I must be calm

It is odd for me, right at this moment. I just read a post by Brad saying how the calm of his son's adoptive parents sort of creeps him out. He was responding to a post that Nicole wrote this morning also talking about how she feels about not getting emotional reactions from her daughter's adoptive parents.

It is strange for me, because I just spent an hour with Gary's dad being super-good-me. I left the room drained. I wanted, I still want, to go have a cry out of sheer emotional exhaustion. It seemed to me to be utterly imperative to appear perfect, unthreatening, understanding, and all things wonderful to his dad. I do not think that he has any idea what I am really like. NO IDEA.

I did not intend to deceive, but I knew I had to be my best self.

I wanted to convince him that I was a safe person to entrust his son to. A very real part of me wants him to be so reassured that he decides to let me keep him. If I can't have that, I at least want him to feel safe so that he takes his time, for my sake and for Gary's. I want him to take his time and get a job comprable to the one he has now. I don't want him to take Gary into an unstable situation.

I also know that it is imperative that he approves of me, or it will be impossible for me to parent Gary. Gary loves this man. He is Gary's father. If he suggests to Gary in any way at all that attaching to me is a betrayal then my relationship with Gary will be doomed. It would take so little. He would not have to tell Gary to hate me. It could just be a tone in his voice. He could just refer to me as "that woman." He could ask questions with a certain anxiety in his voice. My relationship with Gary is barely a seedling. It is tiny and fragile and his dad has more power over it than he knows.

It isn't just that. I mean, I can parent a kid who have feelings of ambiguity about liking me. Heck, that is basic to the job description.

There is something else. I know that it is deeply important to me that my children's parents have confidence in me, and I am too emotionally exhausted from trying inspire that confidence to articulate why it is so important.

I just know that it is.