Commenting on Blogs

I've been thinking about how I comment on blogs, about what sort of comments are helpful. I've tried thinking about the comments that I get that are helpful to me. (First, let me say that I have like 100 blogs in my Google Reader. I read all the posts. I click through and comment maybe four to six times a day. That means I don't comment nearly as much as I probably should.)

I think we all appreciate comments telling us that a post we wrote was good in some way. I know I like hearing that a post made someone laugh, or think about something in a different way, or just that they have found something I wrote helpful in some way. I assume I am not all that different from other people.

Comments of encouragement are great too. I've been exceptionally lucky in the past few months in that my children aren't putting me through the emotional wringer. Partly that is because they are making good decisions and partly it is because I am not letting myself get too worried about their less-than-good decisions. Still, when I have gone through tough times just hearing that someone is pulling for me, or has confidence that I am going to get through this, or something can be helpful.

BTDT (been there done that) comments are also often great. Sometimes just knowing that someone has lived through the same experience and come out the other side gives me hope. I leave those sometimes. I have absolutely nothing "helpful" to say to someone who is struggling, with a situation, but I remember being there. I got a response the other day to someone who said that my description of a similar situation made her laugh out loud. I don't think it was particularly funny, or wouldn't have been to anyone who hadn't lived through it. She was though, and my description made her laugh. I hope it helped her keep going, even if it didn't give her any idea of how precisely to do that.

I also appreciate, and sometimes leave, comments that I classify as "ideas, not advice." I TRY not to give people advice, particularly that advice that given with the tone that says, "this is what you SHOULD do." We only ever reveal part of ourselves on blogs. It is the nature of the beast. We certainly never give a complete picture in any one post, that would be impossible. I am a firm believer that the "right" approach is the one that works for this caretaker and this kid. Sometimes though what we are doing isn't working and getting a bunch of ideas can be very helpful. If someone tells me that I should absolutely do X, and if I don't do X I am a bad parent, i feel annoyed (or worse). I never feel annoyed when someone says that x worked for them and maybe it will work for me. Even when I think "nope, tried that, didn't work" I don't feel judged. So I try to leave those sorts of comments sometimes. I leave them more often with people who know me, or at least internet-me, fairly well.

Sometimes I have got, and sometimes I have given, comments that say, "I really think you are on the wrong track here." That is different from just offering up a suggestion. It is more direct. None of us LIKE those comments, but when they come from someone whom we really trust they are important. I try to take them seriously, though my insta-reaction is almost always, "well, she doesn't understand..." My second reaction is sometimes different. I don't think I leave those comments very often.

And there is one more sort of comment I appreciate, even need, sometimes. It is the "no, you are not a bad person" or "I understand this is what you need to do" comment. I needed those when I was writing about not being the parent Frankie needed. The only comment I ever got from Cindy was on a post like that. (The post title was "I'm not Cindy" which might have helped attract her attention.) During that time I got a lot of comments that helped me to forgive myself. I did get some comments expressing negative thoughts, but I don't remember any of them being mean. It probably helped that I had an established audience, had already parented a couple of kids from care. That I had met my limit in this kid, and knew that some other blogging parents would have been able to handle, was something that people accepted.

I've given the same sort of support to other people who have made the decision that they can't continue to parent a child. I think a lot of blogs end when people get there. Many bloggers have not been treated as well by their readers as I have been. (Most of the really negative comments I get are from people who clearly haven't been reading the blog. Those I can generally shake off. Fortunately I have never been targeted by the kind of troll that just keeps coming back.)

Though I am pretty free with the "here's an idea that might work" comment, I am very hesitant to tell people that I really think they are doing it wrong. Generally I figure there is more to the story than I am reading, or that they aren't likely to be receptive to comments that are based upon that premise. If they reject all my "just an idea" comments, they aren't likely to respond well to comments that are out and out critical. I've left them occasionally though. I've never been sure it was a good idea.

I'm thinking about this recently because I have been debating about what kinds of comments I should leave on blogs.

Generally if I think a blogger is making major parenting mistakes, I say nothing, but I am not sure where the limits are.

What sort of comments do you find helpful?

Do you ever feel like you SHOULD leave a comment on a blog even though you don't think the writer will be receptive?

I'm actually asking here.

Oh, and if you ever wanted to tell me that some comment or other that I left you was not helpful, now would be an appropriate time to say so.

Social Worker Visit & Update on Frankie

We had our monthly drop-in from the social worker. She likes us because we never need her. Of course I reminded her that in the past I have sometimes had a lot of needs. I didn't specifically point out that at the end with Frankie I was calling her quite a bit.

We had a nice visit. I told her when we were leaving for vacation. She asked if we had told the state worker. I responded that we hadn't and she said she would take care of that for us. I gave her a copy of Gary's grades and she gave him a gentle lecture about the D's. She told me that she doubted that the PO would violate his probation over it, although agreed that his chances of getting off supervised probation* were certainly less.

We talked about whether he was up to date on all his medical stuff, and we told her stories about what was going on. We talked about his girlfriend and her very protective mother. I told her that I was tempted to tell the mother not to worry, that Gary was very responsible and that we made sure he had access to condoms. She thought that was hilarious and told her own story that begins, "I always had a drawer where I kept condoms. I told my girls that they could always take them for themselves or for friends..." It was an interesting story.

I remembered to ask her about Frankie. I told her that I knew there was a limit, but what could she tell me? She said he was doing really well. He was living in a emancipation home. It is a staffed facility that is helps boys to develop the skills to live independently. He is studying for his GED and has a summer job. She says he is doing really well. She will send me the facility's phone number so I can call if I like.

When she left she asked if we were driving or flying on our vacation. I said that we were driving and that I needed to so that I could drive away if necessary -- there is a certain amount of anxiety when I am with my father.

"Your father will be there?"

"Well. They are his cottages, so yeah."

"Ugg. Family vacations."

"It's okay. He's mellowed in his old age."

"Well the pot helps," says Gary.

"What?" asks the worker.

"He said that the pot helps keep my dad mellow."

"Your father smokes pot?"

"Yes. But it's [state] and it's medical so it is legal."

"Uh huh."

"No. Really. I'm sure he has a card."

"It's okay. I grew up in California. Have a good trip!"

And then she was gone.

---

I can't remember if it is his county or his judge, but Gary has been informed that he will not just let out of probation. At some point he will go to unsupervised probation. That means all the conditions of the probation, including regular contact with his PO, go away. The only one that stays is the requirement that he not violate any laws. If he gets so much as a traffic ticket he will have violated his probation, which is a felony, and can get him 180 days in detention. He would only be released from unsupervised probation when he turns 21.

Another thing I am not doing (updated)

I am not worrying about the fact that Gary hasn't called his PO in weeks, perhaps months. He is supposed to call every Tuesday. She has been wanting to get him off supervised probation for a year, but it is only recently that it has seemed possible. She sent him a message through his social worker saying that he needed to send in his court fees so she could process him. He did some weeding for us to earn the $20. Roland wrote the check, gave him an envelop and stamp, and we think he probably mailed it in.

He's nervous though because he got two D's. That is a probation violation. That means that he PO could make him spend time in the detention center. She probably won't.

Probably.

She would certainly have a conversation with him about it, and she absolutely wouldn't request that he be released from supervised probation when he is not currently in compliance with his probation conditions.

Now I am not worried about this is the sense that I have any anxiety about it. I am however very curious about it. Periodically I can't resist asking him if he has called. I really want to know what is going to happen. When he tells me he hasn't called I feel a disappointment similar to finding out that the sequel to the book I just read hasn't come out yet.

Does that sound heartless? I don't mean for it to. I hope for his sake that he doesn't have to spend a few days in detention. I know he would hate it. I would hate it for him. If he went I would be very sad for him. I won't be sad if he stays on probation. Though I don't think he needs or deserves to still be on probation, I do find it convenient. This whole, he has to be home by 8:00pm thing is really convenient for me.

It is one of the ways my parenting has changed over the years. When we started this 9 years ago I would have thought that making sure he called and informed the PO of everything was my job. Now I know it is his, and I am just curious as to how it is all going to turn out.

I'll let you know when I do, of course.

Update: He overheard me asking Roland about it, and asked for help. He had never addressed an envelop before. Now he has and his check and a copy of his grades are on their way to his PO.

He says that if the PO reports his grades to the judge, the judge could sentence him to 180 days in detention, although he would hope he would only get 30 days. Of course he really hopes the PO doesn't violate his probation.

So Peaceful It's Boring

Well, I'm not actually bored, but the blog is doomed.

Andrew is volunteering at the animal shelter. They have a rule now that volunteers cannot adopt animals for 30 days. It is a very good thing that I know that we simply cannot take in another dog because I would be doomed. When I picked him up on Friday he had finished grooming a long-hair Chihuahua. It was such a sweet little thing, walking right by his side and looking up at him. He was an owner-surrender and came in with another, somewhat larger Chihuahua. They were (are) devoted to each other. The smaller one got adopted over the weekend and the bigger one is pining.

He, Andrew, went to walk a short-haired Chihuahua today. At first the dog snapped when Andrew tried to put him on the leash. So Andrew shut the kennel. The dog then sat by the door and looked very apologetic. So Andrew tried again and this time the dog cooperated, but was terrified walking past all the kennels with the big dogs. When they got to the exercise yard the little guy seemed to want to run. Andrew was fine with that, but the dog kept getting under his feet. He finally figured out that the dog was trying to get in front of him and flop down so that he could be picked up.

Andrew wouldn't carry him around the exercise yard, but he did sit in the grass and let the dog climb into his lap ... and he carried past the scary big dogs when they went inside.

Brian did is weekly hour of volunteering today. This time he got to play with (i.e. exercise) the cats. He also has stories about which ones are wonderful.

Gary is have a more difficult time, having nothing to do other than go to MMA class. He mopes a little, but we ignore it.

Gary and Brian are not getting along as well as they once did. Brian is irritated by Gary's bragging. Gary is irritated by Brian's habit of doing as little as possible when asked to do a chore. I find both characteristics annoying myself, but I'm better at letting it roll off.

I'm really enjoying Andrew and Alice. I'm not sure that is exactly the right word, but they are so sweet and loving. It is making me remember what it is like to be young and in love. They are delightful.

Roland spends time relaxing and working on some furniture for his classroom. He decided it needed to be repainted, but then decided that they needed ... oh I haven't a clue. It involves the use of clamps.

As for me, I feel a bit guilty about reading novels all the time and not preparing for my fall classes, but apparently not guilty enough to stop reading novels.

Like I said, so peaceful it's boring.

But I'm not complaining.

Frankie Doesn't Live There Anymore

The woman who had been Frankie's foster mom called me a couple of days ago and said she would like to car pool to a recreation event the agency had for the kids today. (They climbed a big rock.) She picked up the boys, but I didn't see her. Roland went to get them, but none of them was Frankie. One of the boys said that he is in a "transitional home," which could mean just about anything.

The family had been living in a tiny town north of here. He had been doing well at the small high school there. Now they have moved to Our Small Town, and Frankie isn't with them.

I have no idea what happened. Gary's new-to-him social worker is also Frankie's worker. I will have to see what information she can give me when I see her next. It won't be much. She might say that Frankie decided he didn't want to come back to Our Small Town because the schools. Maybe the learned that the high school would insist that he go back into the restrictive program he was in when he was with us. If that happened, she would tell me. Or maybe he disrupted for any number of reasons. If that is the case, then the social worker won't say anything other than the placement didn't work out. She won't give me details.

At least he is with the agency. They will stick with him.

I had really hoped that placement would work out for him. I really had.

It is funny. Just a couple of days ago I started a post about kids moving in foster care, about how we can't have fewer moves by deciding we will have fewer moves. Kids move for reasons. If we are going to ensure fewer moves, we will need to address the reasons.

Random Summer Reports

Let's see....

Andrew did make a real effort to apply for a job. He even went to the fast food joints he didn't want to apply to last year where they told him that they couldn't keep paper application forms in stock and if he wanted to apply he would have to go home and print his own application from the internet and bring it in. He goes to the orientation for volunteering at the animal shelter on Thursday. We are hoping they can put him to work for many hours every week.

Brian also wanted to volunteer, but not being sixteen he had limited options. I remembered though that the private cat-only shelter (which was started way back when the county animal shelter only took dogs) lets teens as young as 13 volunteer. So he went in and they told him they could fit him in from 2-3 on Mondays. He went yesterday and weeded around the outside of the building. I'm thinking they are fairly overwhelmed with volunteers.

Gary complains that he needs a project this summer. He can't get a job either, even though he is signed up with a governement-funded program that will pay his wages for the first couple of months. That's right folks. Local businesses are so overwhelmed that they are turning down free part-time employees. To be fair, these employees need to be trained, supervised, and reported on. In any case, he can't get a job, but he wants to do something. He didn't want to volunteer with Andrew because one of his ex-girlfriends volunteers at the animal shelter sometimes and he didn't want to volunteer with Brian because he spends a lot of time with Brian and it would be good for them to have some more time apart. (Okay, he didn't exactlly say that, but that is what I understood).

As seems typical with Gary, he only wants to do something if it is big. He doesn't want to spend a couple of hours walking dogs, he wants to do something that will change the world in meaningful ways. Like start a group that advocates for kids in foster care. I asked why he didn't join the local organization of foster youth/alumni that advocates for kids in foster care. They do good work and he could certainly help them. He seemed disappointed that such an organization already existed and didn't seem to think that attending their meetings would be very interesting.

It's a hero thing, or something. He doesn't want to do grunt work. He wants to do something Really Important, or else spend the summer complaining periodically that he doesn't have anything important to do.

He keeps going back and forth on the MMA tournament thing. The only person who thinks it is a good idea is the job coach, who might not think it is a good idea. He might just be facilitating Gary's ideas and thinking that we are supportive of it. We aren't. It isn't that it might not be a good idea under some circumstances. It is just that the gym where he trains doesn't think he should participate in a national tournament before competing in regional ones, and he has to pay for half of it himself. Seeing as he doesn't have a job, that will be difficult. Yesterday he and the job coach had this idea of having a car wash at the church.

It took a while to explain that yes the church would probably let him use the parking lot, water, etc, but maybe not if it was just him and not a club or any other type of organization. However, it wasn't a good location for one. Oh, and no, he couldn't count on people at the church coming. He can't use their parking lot when there are services and the absolutely won't allow him to sell tickets to his car wash at the church. Yes, they let the church youth group do that, but they are the church youth group. He is a boy who never goes to church who wants to make money for his own project.

We are not in close communication with the job coach. We need to talk. On one hand I feel strongly that kids should be allowed to pursue their crazy, unrealistic ideas. It gives them something to do and they learn a lot along the way. And then there is always the possibility that they will succeed, and that is good too. Still, there is a difference between Gary having crazy grand ideas about what he will do, and the job coach giving him crazy ideas. I remind myself that all my information about what the job coach says is from Gary.

Anyway, I am seeing a theme here with Gary. Nothing is worth doing unless it can be done in a spectacular way. If it can't be done in a spectacular way, then why bother? Of course a lot of this is self-doubt and self-protection. It sounds like he is a kid who wants to take risks, but it actually protects him from risks. The things that are within his grasp are not worth doing. The things that are worth doing are not possible for him to attempt.

Let's see...

It really looks like Alice is not going to get the money together to go to the art institute. On one hand I am so very sad for her. On the other there was never any way for her to do it other than getting people to co-sign on loans for her. The amount of loans she would have had to take would have been overwhelming. She is sad about that, but adjusting. That Andrew can come home as often as one weekend a month seems to help, I think. Of course my main goal is to keep Andrew from even considering leaving the college he is in and sticking around here so he can be with her all the time.

We invited her to go with us to the cottages this summer. To her surprise her mother agreed without argument. She didn't even have to explain that she and Andrew wouldn't even be sleeping in the same cottage. She figures her mother must know that if we are there we will be supervising them. I figure her mother realized that if she didn't say yes, Andrew might stay here and they would have the whole house to themselves. Also both of them are over 18 and they have been dating for two years. I think we all trust them to be responsible about whatever decisions they make, and believe it is their business what decisions they are making.

So all that is good, although it is going to be complicated. I have to plan menus and write a grocery list for all six of us, plus maybe my dad. I have to get it right too, because the closest grocery store is 2 hours away. Well, there is a tiny store where we can buy a $5+ gallon of milk, but that is to be avoided.

And I am happy to report that I don't have anything more interesting to report.

Kindle-Gate (update w/Amazon's response)

There is confusion about Kindle's DRM policy. If you haven't read these, and care about Kindle and DRM, please do. Try not to get too worked up though.

Kindle's DRM Rear's Its Ugly Head

Kindlegate: Confusion Abounds Regarding Kindle's DRM Policy

DRM sucks and I don't like it. I'm not going to try to defend DRM in general, but I have a guess as to what is going on.

Audible.com's DRM policy is that you can have your book on 2 computers and 3 devices at any one time. You don't have to register devices with them, so it is possible for me to loan you an audible book by putting it on your mp3 player. Of course this is dangerous. If you like, my adults sons have done, simply DO NOT BELIEVE that I have to remove the book with my computer so that that I can have that copy back at my disposal, I am no able to have it on no more than 2 devices at one time. If you have your books on two different computers and they both crash and burn, you can call audible, tell them what happened, and have the DRM re-set.

And if you are going to have DRM at all, you do have to have some such policy, or the DRM doesn't actually do anything.

The problem is that Amazon's policy for DRM is not clear, and that is a big problem.

Right now up to six devices can be registered on one account. They also have to share a means of payment. My husband's new iPod Touch is on my Kindle account. He can read any on my books if he wants. Theoretically, a book club of people who really trusted each other could all buy Kindle's, put them on one account, and share copies of a one purchase. (They would need to be careful about syncing or backing up their comments and bookmarks though. The system is set up to assume one person is using all those devices and each sync will over-ride previous information.) Did I mention they have to trust each other?

There is nothing on the web site about temporarily putting a device on your account, but someone must have thought about this. It appears that I should be able to register your iPhone to my account for a limited time so that you can read one of my books and then unregister it later. Of course, while you are registered I have to trust that you won't access the account and buy a boat load of books. I imagine that if I was in the habit of registering and de-registering devices at an alarming rate, or if a particular iPod was getting successively registered under different accounts, Amazon would notice and do something about it. (BTW, when you de-register a device Amazon wipes it. Don't believe anyone who is trying to sell you a used Kindle with pre-purchased books).

Anyway, all this could we worse. iTunes doesn't allow purchases to be downloaded more than once. You break your device and don't have a backup? You lose your music.

Now of course, if there is DRM there will be limits to how many devices a book can be on and/or how many times you can download it. That is what DRM is all about. One should also expect that if you are allowed to download a book more than once, it is probable that sometimes there will be a glitch and you will need to call customer service and have them reset the count on your books.

What is unacceptable is that Amazon does not have a consistent policy, or even a clear way to learn the book-by-book policy.

Update: Amazon's response is...

Publishers choose whether they apply DRM to their content and thus determine how many copies of each title can be downloaded to different Kindle devices at the same time. There is no limit on the number of times a title can be downloaded to a registered device, but there may be limits on the number of devices (usually 6) that can simultaneously use a single book. If you have upgraded or replaced your device, you should delete the content and deregister any device(s) no longer in use, which enables you to download to new registered devices.

Plans for the day

Gary is going to his girlfriend's birthday party. She has a pool where her family has just moved and he needs a new swimsuit, he says, because his current one hits him four inches above the knee. It's a swimsuit, dude. Ah well, styles change. So I will be buying him one. He wants to buy her flowers.

The rest of us are going to Pride. Brian is taking a friend from school. Andrew is taking his girlfriend and her sister who is required to write a paper on an event from a community other than her own. I know she will be respectful and interested. Roland volunteered to sit at our church's booth for an hour or so.

David will be there and wants to meet us at 1:20. He of course really wants to see us, but I imagine he is also hoping to be bought lunch. That's okay. So it should be an exciting, fun-filled day. One of us at an outside pool and the others at a rally, march, and fair.

Oh, did I mention the weather? It is overcast, cool and windy out side, thunderstorms are expected in the afternoon.

I suppose this is to be prefered from the time we had Pride when Andrew had undiagnosed walking pneumonia and temps reached a record-breaking 114 degrees.

But not by much.