Boring Goodness

I feel that it is important that I blog today. So much of doing care is difficult and emotionally exhausting. It is rewarding, of course. Those of us who blog often do so to deal with the difficulties. I have "talked through" any number of challenges with my children here. Often just in the writing I come up with solutions just by writing. Of course those of us who blog generally hope that our blogs are useful to people considering or starting care.

So we write the difficult and the painful. You, the reader, hear about rages, cutting of school, drug addictions, manipulative behavior, and the heartache when a child leaves.

And yet, it isn't always like that. Sometimes it is just quiet, ordinary goodness.

You want to know what our big event was yesterday? We took the boys shopping for clothes for the in-laws anniversary party. Nothing significant happened. They boys found clothes they liked in my budget. Gary got what I am pretty sure is his first pair of dress pants. He was quite pleased at how he looked in them. Andrew picked out some button-up shirts. He got one fitted dark blue shirt in which he looked really good. I mean, just one hair cut away from dashing.

And today? Well today Gary just got back from an almost-date. The mother of the girl he has been text-messaging constantly, who goes to the charter school he is hoping to get into, took the two of them to play miniature golf. Gary is pretty sure he passed the mother-test.

And I find I can't really make a whole story out of it for you, and yet I feel I should blog it, because this too is what parenting a child from foster care is like. Sometimes, a lot of times, it is just ordinary days, with a pretty ordinary kid, doing ordinary things.

------------------------------------

***And, Maggie, I didn't have that "waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling" until I wrote this post. Please everyone KNOCK ON WOOD.***

Andrew Bribes Me

Andrew told me the other day that he had been thinking about what he should do since he wasn't going to be able to find a job. We are leaving for Maine in a week and then he will only have a little while before he has to go. It just doesn't look like he will be able to find a job.

SO...he wants me to know that he plans on going down to the animal shelter to see if he can volunteer so that he has something productive to do. He also wants to contribute to the household some way.

Maybe I would like him to take over cooking dinner?

I agreed, of course.

Update on Gary's Father

Gary told me that his father and stepmother are definitely getting back together. It means that he is not going to get to live with his dad, but he saw it coming. In the course of the conversation he mentioned both that his stepmother does and always has lived in the town next to ours and that his father is still committed to trying to find a job in this area so he can live with them full-time.

I had thought that that the stepmother and siblings lived in another state, but I realize that no one actually said that. It creates a different picture for me, of the past and of the possibilities for the future. I don't know if his father will find a new job. I understand he has quite an incentive. Before I thought it was something he was going to do if his marriage failed. Now I suspect it is something he needs to in order to save his marriage (although I recognize that as a guess).

It does mean that his father is in the area much more than I thought, and that his presence here is not just to see Gary.

I think Gary is happy here. He is sad not to live with his father, but he does not dislike us. He knows he is safe. He talks with us. I'm glad the new state social worker is more supportive of him having visits with his father in ways his father is comfortable with. I know that as long as his father and stepmother are living together, Gary will not be allowed to go home.

I find myself relieved for myself. I do really like this kid and I want him to stick around. I am sad for him, but also relieved that he wasn't kept dangling too long.

We will see what will happen. The agency worker has had one conversation with Gary's father about setting up a dinner with everyone. He wants to meet with her separately first, and she has agreed to that. Gary is nervous that he will be antagnostic and make a relationship which should be helpful to him more difficult.

I suppose we will see.

Quilts

Gary's quilt is completely done. I showed you a photo of the top a while back. I finally got it tied and yesterday I finished putting on the binding. It is on his bed and he seems quite happy with it. Andrew's top is finished and prepared to go to the professional machine quilter. When it comes back I will have to put the binding on it. I am so ready to be done with these quilts. Never again do I want to do two in one summer. The boys seem to be happy with them though.

Just when he thought he was safe...

Gary and I had another talk about PTSD triggers today. He generally has an "I'm okay" attitude about everything. He has had enough therapy to last a life time. He's all better now. He knows we want him to make an appointment with his therapist, but I haven't been pushing.

Something happened yesterday, he didn't tell me what, and that is okay. He recognized the experience for what it was. Something happened while he was with his girlfriend and it brought back a bunch of emotions. The thing is, he says, he has dealt with what happened to him. It doesn't upset him to talk about it or anything. So he felt angry that he was having these emotions that he wasn't supposed to have. It was confusing for him to be feeling both the triggered emotion and anger about having to feel the emotion.

Personally I was thrilled that a fifteen-year-old can recognize the experience for what it is. Most boys his age would not, they would look for an explanation for their emotions in the current environment.

He didn't want to talk about the details. I told him that was okay, that many kids in care had had their privacy violated when they were little by people who were supposed to take care of them and then again by a system that was trying to protect them. I told him that I thought a lot of kids in care have trouble finding the right place in between total secrecy and total sharing, and that he didn't want to share what happened yesterday or what happened in his past that was okay.

He still wanted to talk about how wrong it was for him to be having these experiences after he has worked so hard for so long to deal with everything. I managed not to smile at that. I know that he has had four years of pretty intensive and directed therapy, but the kid is just fifteen.

So I talked to him about my triggers and dealing with the experiences. I told him that I have an extreme startle reflex which I have accepted isn't going to go away. I HATE that I do that. I embarrassed that I nearly jump out of my skin when I hear a sharp noise, but it isn't going away. I told him that some of what I did in my therapy, which I still needed in my forties, was deal with what happened so that I wouldn't get triggered, but a lot of it was learning how to deal with the experience when it happened.

He said, "I just don't get why it happened yesterday."

"You were safe."

"What? That doesn't make any sense."

"You know that I get out of taking CPR classes, right?" He did. I've already told him about the whole drowning thing. "I know that if I actually needed to do CPR, I wouldn't fall apart. It would be a real emergency and I would shove all that emotion down and deal. I fall apart in class because there isn't an emergency and so there isn't anything to stop the emotions." He got that.

"I don't know about you, but for me part of surviving the abuse was not reacting or feeling very much. Sometimes even 'going away' in my mind." He nodded. "So we didn't feel it then, and when we are reminded and safe we feel it now."

"Oh great" he said, rolling his eyes. "I'm going to call my therapist and make an appointment."

He is an amazing young man.

Still "honeymooning"?

A foster parent trainer once told me, "There is no such thing as a 'honeymoon.' It is 'observation and assessment.'"

The training was on RAD, but I think it applies generally. A honeymoon is a vacation at the beginning of a marriage. In theory at least, and perhaps in practice, both are deeply in love. Everything each does is motivated by care and love for the other. And that is not what the first days, weeks, or months of a placement is like.

The beginning of a placement is not like that. As parents we often feel a deep connection and love for our children from the very beginning. We may start to feel it the first time we saw a photograph or read a short description. I think those feelings, which I also experience, are not the same thing as love based upon actually knowing a child, but that is a different topic. The point is, we as parents, sometimes feel like we are on a honeymoon at the beginning of a placement because we are full of warm fuzzy feelings and everything seems to be going so well. The children or youth however are NOT on a honeymoon. They are not floating on a cloud of warm fuzzy feelings. They are carefully walking through a mine field, waiting for the deluded, infatuated adult to get real so they can find out what life here is going to be like.

So the other day when someone asked me if we were still on "honeymoon," I stopped to think about how I was behaving. Gary has lived here exactly six weeks. I have had some days that were not as good as others. I have been a tiny bit grumpy, but not much. When Roland and I have had a disagreement of any kind we have gone back to the bedroom to talk about it. When I
"correct" Gary I still treat him like a guest. For instance today I said, "Gary, it's okay to take the portable phone to your room when you want to talk to someone, but I really need for you to put it back on its cradle when you are finished." To which he replied, "Oh, okay. I was just about to bring it back."

In six months I may very well say something like, "Gary! Where is that phone?! If you don't stop leaving it in your room you will not be allowed to use it at all! I mean it. Put it away NOW."

So, are we "honeymooning"? Well, I'm still on my extra-good behavior, and I imagine he'll still waiting to see what we are really like.

It's a process.

Three New Blogs

Here are three new blogs to consider adding to your every growing list of foster-care blogs.

Two newish blogs by social workers:

The Mellenial Social Worker

Blue Jean Social Work

One blog by a social worker/foster mother, Postcards from Insanity. This one is doing what I did with Ann's Story. She is going back through old journals and notes and reconstructing a story from years past. I strongly recommend that you start reading this one at the beginning. The blog comes with a warning,
"If you are here looking for a touchy feely, the world is sunshine and roses blog about how wonderful foster care is....STOP, turn around and back away slowly. Don't make any sudden moves, you don't want to startle the children. My life is like a car wreck- you don't want to look but you just can't help yourself! I am blunt, cynical and sarcastic- all necessary character traits for the successful navigation through the insane world of foster parenting. I call it like I see it with no regard for who gets their granny panties in a bunch. You have been warned ;)"

These blogs will be added to the feed box.

Overheard Conversation

This morning I asked Gary and Brian to unload the dishwasher, telling them that I would reload it. A bit later Brian came to sit in the living room, and I could hear Gary still in there.

"Why are you here when Gary is still working?"

"He's putting dishes IN the dishwasher, Mom. I told him that you said you would reload, but he is just doing it anyway."

I gave Brian a look.

Tonight was Gary's turn to cook dinner. After I asked Roland if he would help Brian in the kitchen. He said yes and as I walked out I heard Gary said, "I'll help. I don't mind."

To which Brian replied, "No! You have got to stop doing this. Don't you see you are making me look bad? The more you do the more she will expect me to do. Just stop!" Brian said it with a sense of humor, but also real aggravation in his voice.

Gary laughed and told me after that he wondered how long it would take Brian to complain.

I'm beginning to wonder how much Gary might be enjoying goading Brian this way.

I don't think I mind.

Andrew's Back, for now

Andrew just came back from orientation. It turned out that there were two full days of activities. I got nervous that they were going to have "enforced fun" and that Andrew would come home thinking, "Oh no, what have I done?"

But apparently they didn't. He got his schedule, and an ID. He heard about rules. He also got to go to a class lecture. There were a bunch of choices, and he picked something from my field so then he got to ask me about it later.

He's happy about the school and the town. It was good for him to have to do the whole travel alone thing.

I was sighing to Roland the other day about how Andrew was going away and leaving me. Roland was sympathetic and said, "The last one who is really like you is going to go away." And he is right. Andrew is going to go away and leave me with a three males who all laugh at the same stupid jokes. I will be trying to grade papers and they will be hooting with laughter over idiotic, slapstick movie.

I am going to miss him so much.

Charter School Plans [update}

[Update at end.]

Gary is busy filling out the form to get on the waiting list for the Charter School he wants to go to.

If Brian wasn't already going to a Charter school I would just be telling him no. Brian is going to a charter school because going to the big school was giving him major anxiety issues. Gary wants to go because he has friends there, especially one girl whom he is "wooing." Right now, now obstacle is too high, if you know what I mean.

The only plan we have for getting him to the school is for Roland to drop him off at one of the school's bus stops. It means an extra 10 minutes in the morning for Roland, but that is okay. Coming home will be more complicated. There is a public bus stop 3 miles from the charter school and a bus will come by there 10 minutes and 70 minutes after school gets out. Currently Gary's plan is to go home with a friend, preferably the girl he has his eye on with whom he currently spends hours on the phone, and then catch the bus.

I would rather he go to the local high school in part because I would like him to make local friends. On the other hand, I certainly see a value in him going to school with a group of people he has known for years. Kids in care have so many relationships severed. If he can make it work with nothing more than 10 minutes from Hubby, then we will support it.

Of course it effectively means no football. All the time in transportation may get in the way of other activities too.

He called the school this morning. The waiting list is huge. If I have the numbers right, and I might not, the class is capped at about 30. That class is enrolled, but some students will fail to show. The waiting list has more than 70 people on it, although a significant number of those will have changed their minds when they are called and offered a spot. The woman at the office was still encouraging though. She mentioned that the list is prioritized by credits earned. Since he has not failed any classes he won't be at the very end.

I am quietly hoping that he doesn't make it. I think it would be good for him to make friends here. I would like for him to be in football. And I don't want to have to drive 20+miles whenever I need to go to a parent-teacher conference or pick him up when he is sick.

Having one kids in school out-of-district is hard enough.

If it were Andrew I would tell him that if he wanted to go to the same Charter school, we would try to get him in, but otherwise he needed to go to the big school. That choice would make more sense for and to Andrew since Andrew's extra-curricular activities are music oriented and he likes drama and art. For Gary it is absurd. Dance for PE? You've got to be kidding.

We shall see. Right now I think the chances are slim -- and I am secretly happy about that.

Update: Gary called again today. Worst case scenario is confirmed. The sophomore class is fully enrolled, and the waiting list is twice the size of the class limit. Worst news yet, out-of-district students can only get in if there is room after all the students in district have a chance. He is, and will continue to be, at the end of the waiting list.

He has accepted that he almost certainly won't get it. He isn't happy about it, but you can tell this is a kid who has learned to roll with disappointment. Maybe he will meet a girl at Our Town High.

Updates on my life

When I started this blog it was supposed to be about foster care alone. I wanted a focused blog. I've mostly managed to do that, but something happened I didn't expect. I developed a relationship with many of my readers who are also bloggers. sometimes writing a post feels like writing an informal essay on an issue in foster care (less often recently) or keeping a journal about my experience in foster care, but sometimes it is feels like I'm writing a letter to friends. Those were the sorts of posts I was planning on keeping out of the blog, but they sometimes sneak in.

This is one of those posts.

Andrew:
I need to come up with pseudonyms for the college Andrew is going to and the city in which it is located. I think I am going to go with "Liberal U" and "Seaside City." Probably other people would not think those are the defining features, but they are for Andrew. They were what he wanted when he was looking for a college. Basically he wanted to get as far away (politically) from the Reddest Red State as he could.

Anyway, today is flying to Seaside City all by himself for one of many orientations at Liberal U. I've been feeling so nostalgic about him. I have body memories of holding his when he was small. I can FEEL him all curled up in my lap. I want to give him one of those cuddles, but it is impossible. I really don't want to live with a baby or a toddler anymore, but I miss holding Andrew when he was small.

He called from the airport at Seaside City. He was having trouble finding the shuttle, but he was perfectly calm. Just wanted to know if I remembered where they did pick up. Initially all we knew was that the orientation was supposed to be two days, so his ticket for coming home is tomorrow evening. It turns out that it really ends after they spend the night in the dorms. So he has all day tomorrow to spend in Seaside City doing whatever he wants to do. He says he thinks he will be able to figure out something to do.

Dog News:
Taking the Shih Tzu ("Puppy") on vacation has seemed to change the relationship between him and the Cattle Dog ("CD"). Puppy came here at three months. CD is an anxious-alpha. When large male dogs have come over she seems very relieved to turn over leadership duties to him. She doesn't however want to let any other sort of dog think they can push her around. So CD and Puppy played, and it got more tiresome. Sometimes it really looked like the annoying little brother antagonizing his big sister. "Look! I have you favorite toy! Chase me!" CD fell for it every time. She was anxious and irritable.

And CD's need to always been on top was frustrating. The Puppy tends to eat slowly and wouldn't eat at all unless we were in the room and telling CD she couldn't have his food. Even then it took a while. I had got to the point where I knew I had to do something about that, but I didn't know what. It was hard to cuddle Puppy. He is small and cute and likes curling up next to you. CD is big and doesn't like being cuddled, but doesn't like Puppy getting something she isn't getting. So she would try to jump up next to you, her face in your face, anxiously demanding attention she wouldn't enjoy. Sometimes she would try to herd him away from us.

Anyway, having the puppy alone for a week was nice. He seemed to enjoy not being pushed around. He got used to be the only dog. He has come back more mature. He isn't antagonizing her, and he isn't taking any of her crap either. He was sitting next to me on my chair yesterday and she came up. He gave a quiet little growl and she turned and went to her bed. He will eat his food when I give it to him without worrying about where she is. I've also noticed that every time she pees, he pees on top of it. So the balance has shifted and the house is more peaceful as a result. I like this better.

Cottage & Money:
There is an agreement on the selling of the cottages in Maine. Waiting for them to sell was painful; having them sold is painful. Knowing that we are going to get a share of the proceeds turns out to be more difficult than I expected. Most of it will go into a retirement fund, that we are agreed upon. We also agree to pay off our debt except the mortgage. This however led to a discussion about our debt, confessions about debt I didn't know about, and then a really touching Hallmark moment in which I did not kill him.

We're going to be okay. We have a plan. We have had a lot of serious conversations about money and our very different feelings about it. We are using the cottage money to pay off some, but not all of the debt. Most of the money will still go into retirement.

Quilts:
I have almost finished Andrew's quilt top. I am paying someone to do the actual quilting (with, by the way, my "allowance"). Yesterday I made a mistake in the piecing of the blocks. I tried to convince Andrew that it created more visual interest, but he really thought it made it more interesting than he wanted. Since this is his quilt design I tore out the seams and re-did it. I might be able to get the top done today. I'll post a photo when it is pieced. Once I get it done I can finish tying Gary's. I plan on never trying to do two quilts in one summer again. I am so behind on the work I should be doing for school.