Sunday, May 25, 2008

Carl is Gone

Roland took him to the airport. I just couldn't. I'm too emotional. I'm incredibly sad because he is leaving. I hate not getting to see him more. I worry about him and I have no way to check up on him and make sure he is okay. I don't want him to leave.

And I am too angry at him to be sad in front of him. I want to shake him and tell him to grow up. I want to tell him that I did not buy him a plane ticket so that he could spend 20 hours watching Buffy but so that his brothers could have time with him. I want to have a good fight, vent some of these emotions, and still have time to make up.

So Roland took him to the airport.

We both tried to get Andrew and Brian out of bed to say goodbye. Andrew had been out all night at the Grad Night Lock-In, but Brian just didn't want to get up. Carl said, "Nice to know I'm loved" with some humor, but I know his feelings were hurt. I managed to say, "They do love you" when I hugged him goodbye instead of "Well, what did you expect?"

I remember how difficult it was in my early adulthood, seeing my mother only once every few years. There was no time for our relationship to develop. Neither of us wanted to relate to each other the way we had the last time we had been together, but there wasn't time to figure out how we should be relating to each other. It was always exhausting.

Now I am on the other side of that.

Carl is gone. I already miss him. I'm worried about him. I'm frustrated with him.

And I spent the entire weekend being polite.

I don't know that that was the right thing to do.


  1. Being polite is what grown ups do. I think it was the right thing to do. Hugs.

  2. Hmmm. I was going to say the opposite thing as Jo. But Jo knows about this sort of thing and I don't have a lick of experience. So there you go.

    Maybe being polite over the weekend was the right thing to do. But maybe, when you're calm, you could call him and talk to him? I don't know if Carl is the type of person that would be receptive to that or not.

  3. Would writing work?

  4. I think I'd be inclined to let it go. The problem with discussing it now is that there is nothing he can do about it until the next visit, which (unfortunately) could be awhile. By that time he will have forgotten any promises he may have made (to you and to himself), but he will of course remember if he felt hurt or criticized. Seems like it would be more effective to wait until whenever that visit is, and call him a day or two before he arrives and say "You know, I always look forward to having you here and last time you came I was disappointed I didn't get more time to spend with you. I know you need some down time, but do you think you could commit to (spending more time with the boys, helping out more, etc)? That way you're giving him an opportunity to do better rather than commenting on something he already did and can't undo.


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