Deep Breathing

It is difficult to keep myself calm.

It is so difficult to do what I tell other people to do. Don't fall in love with an idea of a kid. Don't fall in love with a photolisting.

I don't even have that. I don't have a photo or even a name. I have an outline of where he has lived and the biggest "red flag." It is how my agency does things: there is a kid we want you to consider and here is the very worst thing we know about him. We won't tell you anything else unless you are prepared to handle that.

I'm excited that Roland agreed to consider him. I really want to continue to be the PFLAG mom. I like the idea of being available for the GLBT kids, but they aren't coming. For whatever reason I am just not getting the calls. I had expected Roland to be firm, but he is willing to follow up on it.

I had a long talk with Brian. I explained to him that Frankie did not move because I was ever afraid he would hurt Brian. I wasn't afraid and I didn't think he needed to be afraid. Frankie had to move because I was afraid he was going to hurt himself and because Frankie needed a higher level of care than we could provide. I wanted Brian to understand that if we take in another kid we are going to be committed to him. Brian cannot expect that if he gets nervous that we will kick people out of the house.

And I promised to be really, really careful about the whole process.

But it is hard not to get excited. They got me at "never been an a foster home before." He has baggage, but among the baggage is not a learned distrust of foster parents. The agency will tell him that this is a permanency program and he won't be DEEPLY mistrustful of that. He isn't stupid of course. He will be cautious. He could have all sorts of trust issues. He could have attachment issues. He has lost caretakers. Still, it has to make a difference, not having a history of bouncing from foster home to foster home every 4-6 months.

But it is really important that I not get exited. Partly because we could find out something that would make us back off and partly because we are not the only family being considered for him. I could get a call or email at any time telling us that they are going to pursue placement with the other family.

The email also suggested that the boy had asked to visit a couple of homes. If they do what they have done in the past they will probably only allow him to consider one at a time, but he may very well feel that he is in the driver's seat, deciding whether to pick us.