Ann's Story Part 30: Pausing to Reflect

Written in 2006:

It has been very interesting for me to be plowing through all these old emails. It is interesting how we, or at least I, edit our memories as time goes on.

I had remembered this as my failed attempt to parent Ann. I remember that there were times that I felt like it was difficult, but that I was managing fairly well. I remembered that Ann regularly expressed "concern" that she might hurt someone. I remembered that I was never certain if I should take those expressions seriously or if I should dismiss them as merely attempts to control me.

Mostly though I remembered that I gradually became more exhausted and more aware of the stress on the boys.

I remembered that Mandy had been unhappy and that that had been part of the equation, but I forgot just how constant her presence was. I had forgotten that she told Ann every time she saw her that she was fighting to get her back. I had forgotten that any attachment Ann may have felt towards us was also a betrayal of her loyalty to Mandy.

I had forgotten how impossible the entire situation was.

Written in 2008:
This time around it is not nearly so emotional for me to read all of this. The first time I re-experienced it all. It was hard. It was also good to remember, as I had forgotten, that so much of the situation was realted to Mandy. It was good for me to remember that much of what was happening was out of my control. In my memory it had become entirely our (my) failure.

Now though it is just what happened. I know it happened. It just is what it is.

It is sad, but it doesn't hurt like it used to.

Part 31