So Gary...

His dad called him a while ago, sometime after the hearing, but he doesn't really remember exactly when. Gary didn't answer the phone and his dad didn't leave a message. Gary just told me that yesterday, as we sat waiting for his turn to be x-rayed.

Oh, wait, did I blog that yet? Gary decided to quit the gym where he has been doing MMA for ages (where "ages" are measured in months). Over the summer one of his previous teachers had been coming to the gym and working out with him. He can't come anymore and Gary decided that the regular guy doesn't have anything to teach him. He looked around for a different dojo, knowing that there was no other within a reasonable range that had a reputation nearly as good as the one he was quitting. He found one to try though. I took him on Tuesday. He got his arm/shoulder twisted pretty bad. He didn't say anything until Thursday when he texted me and said that his shoulder really hurt and he thought he should see the doctor. Since Gary NEVER says stuff like that, I just dropped everything and picked him up. We spent a total of three hours waiting to be "worked in," waiting for x-rays, etc. It looks like nothing was broken, but he has an appointment with the regular physician on Monday.

Anyway, he told me his dad called and that he didn't answer and he didn't know what his dad wanted to talk about.

In the most casual voice I could manage I said something like, "Huh, I wonder what he wanted."

Inside I was thinking things like, "Did he get the notice about the TPR proceedings? Did he want to talk about that? If he did, what did he want to say? Did he want to tell Gary that he was going to sign, or that he was not going to sign? Did he want to know what Gary thought about all this? I wonder if the notification said anything about adoption, or if it was just about TPR? Is he happy, or sad, or angry?"

I just kept taking deep, slow breaths and reminding myself that Gary is entirely within his rights to take or not take his father's calls. I really do believe if the TPR proceedings result in Will showing a renewed interest in his son, that would be a good outcome. I believe that if he fights the TPR he will win. I certainly think he should win. The question is really whether he just decides to let go or fight.

I know that part of Gary wants him to fight. Gary won't acknowledge that because he doesn't think it will happen, but I know he wants it.

So I was disappointed that Gary hadn't taken he call, because I want to know what is going on. I'll just have to get over that though.

The state worker hasn't told me anything. I don't know if either or both of his parents have been served. I don't know if the social worker has talked to them or what they have said. They only message I have had from the state worker is a brief email telling me that he sent in the receipt for the computer and I should be getting a reimbursement check soon.

The agency worker came for the monthly visit. Gary wanted her to meet him at his school at the end of the day to talk to the counselor about graduating early. Not surprisingly, it turns out that Gary cannot graduate from the arts charter school early. He can try to talk to the people at Our Small Town High, but it isn't easy to graduate early from there either. His best best is to take the 6 units he will need after this school year from one of the on-line schools. The school counselor at the Arts Charter is going to see if she can rearrange his schedule so that he can drop an elective and have a free period. If she can, then we will sign him up for a self-paced on-line class which he will do at the school in her office on his computer.

We are going to take it one course at a time. If he keeps finishing courses, then we will keep signing him up and he can graduate from the on-line school. If he doesn't, then next year he will go to Our Town High part time and either work or take classes from the community college.

While she was here I told her about what happened at the court. She had been on vacation, and her supervisor (Gary's previous agency worker) had gone instead. That the case plan goal had been changed to "termination and adoption" was news to her.

Sigh.

And this post is rambling and disconnected, but then, so is my life.

Visit from the social worker

I came home today about an hour before the boys should be here and Gary was in the living room. I asked him if he was okay. He said that he was feeling better but that he had had a migraine. This morning it hurt so bad he couldn't move.

I've known him long enough not to be deceived by that relaxed, "just reporting the news tone" as he said it. I got the phone and called the physician. He has an appointment for tomorrow morning. And let us all be happy that the private agency will pay for whatever medication the doctor prescribes.

Anyway, he was feeling better so we watched some stuff on the DVR. It was nice. Just sitting there, watching TV, pausing it to talk about MMA stuff (translation: listen while he talked), or to explain the TV show something to him ("No, Cole isn't Balthazar or the source or human, really anymore. He's just full of demon powers and going insane." Yes, I have sunk this low in my need for girl power. Blame Joss Wedon.) And while we were thus quietly engaged my cell phone beeped. It was a text from the social worker.

"I'm running late, but I should be there in about 45 minutes. Sorry."

Oh. Um. I guess the social worker is coming over.

So she came over.

And nothing happened.

Lordy, blogging when everything is going well is REALLY BORING.

Roland is taking Gary to the physician tomorrow.

Just Talkin' it out

Gary wanted to chat last evening. It sort of went in a circle and I think it stopped where it did because I had to go to bed, not because he had settled on anything.

He wanted to know if I had sent in the form saying he would be attending the charter school next year. "Yes, but it's not like they can do anything if you change your mind. Are you thinking of going back to Our Small Town High?"

"Well, maybe...." Reasons turn out to be:
1. Everything at the charter school is college prep level and he is having trouble keeping up with the work.
2. He wants to start a martial arts club and that would be more successful at Our Small Town High (OSTH).
3. OSTH offers more AP classes for which you can get concurrent credit (i.e. pay tuition to a local college, not mine, and receive high school credit for the course).
4. He really isn't "arty." In his art history class (required there), they are doing calligraphy. Everyone else is able to make this really cool letters, but he can't. They do art stuff in almost every single class!
5. He could take courses like sports medicine at OSTH.

I did not point out the contradiction between 1 & 3, although when he said "AP English" I did tell him remind him that English wasn't his best subject and he shouldn't count on being able to get into AP English. I reaffirmed that it was his choice but I wanted him to remember what his experience of being at OSTH was like.

I realize that I forgot to mention that at the art school kids are allowed to listen to their MP3 players while they do work. He likes that.

Then he said that he thought that he could get his martial arts club going at the OSTH, did I think so?

I said that I thought he could get it going at the charter school if he pitched it right. "What if you sold if at first as a club to learn stage fighting? It could grow into something else, but stage fighting is something that would fit the school."

He thought that might work. Then he talked about how it would be dangerous to teach martial arts at OSTH. There are some pretty rough kids and he would feel bad if anyone took what he taught them and used it to really hurt anyone. The kids at the arts school are not the sort that get into fights.

Then I pointed out that he could block/choreograph and direct a fight scene for his senior project. He thought that that was WAY cool. Then he said that some of the best fight scenes in movies were acted in slow motion and then sped up. I asked if there was any way that he could do his senior project with someone who did video work, or maybe he could do the video work too.

Anyway, that was where we left it. He was pretty excited about the idea.

But who knows where he will be this afternoon.

Lying is Pointless?!

I told Gary last night that I was very pleased that he told the truth when Roland asked him how he got home. (See previous post -- I'm not in a linking mood).

He responded, "Well, there wasn't any point in lying. Everyone already knew."

Insert contended sigh here.

Beware of Dad's Sick Days

Yes, my darling, beware. If Dad is home when you walk into the house a full ten minutes after your brother, he may be suspicious. Remember, it was MOM who suggested she wouldn't worry too much about how you got home, although even she might have thought that the ten minute gap was pushing credibility.

Dad though, well that is a whole 'nuther ball of wax. When DAD agreed that the parents wouldn't make great efforts to monitor you he meant that he wouldn't pay Verizon to track your phone, or wait by the bus stop to greet you when you got off. He did not even consider that he would look the other way when you tried to sneak in the back door ten minutes late.

I know this is not much of a comfort to you, but I want you to know that I am really very proud of you for telling the truth when he asked you how you got home, even though it means you are grounded for 48 hours again.

Blogging the Good Times

Blogging is a wonderful thing when you are stressed. It is therapeutic. Reading blogs written by people who are coping with the hard times is also helpful. It confirms our own experiences. It gives us hope that we can do it to. Sometimes it even gives us specific ideas about how to go about handling problems. And let's face it...problems are INTERESTING. They just are. Conflict is central, necessary to any story. If there is no conflict there is no story. So it should not be suprising that blogging when life is good has a tendency to be boring for everyone.

And yet I want this to be out there: sometimes parenting a kids from foster care who have suffered rejection and trauma is easy.

Sometimes it is everything that you imagined it would be back when you were naive and thought it was going to be easy.

Not always, maybe not even usually, but sometimes it is.

The meaning of second place

Gary is very proud of his second place medal and says we need a wall to display all the awards he is going to get, including this one.

He doesn't want us to think he is TOO proud of his medal though. He said, "You know what second place is? It is the first person who loses! Second place is just 'first loser.'"

Brian looked at him a bit confused, "No, all the losers lose at the same time."

Gary gave a foot race analogy, the winner crosses the finish line and the person who comes in second is the first person to lose.

"No" said Brian, "when the winner crosses the finish line everyone has loses RIGHT THEN. They all lose at the same time."

I'm not sure how that one ended up. They debated for a while.

MMA Tournament

It was yesterday. He wasn't sure what time it was, but it was yesterday.

And he wanted to go, which was good because we previously paid the fee for him to compete.

Oh, regarding the fee? At first he asked for an advance on his allowance. He said it was very important to him to pay for it himself and he didn't want us to pay for it. I said that it was the sort of thing we usually pay for for kids, and he said that he didn't want us to. I said that we would pay half and when his allowance came I would give him the rest. When it was time for the allowance his girlfriend had just asked him to go to the winter formal and he wanted to take her out to dinner. He asked me for ideas for restaurants where he could get her dinner and maybe still be able to buy a corsage for [insert total allowance amount here]. We didn't talk about the fee. It was okay. I gave him the full allowance.

Anyway, he wasn't sure of the time, so he spent all morning calling people. Of course he might have called days before, but what would be the fun in that?

At noon he found out that it started at 10:00am, so I drove him over. He didn't want to compete in any kick boxing matches, just grappling.

He went to the girlfriend's after, of course.

Then he came home. And now the part that you've all been waiting for!

"I came in second! I would have won, but on the last match I lost on points...just one point! See you get points for [insert explanation here]. And in the match he did [this] and I did [this] and then everyone was yelling 'mount! mount! mount!" because that is the only way I could win. Then I got him in a mount and I was just holding on and holding on and he couldn't shake me and I was going to win by one point. Except right at the end when they were calling time I relaxed like one second too soon and he threw me off and so he won by one point. But I am a good sport about it because I know that I was better than he was!

"The first match was SWEET. It was like five seconds long. I got the guy [insert explanation] and he tapped out! It was great, because I haven't had that much confidence since I got kicked in the head, but everything just went so perfect and I came out of there just glowing. I felt really good!

"And then there was the second match, and I won that too."

There was at one point a detailed description of the second match, but it was not, as the other two were, on automatic replay all evening long. Having heard that description only once, I can't even summarize it for you. He did win though.

He was on a high all evening, telling us about it over and over and over.

It was lovely to see him so happy.

He is going to go back to the private gym though. He is going to take the class that Brian is in instead of working out with the fighters. He thinks that is best. He will still go to the Y to work out though. He needs to go to the class so he can earn the belts. You don't need belts to compete in MMA, but someday he wants to open his own gym and probably people will only pay him to teach them if he does have a black belt, so he is going to get one.

He is happy.

And he still has all of his teeth.

the tooth, again

So you all remember about when he got the front tooth broke in MMA, right?

Well, ever now and then he has mentioned that it is still sensitive. When I ask how much he generally says something like, "Pretty much."

Well, today we got the letter saying that Medicaid will pay for the crown. He asked me if having it would make his tooth not be sensitive anymore, because it was annoying him. I said that they might do a root canal too, but that yes, it wouldn't be sensitive after that.

Then, really casually, like it didn't really matter he said, "So, would I be asleep when they were doing that?"

I said that his dentist did use sedation for people who needed it, but that usually people were awake.

"But they use some sort of pain medication, right?" This time he is still acting casual, but I can see there is some effort involved.

"Oh yeah, it will be completely numb. You won't feel anything."

"Oh good. Well, I think I will probably have it done." He's back to totally nonchalant.

After a while I asked him about this sensitivity. He said that the tooth was sensitive to pressure and hot and cold. He kind of shrugged.

"So, when it hurts the worst, on a scale of one to ten, how bad is it?"

"Mmm...about seven."

"That's a lot."

He grinned, "Yeah, kind of wants to make you never drink anything cold ever again."

Just in case you ever have to deal with Gary, you should know that if something hurts enough for him to tell you about it, he is in pain.

Brian's evening

It was a tough evening for Brian, mostly.

When I came home he was really upset. Really. It turns out that he has good reason to be. Now, I am honest about my kids' weaknesses. I'm not one of those moms who carries on about how wonderful my kid is in everything. However, you must believe me when I tell you that Brian can act. There is a traveling children's theatre and when they come to town, Brian has consistently been one of the kids who have snagged one of the big parts -- even when he was several years younger and had to wear a costume that was far too big for him. I can't stop myself from telling everyone how wonderful he was in Harvey last year. He played Elwood and stayed in character even while feeding other actors their lines. He was genuinely fantastic. At the beginning of the year the drama teacher invited him to switch from Drama 1 to Drama 2 because she did not have any students in the advanced class who could handle a certain part. He declined because he would have to drop either Spanish or Jazz Band, and he has friends in Drama 1.

Okay, so he is good. He can also carry a tune. He isn't a great singer, but he can hit the right notes which in our house is pretty impressive.

So now the class is doing the Lion King. The regular drama teacher isn't directing because it is a musical. The school's "Artistic Director" (AD) is doing it. All the kids who wanted major parts had to sing one line. Brian reports that he did that okay, which I believe. He wanted to play Scar. Brian likes playing bad guys.

The AD came to class yesterday and announced that she was assigning parts based upon what she had seen of their work, not the auditions. She offered the part of Scar to Gary who didn't audition and doesn't want to act and has ever acted before. This is important. If the AD couldn't be assigning parts based upon her views of their previous work because Gary does not have any previous work. Gary wants to do lights. Gary turned it down and then the AD offered it to a girl who Gary says can't sing at all. I remember her from the last play. She didn't remember her lines and kept giggling.

Gary backs Brian up on the story that the casting does not make sense. We are assured that the motive of "giving every one a turn" does not explain the casting decisions, nor does actual talent.

Brian has been offered the part of an background animal who has no lines.

I understand him being upset.

So I sat with him while he raged. I asked him how close he was to having the whole play memorized. He said pretty close. I suggested that he ask his drama teacher to tell the AD that he really can step into any part, any day. Every day someone is absent, he should volunteer to read for whoever it is and do that part well. He can be the unofficial understudy of the whole frickin play. I told him, "Maybe you won't actually get to take over a part, but that so-called artistic director will see what a huge mistake she made!" My being vindictive and petty on his part seemed to really cheer him up.

We also agreed that since one of the things he imagines doing when he grows up is being a drama teacher, that he will use this play as a "lab." I assured him that being such a great actor he was never going to get a chance to be involved in a play and not have a part ever again. This time he could watch to see how the director did things. He could even practice teaching drama by coaching other students.

Anyway, by the end of the conversation he was imagining going in there with quiet dignity and doing everything perfectly. It does help that he knows the real teacher understands that a mistake has been made.

So on to brighter things right? Not so much.

Brian had finally agreed to try out the class at the Y. Gary likes it there more and more. They have got more equipment. There are a couple of other young people there at about his skill level. So Brian went.

He came back anxious and said that he really didn't want to go. The kids in that class were the same sort of kids he had trouble with at his old school (they might have even been some of the same kids). He would like to go back to the private gym, but he knows it costs more and we have to drive farther so if we don't want to he doesn't have to take a class at all.

Roland was first happy to just let him not take any class at all, but I think I convinced him to let Brian go back. The big issue isn't the money, it's the driving. Two boys will have to be collected at about the same time from two different locations twice a week. I had to promise I would do my share of the driving even though I don't like driving at night and usually manage to do things like forget and get into the bathtub just before it is time to go.

We haven't told Brian that it is okay for him to go back to the other class.

**

And one more thing. For his speech class he has to do a presentation on his "family and friends." Now, on one hand I need to talk to the speech teacher and make sure that the assignment was given in such a way that allows kids to protect their privacy. On the other hand, Brian is pretty excited about his. Roland showed him how to use power point and he set something up where one slide is just him and Andrew and then each of his other brothers comes "flying in" one at a time. He's excited about it.

It was an emotional evening for him.

Buses

Gary spent a good hour last night reading the bus schedules. He found a bus that does go back and forth from Schoolville to The City. It is possible for him to take buses from the school, to the mall, and eventually back home. It means a total of 3 hours on buses (or waiting for them) and 2 hours at the mall, but it can be done.

I am relieved.

And, to be clear, what I am relieved about is that he won't feel the need to lie to me if what he is doing is going to the mall.

Ah the wild and wacky world of foster care.

Texting the kid

Me to Gary: When are u coming home?
Gary: When do you need me home?
Me: Mostly I just need to know. Sooner is better, after 8 is too late.
Gary: Um...6...ish?
Me: k

five minutes later
Gary: Is something wrong?
Me: No. It is just that I cooked turkey thighs, mashed potatoes and peas*. Roland is running an errand, and Brian doesn't like potatoes or peas. No one is here to eat my food.
Gary: I am sorry. LOL.

He's a good kid and a blessing in my life.

___
*All Gary's favorites

Is he lying?

I'm having a grumpy afternoon.

I left work after an hour this morning because the heat was broken (and none of the profs who came in early called maintanence), and the cold was setting off my asthma. For a while I was going to try to stick it out but people kept expressing sympathy for that horrible cough I had. So I went home.

I never get as much work done at home.

Anyway, I got a text message from Gary when he got out of school.

Okay, first some geography. We live in Our Small Town. The boys' charter school is THAT way. (Can you see me pointing?) We will call that town Schoolville. The public bus goes back and forth from Our Small Town and Schoolville. If you keep traveling THAT way you get to The City. There is a public communter bus that goes in the morning and come back at 5:00pm, but that is all.

So...I get a text message and Gary wants to know if he and Girlfriend can go to the mall in The City.

Sigh. I told him yesterday that I would assume that he knew he had to ride the bus and not ask him about it, but that it was important to me to know where he was and who he was with. I texted back, "There is no bus to the mall in The City. You can go to the mall in Schoolville, crappy tho I know it is."

He texted back, "The mall in Schoolville will be fine."

So, is he lying? Did he go to the mall in Schoolville, or does he figure that I just don't want to be put in a position of knowing he is riding with Girlfriend and so is lying about where he is going?

It makes me tired...wondering whether he is telling me the truth.

Suddenly I am remembering all the times when dealing with the agency rules have given me headaches.

I wonder if it would have been easier if I had told him that he had to be home on the public bus every day at 3:30. If he stayed at school he would need a sign note from the teacher. Lay down the law. Follow all the rules. No exceptions. No trying to find a reasonable compromise. I don't know if he would sigh and accept that or if it would lead to more lying and sneaking around.

I'm not upset or angry, but I really am tired. If I find out that he has gone to the mall in The City (though I am not going to go crazy trying to track him), there will be a change in the rules. He doesn't understand that I really meant it about telling me the truth. He does not have permission to lie to me so as to avoid the state's driving rule.

And of course it is possible he really did tell me the truth and went to the mall in Schoolville.

I can dream.

***

Update:
Still obsessing. The thing is, I know that nothing is WRONG. He's a basically good kid who wants to do ordinary not-bad things. I want to let him do ordinary not-bad things. I'm just frustrated.

Riding in Cars with Girl

So I had a chance to talk about the driving rule. It wasn't terribly satisfactory, although we all understand each other. It is the state rule. No one can say that we are not going to follow it. She doesn't seem to be particularly interested in my reporting violations to her, but also agrees that I don't have to put excessive effort into monitoring him.

So I told him that it was very important for me to know where he was and who he was with. I did not want him to lie to me about that. He said, "So if I call and say that Girlfriend and I are at the mall....?"

"I will assume you know that you are supposed to ride the bus and don't need to be reminded."

He nodded.

Then I said, "I can't make the rules be something other than what they are. If I see you in the car with Girlfriend...."

"You'll ground me."

"Yep."

"Got it."

No one likes this situation.

I could tell the social worker was tired when she called. She had emailed me before apologizing for not getting back earlier and said there had been some "blow outs." That could mean a couple of different things, but it certainly means that at least one of her kids is in crisis mode. My little problem just wasn't in the same league.

On the other hand, Girlfriend is a teenage girl in love. Being separated from her Romeo for two days was almost more than she could endure. She is going to be highly motivated to ... prevent him from getting caught.

Sigh.

About driving

Someone asked what we were going to do about enforcing the stupid rule that he can't let his seventeen-year-old girlfriend give him a ride anywhere. The answer is that whenever we catch him we will inform the social worker and ground him for two days.

I don't, in case you are wondering, expect this to have any significant affect on his behavior. Those who have studied behavior mod know that punishment only works if it is severe and immediate. I don't think there is anything I am willing to do that would be severe to a kid who has been in detention facilities as much as he has. 48 hour grounding is nothing. My opinion is still that if human beings regret their actions they don't need to be punished and if they don't regret their actions, the threat of punishment is likely to just make them be more sneaky.

I learned today that the girlfriend minds him being grounded. She gets out of school a bit before he does and is at his school to greet him every single day. In the past she has either driven him to the bus stop five blocks away and waited for the bus with him, or he has texted to say he is staying after school. Then they spend an hour together and she drops him off around the time the next bus would get here.

Anyway, she is very upset about Gary being grounded. She showed up at the school today and, I am told by Gary and Brian, protested that she can hardly survive this separation. She said she wanted to come to me and beg to let him off being grounded, and presumably promise not to drive him ever again. The boys assured her that would not work.

So she drove him to the bus stop.

It's a good thing that I don't have "prevent Gary from getting rides from the girlfriend" as a goal.
Oh, in case you are wondering, she won't turn 18 until December. And Gary did volunteer the information about the daily ride to the bus stop. I think it was a test to see which mattered more to me: him telling me the truth or him getting into the car with the girlfriend. (Answer: telling me the truth).

After thinking over the problem I suggested to him that she leave her car at the bus stop and ride home with him. They can visit here and then she could take the bus back to her car. He doesn't like the idea of her riding the bus alone because of all the "creepy people" but he agrees it might be a solution that will work he will tell her about it.

Of course it is also possible that what they will do is drive to the bus stop on THIS end and CLAIM that they rode the bus together.

Stupid rule.

He's busted [updated]

So I suspected that he wasn't actually staying after school to get help on his homework. I didn't suspect much because, you know, he NEEDED help on his homework. As the expression goes, I may be slow but I'm not stupid. Even I will doubt that a sixteen-year-old boy will stay after school to get help with "math concepts" on the first day of the semester.

Roland called the school and asked the math teacher if he stayed after. Of course not.

So when he comes home he will lose his cell phone, computer, and girlfriend visiting privileges for two days. I know, I'm Miss No-Punishment, but well sometimes it just feel so right.

*****

So he just came home. Roland and I met him at the door.

"You're busted."

He gave a guilty grin, "Yeah?"

"Yep. Text the girl tell her she will not hear from you for 48 hours. No cell phone, computer, etc."

"Yeah, okay." He nodded. Fair cop.

He took it all with good humor. Too good as a matter of a fact. I'm pretty sure he has been spending time with her after school several times a week for a while. He will accept the two-day grounding as more than reasonable, and then go right back to being sneaky.

I put in a call to the social worker. The underlying problem is that "The Rules" say that he can't be driven by anyone under 18. That is why he is lying to us. I want to know if I can give him permission to get rides with the girlfriend. I would prefer that he tell me the truth and I know where he is.

***
The social worker told me that the official rule is that he can't be with drivers under 18 at all and can only be with driver's older than 18 if I have a copy of the driver's license, insurance, and feel comfortable with them.

I swear I didn't know about the copy of the driver's license and insurance rule. I think I need a new rule book. And I think I am just getting tired of making kids follow other people's rules. Even if they are sensible rules, you know?

I will not discourage

Now he wants to get a job as a fitness instructor. They are hiring at the Rec center in the next town over. It is a drive, but the public bus does go there. So Monday-Friday he could do that.

Still, he reads these job descriptions to me, tells me how much they are going to pay an hour and gets so very excited. They want a certification in something or other, but he could do that. Most of the certification programs require that you be 18, but he has found one that doesn't. Besides, he could teach water aerobics even without it!

I didn't even roll my eyes.

They also need someone to supervise youth basketball. He can do that! [Um...terms of probation: may not be with youth more than two years younger than himself without being supervised. So either he would have to be supervised while supervising or else the place would have to be willing to hire him to supervise youth almost his own age.]

But he definitely wants to be a fitness instructor or a physical trainer. He's been looking at how much they pay and it is really good, and he knows all about fitness.

Okay, so he doesn't know all about it, but he could study and get one of these certifications.

He should definitely take a reduced schedule at school so that he would have time to study for the physical trainer/fitness instructor exams. He doesn't need all those classes anyway. He only wants to take classes at high school that are required for graduation or will benefit him. He doesn't want them to stick him into an art class or something just to fill up space so he will be there all day. (Okay, I understand that one.)

Still, I keep imagining if I went to take a fitness class and the instructor was a gangly sixteen year old boy whose main qualification was enthusiasm.

He tells me that he has been working hard with the guy from job services to find a job at places like fast food, but there just aren't any jobs. I think I am inclined to believe him, but I'm not sure. I really do hope he gets a normal teenage job. Someplace close would be nice.

A rambling post in which I discuss lazy parenting

I think a lot about boundaries: mine and the kids'. I think about when it is appropriate for me to enforce a rule, to step in and try to persuade, and to stay quite unless I am asked for advice.

Compared to most parents, I enforce few rules and generally coerce very little behavior. It is the style of parenting that I feel comfortable with. Part of that is just replicating my childhood, as we all do. My mother didn't make me do stuff, although she supported and encouraged me when I wanted to. I had chores, of course. In fact, several of my friends were surprised that I had as many chores as I did. By the time I was in high school I cooked more than she did (although she planned the meals and had the ingredients ready which I now realize was more than half the job). I also did most of the dusting and bathroom cleaning, mostly because it bothered me more than it did anyone else. My sister never liked to cook and I remember she mowed our very large country-road lawn. I don't remember it being a big deal. I think Mom just asked us to do things. If it was an outside chore, Sis did it without complaint. If it was inside, I did it. I recall one time refusing to mow when Sis was gone, but offering to extra cleaning.

I was a pretty responsible young person. I know I must of got into trouble a lot when I was smaller, but by the time I was a teenager I don't recall Mom getting angry at me much. I got good grades, took ballet classes for a few years, got a job as soon as I was old enough, and participated in drama in high school. She never made me do any of those things, but she supported me.

Funny, I can remember going to Alateen regularly at an age when I couldn't drive. I remember driving myself to some meetings, but I know I went for a long stretch before. Other than the first meeting, I have no memory of my mother driving me to the meetings. I have no idea what she did while I was there, although it was far enough away that she couldn't have gone home. I just told her one day that my cousin told me about a group for teenagers with alcoholic parents. I found a group near us and I wanted to go. She said that that sounded like a good idea and she took me. When I stopped wanting to go for a while I just did.

I know at one point she tried to get me to lose weight. I don't remember much about the details, just that I didn't like it. I do remember years later overhearing my mother tell someone that yes, I had been putting on weight but that she wasn't going to do anything about it. "It doesn't work to push her. When she decides she wants to take some off she will. She did before."

Now, my sister's relationship with my mother was different. They fought. I don't even know about what. My mother was generally concerned about my sister's behavior, and tried to do something about it, but I don't recall that she had much success.

I want to be fair and honest here. These are memories based upon my life after about age 10 or maybe even 12. I remember "gettting into trouble" when I was younger, and I remember being punished but I simply don't remember what for. Anyway.

I parent the same way. We have rules here. We have four basic principles:
1. Everyone knows where everyone is.
2. Everyone contributes.
3. Everyone does their job.
4. Everyone is respectful of others, which includes their possessions.

Of course these principles turn into more specific rules. The boys each cook one night and clean the kitchen another night. They have a limited amount of electronic time, and we are more aggressive about enforcing that when they are struggling with their job (i.e. their grades are not good).

I had more rules and consequences when Andrew was little. He will tell you that I used to tell him, "My responsibility isn't to your happiness. My responsibility is to your character. Being happy is your job."

I never felt the need to punish kids when they clearly knew what they had done was wrong. I remember Andrew and Friend pulling off what was like a miniature man-hole cover. It covered a handle that closed off something that went to the house. Not gas, we didn't have gas... Anyway, they pulled it off and left it off. Another kid stepped in it and hurt his ankle. It wasn't a serious injury, but it was a little kid and Andrew and Friend knew they were at fault. I found them sitting in the backyard waiting for the punishment that would come. I sat down with them and said, "So, you know you shouldn't have done that right?"
"Yes!" they replied.
"You look pretty upset about it."
"We didn't want him to get hurt! We really didn't. We're sorry" said Andrew.
"I know."
"What are you going to do to us?" asked Friend.
"Well, are you going to ever do something like that again?"
"NO!" in unison.
"So...if I punish you will that make you less likely to do it again?"
They were confused, but they worked it out and said that no, it wouldn't because they already weren't going to do it.
"Okay. So I think you learned a lesson today. Don't forget it."

And I left.

[Digression: I must have said that a lot. When Andrew was about five he came running to show me something. I was lying on the sofa and had left my glasses on the floor. He almost stepped on them but I stopped him just in time. He said, "Oh Mama, you should not have left your glasses on the floor." "I know, Andrew." He looked at me sympathetically and said, "Well, at least you learned something today."]

The point of all this is that certain kinds of parenting practices seem foreign to me. I don't see the point of punishing kids (even when it is called "imposing a consequence") if they regret what they have done, and think it probably won't be effective if they don't. I'm not saying I haven't punished kids. I have. I just never had much confidence that they would learn anything from it.

I believe in natural and logical consequences. I've told a kid that if he can't count on his friends to get him home on time I will have to start showing up at the movie theatre (or wherever) an hour before curfew to bring him home, and of course he will only be able to go when I will be able to bring him home. I've been tested on that one before, and I've done it. Carl once went two weeks not being able to go anywhere unless he was in line of sight of a responsible adult since I clearly couldn't trust him to tell me where he was going to be.

I've told teens that I'm disappointed to learn that they haven't turned in work at school. They know we agreed they don't play video games until after homework is done. Since can't seem to balance homework and video games, we aren't going to let them play video games on school days for a while. When they ask for how long I tell them I don't know. Until I think they can keep them in balance. Maybe a week, maybe until they graduate from high school.

That sort of thing I have found to be generally more effective than something like grounding. It makes sense to the kids. If they can't be trusted they have to be watched. If they can't finish homework and do video games, then they can't do video games. If they can't be trusted to put the tools away, they can't borrow the tools.

I do use pressure to get kids to do things they don't want to. No hanging with friends until their Saturday chore is finished, that sort of thing.

But there are some things I really don't do. I don't make kids do stuff, like Gary and martial arts. He wants to switch classes. Fine with me. I have been telling him that I think it has been really good for him and I really want him to continue. If he wanted to quit I might tell him that I didn't think I got my money's worth out of the equipment and that I was going to deduct a certain amount from his allowance for a while. That would mostly be about making me feel better, though. The next time he said he wanted to sign up for something I might make him put down a deposit on the equipment, or just buy it himself.

If he quit suddenly I would be concerned about whether there was something else in his life that was going on that was causing him stress. I wouldn't make him continue though. I don't think I know how.

I know that is partly me.

Brian is getting a C in jazz band because he hasn't been bringing his trumpet home and so doesn't have signed practice sheets to turn in. The thing is, he is really good. Roland thinks it is important for him to continue and even though Brian said that maybe he would just quit, Roland said "no." So Brian is going to keep taking jazz band. Roland says he is going to not let Brian have electronics unless he brings home his trumpet and practices first.

I'm backing him up on this, but I part of me is just curious about how it will turn out. Will Brian develop good habits and eventually be grateful we pushed him? Will Roland really enforce the rule that he has laid down? I will enforce it, but only as long as Roland is doing it too. We agreed a long time ago that one parent was not allowed to create a rule like that and then expect the other parent to do all the work of making it happen.

Sometimes I do go crazy and decide that I am going to make the kids do things other parents make their kids do, or things some authority told me my kids should do. Like at the end of last summer when I decided that Brian should slowly reset his sleeping schedule so that he be awake when school started. It was a total disaster. I would wake him up and he would just end up falling asleep again. I got mad. I made him go for walks with me to make him wake up. He went, dragging his feet, came home and fell asleep wherever he sat. I worried about how he was going to cope in school. What if he fell asleep on the bus and missed the stop? It was a public bus, not like a school bus where everyone is made to get off. What if he fell asleep in class?

In the end I finally gave the problem to Roland. He has a hard time getting up in the morning too. He said he would take it. He and Brian agreed they would help each other get up early. Then they both slept in. When school started they managed.

That's the way things go when I try to control past a certain point. Badly.

Now the down side of this is that I don't have children who excel in sports, but we are not athletic so maybe it is genetic and we couldn't have changed it if we tried. I wonder if our children would more determination (or something) if we more often made them do or keep doing things they didn't want to do . Perhaps if we made them do more things they would have a greater sense of satisfaction of accomplishment.

Or maybe not.

I think I have an un-schooling approach to non-school things.

Maybe this is it. As a philosopher interested in ethics I tell students that ethical systems often divide actions into four categories: obligatory; laudable; permissible; and prohibited. Things that are obligatory or prohibited are areas in which I exert myself, although in as non-punitive a way as possible. Things I think of as laudable I mostly leave up to the kids. I'm willing to facilitate, encourage, and praise, but those things just are not obligatory and it is not my job to push it.

Some days I think I have been an extremely lazy and bad parent and my kids have suffered for it.

And most days I think my kids are pretty cool human beings whom I feel privileged to have in my life.

And the point of all this sharing?

Well, it seems to work really well with foster teens, at least the ones I am parenting. Of course there are some kids that I turned out not to be the right parent for, so maybe my exciting claim is just a tautology, "This method of parenting works really well with the kids it works really with!"

But here's the up side. In all this time when I am enforcing as few rules as I can, and enforcing them in a non-punitive manner, I am building up trust with the kids. We are forming a relationship. They slowly learn that they can tell me they made a mistake and I will help them figure out a solution and won't punish them. They slowly feel more and more comfortable talking to me about their problems. Sometimes they lie, but since I'm not big on solving problems for them they don't normally succeed in manipulating me.

My view with these kids is that in a couple of years they are going to have be responsible for themselves and right now they need mentoring from me while they practice. If I do too much for them, they will not learn to do it themselves -- and one of the things they need to learn to do for themselves is motivate.

Of course, I'm not dealing with kids who are all about rebelling against me. My boys come into the relationship warily, wondering what I am going to be about. I offer them mentoring rather than control, and most of them have taken me up on it. None of the kids I am successfully parenting came to me with major discipline problems. Well, not anything recent, anyway. I don't know if this sort of low-key parenting would be successful with kids who are seriously rebelling.

Carl, David and Evan have made their share of stupid decisions. They have messed up in big ways, but this did seem to be the best way to deal with things. Ann was determined to establish that she was the one in control and was bullying the boys. That was not something that my low-key, how-can-I-help parenting could handle. Brian's troubles in school did not go away until we got him treatment for an underlying condition. No amount of encouragement or logical consequences was going to help him concentrate in school.

On the other hand, I think it would be work with more kids that most people think.

And when it works, it really does seem to encourage the building of a relationship, and that is a very cool thing to have.

MMA at the Y

Gary has enjoyed the MMA classes during the week. He is being allowed to take a class with the adults and is learning technique. It is good because his actual training has been very hit-and-miss. There is a class that is mostly adults, although he is not the only minor. Because it is at the Y, the are some pretty strict rules about what level of fighting there can be between adults and minors. Basically, there isn't any fighting at all. He does get to spar with the other minors, and is once again in the position of being far better than the people he is up against. This morning he is going to another class that he was warned was "hard core." I'm not sure exactly what that mean, and neither is he. I guess we will find out when he comes home.

Roland and I are trying to convince Brian to switch to the Y also. The class there is SO much less expensive than the other. Brian really likes it out there though. Gary had been paying for his classes by cleaning to gym. So to make it fair, we gave Brian the job of deep cleaning the bathroom every week. I think I will start making sure he is doing a really good job.

I tend to lean heavily on letting kids make their own decisions, but I am not above applying a little pressure.

And we might get to the point where paying for and driving to this class is just too much for us, but for now it is okay.

Naming

Been reading all the posts on naming adoptive kids? No? Well you should. Start here: Paragraphein , Thorn, Torina, and Altasean. There are probably more, but that will get you going. Go ahead, read them. This post will be here when you get back.

****

I don't actually have a lot to add, except maybe emphasis. I think about this in the context of foster care adoption and children old enough to understand the question. No one that I know of is forcing a new name on an older child. Doing so would make me think they shouldn't be parents. Even in the where a new name is necessary for reasons of safety children should be renaming themselves. And as I said, that is only emphasis. Some foster/adoptive parents I know say things like, "I would change my child's name if they wanted." I would say "I would allow my child to change their name if they wanted."

A shift in emphasis, but perhaps an important one.

I wasn't going to write a post about this at all. I think lots of good things have been said and didn't have much to add.

And then a few nights ago Gary announced that one of his teachers insisted on calling him by his name instead of his initials and he HATED that. Without thinking about it I said, "Why do you dislike your name so much?"

"Because that is the name of [my abuser]. I was named after him."

[Insert very, very bad words here.]

I offered to tell the teacher if he wanted. I told him that David had the same issue and that he let me tell a few people for him. "If your teacher knows that is the name of your abuser, he won't forget again. I won't tell him anything else, not even that you are related, just that it is the same name."

He agreed.

Suddenly I want a moratorium on naming children after living relatives. Heck, no more naming kids after anybody, at least no one alive. I don't really believe that a different name would have protected Gary, but I do think that having the same name may have made it worse. Not just in the sense that he carries the reminder. I think it may have made it worse then.

The reason that naming children is a big deal is that it creates a claim. Women typically take the name of the men they marry. Sometimes men and women hyphenate. One couple I know made up a new name from the syllabals of there old ones. The name says "we belong to each other." That can be a bad sort of belonging, a type of property, or it can be a sign of commitment and love.

Still, whatever it means, it means something.

And I wonder if in the mind of the little boy that Gary was if it created a sense that this man was allowed to do what he did. How did Gary understand what being named after him meant?

I'm nauseous. My head huts. I want to scream.

It is probably a good thing that Gary is slowly willing to talk about that part of his life. He had been made to tell the stories of his life to many people in the years before we met him. We made it clear to him that we had read the summaries in his file and he did not have to tell us any more than he wanted to. He has said very little, though he occassionally hands over a piece of information.

I hate that his name is contaminated by this. I hate that he is reminded of his abuse whenever anyone says his name.

I really, really hate it.