Monday, May 26, 2008

Too many possibilities

Maggie and Mary left some really interesting and helpful comments on the post "Slowly Recovering." Go on back and read them if you haven't already.

Finished? Okay.

I have been begun to wonder about all some of this. Is part of the reason that I so wish a social worker was around to talk to about what it means. It seems to me today that it is highly unlikely that the people in the planning meeting will change course because Gary reports that his dad promised to make a home for him.

Roland and I talked about the complexities over lunch. There are just so many different possibilities. It seems to me that no matter what Gary's dad intends or how seriously he intends it, Gary will be moving in with us for at least the summer. The question is what happens next? Does Gary's dad really mean it?

I think he believes he does. This is a man who has over-reacted, gotten angry at judges and stormed out of court rooms, but not someone who has ever lied to Gary. He has insisted that every possible option is unacceptable, but he has not been cruel. He is motivated by a desire to control, but also genuine love for Gary. For at least a year, maybe three, he has driven a couple hundred miles one way every month in order to spend just a few hours with his son.

So I don't think this is calculated lie intended to stop the placement.

What I don't know is how his dad will respond to any of the possibilities from here.

Thought it seems increasingly unlikely to me, what would he do if the placement did not happen and Gary stayed in the group home? Would he realize that his marriage was important to him and decide he should stay there with his other children, not to mention the well-paying, non-mobile job? Or would he carry through? Leave his wife, younger children and job, find a new job and place to live, and then go to court to get his son back?

And what will he do if/when social services places him with us anyway? Will he carry through on these promises on the expectation that when he does he will get Gary? Or will he decide that social services has stolen his son and wouldn't give him back no matter what, so he might as well stay where he is?

Will we be part of a reunification plan or will we provide Gary with a home for as long as he needs it?

If the later, will his father make it emotionally difficult for Gary to attach to us? Will Gary see us not as the great alternative to the group home but as part of what is keeping him from his father?

I really don't know, and I suppose there just isn't any way to find out except to take it all one day at a time.

I've never been good at that though. I'm a worrier.

This is new territory for me, although I know it is square one for most foster parents.

5 comments:

  1. It's so complicated. I hope that his Dad carries through with his promises. But it sounds like Gary fits well with you and it would suck if he went home only to find things didn't work out there.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have to say that I find Gary's father's conduct a little disturbing. I mean he did decide that Gary couldn't come home, and essentially chose his new wife and stepchildren over his own son.

    The fact that Gary's father wasn't cruel is almost immaterial. I have to wonder about his own ability to function as a parent when he would make the kinds of decisions he made. Granted, I realize there is a lot more to the story than what you are able to share on the blog, but I think that if his father had really wanted his son, there were things he could have done to make it happen.

    All I can say is that I recognize how sad and upsetting this must be for all of you. Feel a hug. I wish I had something better to say.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think regardless, its a lose/lose situation for Gary.

    If he goes "home" with his Dad, then he runs the risk of being dumped again. The major reason kids do better in foster care and then crash in the birth home (causing a re-entry to foster care) is largely because the circumstances in the birth home rarely change.

    So Gary is losing what would be a very positive family environment, where he would be loved and accepted, taught a proper marraige model (commitment, endurance, patience, etc as opposed to divorce on a whim) and most importantly, not always face a list of past offenses at every beck and call.

    But at the same time if he stays with Yondalla, he in theory "loses" his chance at reuniting with his bio fam. And I think every foster kid dreams of re-uniting with the bio fam, no matter how horrid the life was there.

    I'm seeing other issues, too. Dad has other kids with step-mom. What happens during his visitation weekends/weeknights? If Gary can't be around the youngers for whatever reason, then will he be dumped in respite for those visits? Not a good way to build a positive family dynamic.

    What about the fact that I'm guessing he has no relationship with the youngers? (No mention of visits with them) How is that supposed to just start? You know step-mom has poisoned the well so to speak.

    I'm with the other poster- I'm guessing its a move to a "real" family as opposed to institution/group home that has the dad freaked out. He's making the typical Birth Parent foster care promises- I'll do it all- without thinking it through.

    I would be very surprised if it plays out as it appears right now. There's just too many little details that would seem impossible.

    But, I've been wrong before.

    If you have input, Yondalla, on the safety plan meeting as part of "going home with Dad", I would ask what the plan was when Dad is visiting the youngers. And I would ask to confirm that step-mom is going to allow the youngers to be around Gary. It would be very tragic for the whole "transition home" thing to happen only to find out 3 weeks later that stepmom has taken Dad to court to end visitation because she doesn't want Gary around, and Dad deciding that not having shared custody of those kids will make his child support double, so screw Gary, send him back and focus on the little ones.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think regardless, its a lose/lose situation for Gary.

    If he goes "home" with his Dad, then he runs the risk of being dumped again. The major reason kids do better in foster care and then crash in the birth home (causing a re-entry to foster care) is largely because the circumstances in the birth home rarely change.

    So Gary is losing what would be a very positive family environment, where he would be loved and accepted, taught a proper marraige model (commitment, endurance, patience, etc as opposed to divorce on a whim) and most importantly, not always face a list of past offenses at every beck and call.

    But at the same time if he stays with Yondalla, he in theory "loses" his chance at reuniting with his bio fam. And I think every foster kid dreams of re-uniting with the bio fam, no matter how horrid the life was there.

    I'm seeing other issues, too. Dad has other kids with step-mom. What happens during his visitation weekends/weeknights? If Gary can't be around the youngers for whatever reason, then will he be dumped in respite for those visits? Not a good way to build a positive family dynamic.

    What about the fact that I'm guessing he has no relationship with the youngers? (No mention of visits with them) How is that supposed to just start? You know step-mom has poisoned the well so to speak.

    I'm with the other poster- I'm guessing its a move to a "real" family as opposed to institution/group home that has the dad freaked out. He's making the typical Birth Parent foster care promises- I'll do it all- without thinking it through.

    I would be very surprised if it plays out as it appears right now. There's just too many little details that would seem impossible.

    But, I've been wrong before.

    If you have input, Yondalla, on the safety plan meeting as part of "going home with Dad", I would ask what the plan was when Dad is visiting the youngers. And I would ask to confirm that step-mom is going to allow the youngers to be around Gary. It would be very tragic for the whole "transition home" thing to happen only to find out 3 weeks later that stepmom has taken Dad to court to end visitation because she doesn't want Gary around, and Dad deciding that not having shared custody of those kids will make his child support double, so screw Gary, send him back and focus on the little ones.

    ReplyDelete
  5. WOW- so much in just a few days- I agree with others- and yourself- the courts aren't just going to give him back just because he says NOW he wants him. I am sure they will get a case plan together for him as well as more visitation- parenting etc.. if he has history of storming out of court and such- who knows what the cw will tack on to his plan. Reunification sounds great but be sure the system will make it difficult- in this situation it sounds like they should. For you? Hugs! This is tough!

    ReplyDelete

Comments will be open for a little while, then I will be shutting them off. The blog will stay, but I do not want either to moderate comments or leave the blog available to spammers.