I had to put up a pile of Ann posts all at once, because I have a current update which I thought should come after all the rest.
I just got a Graduation Announcement from Ann.
I'm so proud of her. She is graduating right on schedule, and that is not easy when you have spent high school moving every few months.
I have to go out a buy her a card.
A while back I was concerned about who might be at the Youth Ranch. I have now made contact with everyone that I can think of...including Ann. I got this email from her today:
Don't worry he [my new boyfriend] is the nicest person I've dated in a while. You should tell the boys hi for me and that i miss them. I still have that Afghan that you made for me on my birthday i love it I cant sleep with out it. I miss you guys so much i don't get around to letting you know as often as i should. I know that i screwed up big time when i was in that region but i cant change the past(but i wish that i could) That is the one thing that keeps me from talking to the "Mandy and John" as much as I'd like i know how much i hurt "Mandy" and it kills me.
Well love you all,
"Ann"
Mother's Day 2006:
Ann called!
I last saw her about a year ago. She is mentioned in the early posts in David's Story (in the public blog). She was being placed with a family locally and we took her out to dinner. Since then she has been in at least: two group homes, two pre-adoptive placements, and detention. She has been in her current placment (this is in addition to the ones above) for about 6 weeks. For those not doing the math, this means that she has been averaging no more than 2 months at any one place.
The home she is in now has pre-school kids.
She did not want to talk much about what she had been up to. Mostly she just kept asking how everyone here was. She had called Mandy first, which is good. I will check with Mandy later, she is likely to have got more information out of her than I did.
It is good to have heard from her. Really good. I don't really have news; I just know that she is alive and still bouncing around the system.
Ann used to live at the therapeutic foster home for which I am doing respite this weekend. They took her when she was a scarey five-year-old who hid knives under her bed. They tried to adopt her a couple of times but that would push her RAD symptoms to the point that she was a danger to self and others. So they remained her foster family. When she reached adolescence it got worse. Her outbursts of anger would result in physical fights with other girls in the home. After one such fight she spent 4 months with me. . For a while the agency was considering cycling her back and forth between the two homes. Sometimes that helps RAD kids. It keeps life from becoming too emotinally intense at either home. It also helps each family stay sane.
That did not work out. When she was with us she was on parole and knew that even threatening physical violence would land her in detention. That did not mean that she could not wage psychological warfare though. It took me 4 months to realize that it was not just me -- the boys were being pushed to their limits too.
She left us to go back to the home she had had for 7 years. She left there to go to a Ranch where they take troubled kids for 6 months. They get intensive therapy, work with horses, and go back home. In her case social services decided that living in a therapeutic foster home where other teenage girls will all sorts of problems kept coming and going was not good for her. They moved her across the state. She was in a temporary home, and a pre-adoptive placement, and then back to a temporary home at the last I had heard.
Friday I called the agency to see if they could tell me anything about her. They said no, but by some miracle her state worker happened to be in the building! I got a call back and was told that she had been put in yet another adoptive placement at Thanksgiving and it had lasted about 6 weeks. She was now living in a group home.
They can't give me an address, but yes they would take a letter and a present. I ran out, purchased stationery and put stamps on two envelopes (one addressed to me the other to the woman she called "mom" for over seven years). I also got a blank book with pens and a card. I put it all in a gift bag and dropped it off at the office.
I am trying not to hope too much. The bag will be given to the social worker who will drop it off at the group home. Ann will write to me or she will not.
My heart aches for her.
It is odd loving a child like her. She will never feel entrely safe loving me back. If she lives here then she will use every psychological technique she has perfected for so long to drive me away. She knows, of course, that the fastest way to do that is to psychologically torture the other kids. But still I love her.
I will keep sending letters to the social worker. Even if she never writes back, at least she will know that we care about her.
Please God...please...help her find a home with a parent who understands RAD, where there are no other children for her to hurt, just one or two strong adults who can tell her that no matter what she does she will not be thrown away again.
Roland did also heal and we did start taking Ann to church with us a couple of times a month. She also came to our house for a couple of respites.
It turns out though that I was once again wrong. Living with Mandy and John with no more than 2 other girls was not enough. I don't know how many months later, but she eventually left Mandy for a stay at a youth ranch. Mandy expected to get her back when she "graduated" from the program, but Ann was instead put up for adoption.
For a while I was able to get permission to maintain contact with her, when Mandy was not. Everyone, including Ann, understood that placement with me was not an option. Ironically, because I was not fighting to keep her, I was allowed to have her in my life. Mandy was always grateful that I was in that position. She never once made me feel badly that I could see her when she could not. She always asked me to pass on her love to Ann when I saw her and to tell her how Ann was doing.
After the youth ranch, Ann began the series of "placment hopping" that has continued for the past two years. The state has twice placed her in pre-adoption placements which have failed. In the first case it was obvious to me that it would not work. The family had no experience at all with foster care. It was not clear to me that anyone had explained to them what Ann was really like. I don't know everywhere she has been in the three years since she left me but it includes at least the following (this is in chronological order as I understand it):
Mandy's (6 months?)
Youth Ranch (6 months)
Temporary Foster Home
Pre-Adoptive Placement
Temporary Foster Home
"Trial" Placement with my agency, again
Temporary Foster Home
Pre-Adoptive Placement
Group Home
Temporary Foster Home
Recently she and Mandy have been corresponding by email. Ann turned 16 ealier this month.*
*This post was originally posted June 2006, three years after she left our home.
4/10/03 (about 2 weeks after Ann moved out)
To my friend:
I had lunch yesterday with Ruby and with Ann's new social worker, “Sally.” Sally is a very experienced social worker who has just joined the agency. She has worked with Mandy and John quite a bit and knows the situation. She has never worked directly with Ann, but has known her at least a little for as long as she has been in care. She knows what she is getting herself into. It was very therapeutic for me to talk with her. I was able to give Ann away, so to speak.
The social workers keep asking me how long of a break I need before I will be ready to take on another kid. I keep telling them that we have decided that it is about the right match, not the right time.
It turns out that there is a kid coming into the agency that they would like us to take. He name is Xavier. He is almost 15 and, of course, gay. He is already in the local school system. He visits with his mother who lives in 10 miles away. She is safe, but unable to provide a secure home (I have no details). His family, being Hispanic, is deep in the culture of "machismo." I don't recall if the social worker said that he was "out" with them, but in any case his lack of conformity to expectations is still an issue. (When I warned her that most of our friends would just assume that he was gay, she said that he was used to that.) He should be a available by June. He has always been a cooperative kid and gets along with younger kids. So it could be the right kid. It sounds like the problems that he has had with his other homes has to do with their being uneasy about his sexuality.
I told the family developer that I would prefer to meet him under a no-pressure situation. Having a first visit that is essentially a blind date is just too stressful. There is an event coming up: a Friday evening and Saturday workshop on diversity. We had gone before and had not really thought about going again. But Xavier will be there and it will give us an opportunity to meet him casually.
So I am having the obvious inner debate. Am I ready? Are the kids ready? Given the current stress level at work, can I deal with this now? I think that all the answers are potentially yes, depending upon how well Xavier can fit into the family.
Ruby,
I got a phone call from Ann last night. She sounded really good. She told me about their fun Easter celebration and that Mandy has committed to only have 3 girls (including her!) in the house at a time. It was really nice to talk to her and to hear her so happy. She said that she was busy working on her new room, painting and decorating, so she would not have time to come to church with us for a while (which I said was fine). She said that she thought that her room was probably the biggest, but that it would be childish to measure it just to make certain of that.
I thought you would like to know.
An email to my pastor in response to one from him saying, "I know things have been tense out there. I wanted to check in and see if you are all okay."
3/29/03
Ann has moved back with Mandy and John.
Things were getting steadily more difficult. Though I do think that there are too many girls at Mandy and John’s, Ann does love them and she wanted to go back. Anyway, the more Ann visited Mandy and John, the more defiant she became here. Last week Robin (director of social workers) called to say that they were going to call the state people who are in charge of Ann's case and talk to them about moving her back...sometime in the next few weeks. Monday night Roland took Ann to a meeting at the agency and Ann laid into him, totally unprovoked, in front of the social workers. It was quite a show. Ann was telling them that she was ready to do whatever she had to to force them to move her. Roland was quite hurt. He understands that she was trying to communicate to the social workers how much she wanted to go home, but he has never been anything but kind to her and it was difficult to take. The supervisor and director of the division told Roland that if she pulled something like that at home we were to pick up the phone, dial 911, tell them that we had a sick girl on our hands, and THEN call one of them to tell them whether she had been taken to the hospital or to the detention center.
Tuesday Robin called again and said that the particular state person who needed to approve of all this was out of the office and that she would call again Wednesday morning. I reminded Robin that I was supposed to leave at 2:00pm on Wednesday to get on a plane for a conference and that it would be difficult to do that if I thought they might move her while I was gone. She promised that that would not happen. Ann would go to respite as planned and then most likely move when I got back. I did tell her also that though it would be difficult for me, if they decided that it was best for Ann to move this week while it was her Spring Break then they should do that. I did want what was best for Ann.
Wednesday at 1:30pm Robin called to say that Ann moving back to Mandy and John’s...as of now. I hurried the boys into the car and drove over the suitcases that Ann had packed for her respite weekend. I cried and hugged her goodbye about 10 times. Mandy said that she really appreciated everything that I had done and said that I was still her aunt and that she thought it would be best for Ann if she could visit us often. By this time it was 2:10 and I dashed off to pick up Roland from his appointment and drive to the airport. I explained all this to him on the way. He said that he would manage everything...getting Ann's room packed and all her things moved. Everything.
I made half way to the airport. I did not go to the conference, and I am glad that I did not. The four of us needed some time together. I got Ann's room packed and cleaned...Roland and I moved everything over to Mandy and John’s. We are all still numb. Ann has said that she still wants to go to church with us, but I don't think we will invite her this first weekend. I want to re-build my relationship with her, but things got so awful the last couple of weeks that I think we all need some time.
Ruby,
Well, welcome back. I suppose this is a major surprise for you too. Last week Ann lived here and was only allowed to see Mandy for 2 hours at a time and now she lives with Mandy.
We are reeling from the shock: exhausted, numb, and I guess relieved too. I understand why "Robin" and the director made the decision the way they did. After the show she put on in front of the them the other night... I understand that they concluded that she was willing to do anything in order to be moved and that they didn't want her to do anything worse than call Hubby every fowl name she could think of in front of everyone.
I got a call from Carl at Job Corps. N. was apparently at the office and heard Ann down the hall. She told Carl about it. He reports that she claimed she nearly went into the director's office to "give Ann a piece of her mind." Carl wanted to know if we were okay. I assured him that Roland was able to let all that roll off. Carl was relieved to hear that she moved to Mandy and John's. N. had him quite worried about what sort of danger we might be in. I assured him that it was just teenage melodrama.
I understand, but I guess I wish it could have ended differently. If anyone ever brings up the circle of families model (what ever did happen to that idea?) I am still interested. I don't want to stop being her "auntie."
Anyway, I am writing to tell you that I got all of her things packed and I would like to retract everything I said about Mandy being inconsiderate when she packed Ann's things. I too gave up on being neat an folding clothes. Everything was such a mess. She has been eating in her room, which is not allowed, and the hiding the evidence. Everytime I moved something I found more clothes mixed with CDs, mixed with papers, mixed with garbage. I did manage to have some boxes with just clothes and others with just papers.
We took the boxes to her. Ann seemed very happy and I had a nice talk with Mandy and John. Mandy said that Ann still wanted to go to church with us and that she thought that was good for her. She also thought it was a good idea if Ann could have a regular visitation schedule with us. I told that to Hubby and he just gave me the look. I tend to live in the Land of Emotional Conflict. Hubby however hales from a simpler place where everything is always clear. The emotional weather may be the opposite of what it was an hour ago, but it is always clearly what it is. So today Roland is hurt and angry and tired. Right now he is not interested in talking about visitation with Ann.
He will though after he has had some time. As hurt as he his, and as exhausted as we all are, I know none of us want to loose her from our lives. At least I don't.
Anyway, I am going to curl up into a ball and sleep for a few days.
Next week is spring break at my school. Can we get together for lunch? I would really like to just "process" everything with you.
12/8/02: I get a call asking me to take Ann on a short-term emergency basis.
1/15/03: Ann is told she will be living with us for a while and gets her boxes.
2/14/03: We meet with the counselor to discuss Ann's threats
2/27/03: A meeting is scheduled to discuss the situation. It is decided that Ann will spend every Monday evening and every other weekend with Mandy and John.
3/3/03: Ann spends her first scheduled Monday with them and gets slapped. Mandy lies about what happened.
Week of: 3/17/03
Monday - after Ann's first weekend away, I write an email in the morning saying that we probably can't do this forever. In the evening I write another to a friend expressing a desire to take it back.
Thursday - There is a meeting in which the fight that Ann got into at Mandy's on a previous visit is discussed. It is decided that Ann may only have 2-hour visits.
Friday - Ann is told.
Saturday & Sunday: We have the worst weekend ever.
Week of 3/20/03
Monday: Roland takes Ann to an appointment at the agency office where Ann yells and screams at him in the director's office. I have a conversation with the supervisor of social workers (Ann's worker is on vacation) telling me that they will be moving Ann soon. It will probably be back to Mandy's since there is no where else for her to go. I anticipate that it will take about a week.
Wednesday: I am told to take her back to Mandy, that day.
3/26/03, 10:00 am
Robin,
Roland last night was kidding around about the possibility that you would not find any respite site for Ann at all. I thought there was a little genuine anxiety about it, so I told him that I would not leave if that should happen. I have complete confidence that you will find someone, but would you call me when you do? Thanks again for taking care of things while Ruby is out of town.
Hi. Robin called me this morning as I was scrambling to get ready to leave on the trip. I had the car packed and was just gathering up the last few things. Ann's suitcase for respite was packed. I was going to leave in an hour.
Robin said they had decided that Ann would move back in with Mandy and John ... starting now.
I got Ann, told her she was not going to a respite placement, she was going home. "For how long?" "Permanently."
I cried when I left her, of course.
Then I got to Roland just in time for him to rush me to the airport to get the plane. As we drove I tried to explain to him what happened, but I'm not certain I know. We got halfway to the airport and I realized I just could not get on the plane. I am so exhausted. Roland said he feels like he was emotionally raped. Her room will need to be packed up and I can either help him do it tomorrow or do it when I should be teaching. He said actually that he would do it on his own while I was gone, but somehow I just couldn't go.
I want to curl up and whimper for a day or so. Then I will have a good cry and go to sleep.
Ann is gone. Tomorrow I will pack all of her things and take them to Mandy and John's.
She's just gone.
Monday morning
to the social worker:
So as you know from Mandy's email, Ann went over for dinner with Mandy and John on Sunday. She went about 4:30 and called me at 6:45 to ask if she could stay longer because dinner would not be done for half an hour. I suggested 7:30 and she complained that she would not get have enough time to eat. I said 7:45 and she said that dinner might not be ready until 7:30 and she would only have 15 minutes to eat. I said 8:00 and she complained very loudly that she needed more than 15 minutes to eat. I pointed out that dinner seemed to be taking longer to cook by the second, but that I really could not give her permission to stay past 8:00. She hung up in a huff. Mandy and John’s dropped her off, with food, at 7:40.
She said that Mandy told her not to blame us, but that to blame them (Mandy and John) and the social workers if she needed to blame anyone. I did appreciate that. Ann was a little bit more civil, but when she yelled at me for being silly again I told her to get over it...and realized how very tired of that I am.
I woke up this morning tired and I realized that I have hit that level of exhaustion that Robin warned you about. I quarreled with Roland this morning about how to handle things. Roland and I often confuse each other when we speak. Usually we laugh about it, but this morning I did not have the energy to do the work that is necessary to figure out what he meant (as opposed to what I understood) and to get him to understand what I mean (as opposed to whatever he understood).
Anyway, we agreed a while back that Roland would take her to her appointment at the the agency offices this evening, and I am glad that we did. I am not up to it.
Ruby, let's chat when we can. I realize that I am feeling so tired in part because I was counting on having every other weekend off. If the boys are going to cope with Ann until the end of the school year they need it, and I guess I will need it too. I know that lots of stuff is going on and I don't want to do anything rash. I think though that it would be a good idea to set up a schedule of respite for Ann...if not every other weekend then every third. I understand that there is a limit of respite days and that if we go over Roland and I pay for it. I am prepared for that.
It may be that everything will calm down again, that this weekend was just this weekend.
...So that's what happened on Sunday. Robin called in the evening. She expressed concern that things were getting to be too much for us and the kids. I told her that I knew that this was not going to work permanently, but we were trying to manage until the end of the school year.
This evening Roland took Ann to her appointment at the agency. She threw a fit and verbally abused him. It was apparently quite the show. Robin and the division director told Roland that they feel she needs to be moved. She is escalating horribly and is likely to get worse. Unfortunately, they cannot think of anywhere that is better than our house, so they will probably move her back to Mandy and John’s. This is not final, but it may happen this weekend. It hard to believe.
Not surprisingly Ann was furious at being told she could not spend more than 2 hours at a time with Mandy.
3/23/03 (Saturday)
to social workers
Ruby & "Robin":
This is as much for me as for either of you. I just wanted to record the events of the day, so to speak.
Let's see. I will back up to Friday. Friday evening I asked her how she was because I knew she had had a hard day. She teared up and told me that it was just not okay for someone to first tell you that you could spend several days with someone you loved and then turn around and say that you couldn't. I agreed that it was tough and gave her some comfort. Things seemed okay.
Saturday morning she got up and when Roland mentioned something about the first house we ever lived in, Ann asked what would happen if we moved … would she be able to go with us. Then she wanted to know how long we would be in Maine. It seemed to me that she was thinking about staying with us indefinitely.
But on to the exciting part. This afternoon she was bored and called a couple of girls to see if they could play. No one was available and then she asked if she could call her mom. I said yes and when her mom answered she asked if she could come over to visit (first time I had heard about that one). Anyway she pretty quickly started crying and then hung up and swore. She stomped off to her room and cried loud and long. After a couple of minutes I went to her door and asked if I could come in. "Not now." "Okay, if you want to talk, let me know." She came out and wanted to call Ruby. I had forgot she was out of town and said yes. Then Ann asked if she could call her teacher. Again I said yes. I was not certain that was a good idea, but fortunately the teacher was not home. She threw herself on the sofa and started complaining loudly (I asked the boys to please go downstairs for a while. Brian did not want to go, but Andrew persuaded him that it was a good idea). Ann said that it was not right that she was not even allowed to visit her mom. She had been told that she could not go for respite but no one said that she could not spend the night or even visit! Then she got furious because we had apparently been told that and it was not right that we knew more about her life than she did. Somewhere along here she said that her mom told her that as far as she (Mandy) was concerned, Ann could come back to stay, but that the agency would not allow it.
That was when we decided to call Robin. Robin told me that, contrary to Mandy's understanding, there was no limit to how often Ann could visit. If it was okay with us and Mandy and John’s she could go over again. Through this Ann was yelling at me that SHE wanted to talk to Robin, that she did not want for ME to be talking to her. When I was done I gave Ann the phone and she took it into her room. After Ann got off the phone she walked around the house, went to her room for a while and then called her mom. Mandy apparently said that she might be able to visit later, but that this was not a good time. Ann laid on the sofa for a while and then said she needed a hug. I gave her one and she seemed to be much better. Sad, but the storm had passed.
Since then she has been quite calm, even cheerful.
I have a hard time figuring out what Ann's real feelings are, and what is a cover. I think that is because Ann is not certain what her real feelings are. A few minutes ago I asked her how she was feeling. She said that she still felt bad. I told her that it was okay to be sad, and that she could be as sad as she felt for as long as she felt it...just don't turn sad into mean. She shrugged. I don't think she understands sad. She gets angry, but she does not know what it means to just be sad.
Robin called and asked if we were all okay. I said we were.
Anyway, everything is quiet again here. Roland and I agreed a couple of weeks ago that if Ann ever got scary that one of us would take the boys somewhere and the other would stay with Ann. Today was the first time that we considered enacting that plan. We did not have to though. Right now all three kids are downstairs playing a board game. I have the baby monitor on so that I can eavesdrop. Life with Ann can be surreal. One moment I think she is going to blow it, the next she is Miss Charming.
You may recall, a few posts back, I predicted that the sh*t was about hit the fal...it did
3/20/03 from Mandy
The agency just called Ann is no longer able to come over and spend the weekend with us because of the argument that she had with B. about me last time she was here. Please let Ann know that this has nothing to do with how much we love her and want her home. This is the agency's call.
Mandy
I promise.Ruby came to the house on Friday to tell Ann what had happened. For the time being, she would only be allowed 2 hour visits with Mandy and John.
We should set up some visits though. Ruby said two hour spots and suggested both Monday and Tuesday. What time would be good for you? Think about what you want to do for after break. It is obviously easiest for me if she takes the bus to your house once or twice a week and then I pick her up about 6:00. But I don't know if she will see John that way. Let me know what works for you.
Next week I'm going to a conference. I understand they figured out a respite option closer to here, so she should be able to see you next week too.
3/20/03 (Wednesday)
to the social worker:
Ruby,
“Polly” ended up driving Ann home alone yesterday. She said that she asked Ann how things were going and Ann said pretty well. That she missed her mom but hated living with the Challenge girls. Living with us and visiting her mom seemed like a pretty good idea.
Ann's appointment with PO went well. Ann always seems so young when we are there. She turned in her community service records, but she asked if she could have a copy. The PO asked why and when Ann could not articulate it I said that Ann liked to look at them, it made her feel proud of all she had accomplished. So she made her copies. The PO says we should let her know when we hear about the academic probation. If Ann is off that she will submit the paper work to the judge. Otherwise Ann will have to stay on, probably until the June 17th date. Ann said that she wanted to be off by her birthday so she could party. The PO asked her what sort of party and Ann explained that she wanted to take a friend to Boondocks and stay, without an adult, until 9:00 at night. The PO told her that if she stayed out of trouble she would probably give her permission to do that. Ann was pretty happy, and proud of all she has accomplished. She has grown so much.
On the way home I talked to her about Andrew. I told him that he was a sensitive personality and things that annoyed other people really made him miserable. She said she would try to express herself gently with him.
Now, I know you are going to tell me no to exhaust myself, and I promise I won't. However, as long as Ann is in the house I am going to try to help Andrew and Ann to develop a respectful relationship. I will also pray that Mandy decides, or is forced to decide, to have only a couple of kids.
I just wanted to let you know that it was a good day.
3/19/03 (Tuesday)
to my friend
Things with Andrew and Ann are getting worse...or maybe they are just coming out in the open, which gives them an opportunity to work on it.
In any case Ruby is aiming for having an alternate placement ready for Ann after the school year ends. I have got Andrew committed to coping, with my help, for that long. Today there is a meeting at the agency to talk about Ann's placement and whatever the fallout will be over the fight between B & Ann last Monday. Ruby will call me around lunch time.
I don't know what this means for the future for us and fostering. Or I guess I do. We will ultimately do this again, but we will be more careful. “Hubby” pointed out last night that if we had just believed what had been reported in the file, we would have made different decisions. There was nothing that we learned about her that was not already documented. In fact, her behavior with us was much better than it was at home. Given what she did there, nothing she did here should have surprised us.
I think it is important (for Ann's sake) to remember that Brian does not have any problems with her at all. Her bursts of temper, sighing, groaning and rolling of eyes just roll off his back. I don't think that Ann's behavior is significantly outside the curve for nearly-13-year-old girls. But Ann and Andrew are both pubescent. The fight they had last night (with me and Roland trying to help them work it out) was interesting. It was all extreme: He ALWAYS, She NEVER...
I asked Andrew how he felt about foster care and doing it again. He and Roland are saying the same thing: if there is an older teenage gay kid who is nice to other kids then we should do it. The whole family has a lot of sympathy with the plight of gay youth in our red state. Basically they want another Carl.
But no rushing...we need to take a break.
I wish that we were not doing this to Ann. I don't want her to have to switch families again. But I keep hoping that the next family will be the right one. Roland and I would have been the right one, if we did not have other kids.
When I go away next week she will be going to respite in a town 70 miles away...and the location of the Air Force Base. Next week may be a very interesting time to be in a military town.
I just got an email from Ruby. She told me that at the meeting they decided that visitation with Mandy and Tom should be limited, but not yet. That is good from my perspective. I did not want to deal with the mood that that would put Ann in.
But things are complicated and messy. Ruby is again wanting not to tell me too much. My read of her silences though is that it is serious.
I still expect to travel next week, war and all. It is an issue for me though. If domestic terrorism becomes a real threat (real to me or my kids) I may stay home. It is a mom thing. It really is not that I would be afraid that I would be a victim of terrorism; it is that if things are happening that are seriously frightening my children then I will need to be where they are.
3/18/03
to my friend
Do you remember a while back when I told you about Ann's Monday evening? Ann said that B pushed her Mom, Ann pushed B, and then B slapped Ann; but Mandy said that Ann stayed out of it all?
The incident came up in an agency staff meeting. B's social worker was there too and B's story matches Ann's.
Bottom line: Ann was slapped by one of the other foster girls and Mandy tried to cover it up.
The sh*t is about the hit the fan.
The emails leave out stories.
Difficult stories like when I tried to buy her clothes. I had agreed to buy her new jeans because all of hers were too small. She would only try on jeans of the same size, which I refused to buy. She already had 10 pair of jeans in that size, why would she need more? She started yelling at me in the store and I told her I was done shopping for the day and would wait for her in the car. She did not believe me at first, but after I left the dressing room she eventually caught up. She yelled in the store for me to slow down and wait for her. In the car she complained, "Gawd! I can't believe you did that. All I said was ... and then you just walked out and left! This is so stupid!" Pause. "Aren't you going to say anything?"
"I don't have anything to say. I think you summed up what happened accurately and I agree that it is stupid."
"I HATE it when you do that."
"I know."
Similarly there was the time that I reminded her to put on her seat belt and for no apparent reason crossed her arms and did not buckle up. I pulled off to the side of the road, turned off the engine, and waited. "Are you really just going to sit here? I can't believe it. We are just going to sit here on the side of the street because I won't wear my seatbelt?" I said nothing. "Gawd. This is so stupid!"
"I completely agree."
"I HATE it when you do that."
"I know."
But there were other days. Days when she worked on homework projects with Hubby and was pleased to be learning.
There were countless evenings when she helped cook dinner and told me about her day and laughed.
There were who knows how many evenings when she could not sleep and I would lie on her bed, on top of the covers, and she curled next to me like a toddler and fell asleep.
Most of the time she was just a 12-year-old girl who was stuggling to find a way to survive in the world. She was endearing, fragile, lovable, and afraid. She was also surrounded by a group of adults all of whom really did all want what was best for her. Those adults just did not agree on what that was.
Part 38
3/17/02
to my friend
So I have been sad all day. Of course now I am thinking about whether I will be able to work on Ann and Andrew's relationship.
Of course it was right to alert Ruby. There needs to be a back-up plan. It is even possible that they will work out something that will be even better for Ann.
But maybe I will be able to help them to find better ways to deal with each other.
Sigh.
What should happen of course is that Mandy should get out of Challenge work. I just don't seem to be able to let that one go. It seems highly unlikely that she will ever do that, but it would be nice.
Ann really needs a dedicated parent and no other kids...at least none that are younger, or too close in age. But I understand why Ann bothers Andrew so much. When Ann gets angry she is so intimidating. She is loud and aggressive...down right scary.
But I just go round in circles...maybe Andrew and Ann will move to a better relationship...maybe they won't...maybe they will, now that I understand better what is going on maybe I can help Ann to get along with Andrew.
3/17/03
to the social worker
We had a good weekend with just the four of us. We spent time with the boys just relaxing. Today after church we went to the "fish park" and to the Discovery Center. When we came home we asked the boys to have a family conference. We told them that we wanted to know how they felt about Ann living here. Brian thinks things are fine and wants to know if he can go play his game. Andrew asked Brian how he feels when Ann bosses or insults him and Brian says that he wishes she would not call him a bratty little kid, but that's all. Can he go play his game now?
We let him go but Andrew wanted to talk. Things have been hard for Andrew. He said that sometimes, well lots of times, he hates school. Class is fine, but hallways are awful. He hates the way people talk to each other, the way they treat each other. He used to feel like home was the refuge, but now home feels like school. He says that Ann wants to be the older kid. He does not feel like he needs to boss Ann around, but she just won't stop trying to to boss him, "And I am NOT going to just take it." He looked like he was going to cry as he said that.
We talked for quite a while. Once Andrew got going the flood gates just opened up. He has been really stressed. I think that it is hard partly because Ann and Andrew are so close in age. Ann attempts constant power struggles with me and “Hubby”, but we side-step them and maintain our authority. Brian has been bossed around by older siblings for as long as he can remember. He lets it roll off his back and then does whatever he wants. Andrew though is used to being the older kid. He does not have the resources to fight with her, but he also cannot tolerate being bullied. (Carl accepted certain limits. We told him that he was not to boss Andrew around and he didn't. As long as we did not ask him to babysit things were fine.) There were other things. He does not like the way she treats Brian, the way that she tries to monopolize me, and that she is disrespectful of his belongings.
I asked Andrew to tell me really and truly what he wanted. He said that he can live with Ann while things are being worked out, and he knows that could take something like six months, but he cannot face the idea of her living with us forever. It was difficult for Andrew to say that, but I know he felt relieved to say it.
So what does this mean? Well, I obviously won't force Andrew to live with someone that he finds so stressful, so if we were making a permenancy decision right now I would have to tell you to look elsewhere. We have told Andrew that we will ask you to come up with a back-up plan, and that will take the stress off him. We will continue to work with the two of them and it is possible that in 2 or 4 or 6 months things will be different. It makes me sad to write about this, because I do love Ann, but we clearly need to find a solution that will work for all the kids. If the circle of family model gets proposed again I think it would be worth a try.
So let's see how things go.
So I emailed Ruby this morning and told her that things should be okay for the interim, but that she needed to come up with a backup plan. We would continue to try to work on Andrew and Ann's relationship and maybe in a few months things would be different.
At the moment I don't think so though. Maybe. If it were just me and Roland I am certain we could turn Ann around, but it would take a couple of years.
Did you know that one of her "complaints" to Ruby about us is that we are too nice? She keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop, trying to figure out what we are up to.
Anyway, I will start putting some mega-effort into her thinking about how she relates to the boys...meanwhile Ruby will put some effort into a back-up plan.
I have been feeling so stressed about this. Now I am sad, but it is good not to be debating anymore.
3/14/02
to the social worker
Reflections, 2008:Well we got Ann off to school this morning. She was particularly grumpy this morning.
I wanted to let you know that Ann is very condemning of a certain habit of ours, one that she sees as "mocking people." This consists in making smart-ass comments about characters on television. So for instance, we were watching Johnny Dangerously last night...which is a very silly movie. Johnny tells the boy in the pet store "I was about to face my greatest challenge yet" and I said, "trying to remove that much eye make-up with stinging your eyes?" Ann has gone from just rolling her eyes and telling us that she finds that annoying to telling us in a loud and intimidating voice that we are really beginning to piss her off.
Roland and I (and Andrew) are not going to stop this behavior. I grew up in a house where the crafting of smart-ass comments was a highly prized skill. Roland and I are educators and parents, and we both bite our tongues all day long. There is no way we are going to start to be polite to ridiculous television characters. I don't know how to explain to Ann that this is something she will have to adjust to.At the moment I feel very frustrated with her and I guess I am writing to you so that I will not say these things to her, but I feel like telling her that her expectations that (1) everyone will behave in exactly the way she wants them to all the time; (2) that she can express her disapproval or annoyance and everyone all the time and it should be allowed since she is just "expressing her opinion"; and yet (3) no one is allowed to treat her with anything other than total deference, has just got to stop.
I keep thinking about this line from my favorite show, Buffy, "It is not about what's right. It's about power." I have had this conversation with Roland. When Ann tells the boys not to criticize her, and yet criticizes them, she is not trying to get them to follow a moral rule that she is breaking...she is trying to establish the pecking order. We are dealing with her with the language of morality and she is dealing with us in a totally different way. And I don't think she realizes that. She does not see that she is operating in the land of power. Hence her thinking about the thing with B. Monday night. It was wrong for B. to push Mandy, but it was not wrong for Ann to push B. in retaliation. It is not about whether pushing is right, it is about who has the right to push whom around.
This was a difficult morning where Ann seemed to be trying to get my goat, find a way to piss me off so that I would fight with her. Last night she was yelling at Roland because he did not point out to her that there was a make-up exam stapled to the back of the grade check sheet that he gave her "And now everyone is angry at me. That was very important and it should have been turned in, but how was I supposed to do it when I did not even know it was there!" Sigh.
Anyway, I think I am just tired and anxious. I don't know how the visiting Mandy will go. We were in a quiet place with Ann for a while and I am afraid that the added stress is going to bring it back to where it was. I'm exhausted. I use all my powers of diplomacy with Ann. I am "on" all day long. It will be good to have the weekend off.
So thanks for listening to me rant and vent....
