Almost There, Not
Well, I am getting over the surprise and shock of it.
In the last post I said, "I am trying to be happy for him. Part of me really is. I could even get to the place where most of me is, as soon as I get over the surprise." I'm almost there, emotionally.
I thought I was. That was in fact why I started this post, to announce that I realized what a good thing it would be for Gary to get to live with his father. How happy it made me to see him really joyful this afternoon -- sliding across the floor in his socks when he thought no one was looking.
Objectively, I know this would mean everything to him. It is winning the lottery, the granting of the wish by the Fairy Godmother. It is forgiveness, love, family.
I have no fear for his safety. His father is no better or worse than any other ordinary human being, and he is Gary's father.
So I got there, and I started this post to tell you I really am happy for him.
Except that I wrote that and started crying and can't quite stop. This is threatening to turn into a real, unrestained, adolescent bawl.
I want him to live here with me.
What a surprising turn of events.
ReplyDeleteKnowing what is best and feeling happy for Gary can be completely separate emotions from feeling sad that he's not going to live with you. You're allowed to have all of those feelings -- and you shouldn't feel guilty about it.
I am so sorry that it is so painful.
ReplyDeleteI wish every child in foster care faced this. Being loved by two families who WANT him, two families willing to cry for him. I am sorry it hurts you, you have such a loving heart, which is why you are so suited for this work.
ReplyDeleteIt's ok to want him to stay yet know that it's ok for him to leave...you connected with him and he connected with your family and now you have to mourn the possibility of what could have been...ok...Im not making sense...just wanted to say you are justified in feeling that way...and {{hugs}}
ReplyDeleteThis foster care stuff is just so hard, isn't it? I'm sorry.
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