Reflections on Frankie
So he's gone, for now, and I had a good night's sleep.
I don't know if I can describe how I'm feeling. I'm looking forward to this, but it is same feeling that people who have been striving to be parents would feel. It is not the joyous anticipation that I'm going to be a mommy, or even that I will be a mommy again.
I think about how deeply I love all the boys, and how proud I am of how the older boys have done. Carl, David, and Evan all in different ways have come so far and are doing so very well. I want to point to them and say, "Hey! Those are my kids! Look how wonderful they are!"
I expect I will feel that way about Frankie, but I don't feel that way now. If they were to call me and say that he changed his mind about living here and wasn't ready to leave the group home I would be disappointed, but accepting. I would tell them to let him know that if he changes his mind they should give us a call. Then I would move on, wondering every now and then what happened to him, hoping that whatever it was was a good thing, but not feeling a great deal of angst.
Right now I feel more like one would right before doing a very difficult project. I feel up to the job. I know I shall be writing posts venting frustration, but I don't know what the topics of those posts will be. I expect to also write posts of pride and affection, and eventually love. Right now I am more curious, and a bit anxious. And protective.
He should move in in just over a week. Perhaps I will ask for the address of the center and send him a short letter or card.
Next: Frankie's quilt
wouldn't that just make his day to know that you are thinking of him?
ReplyDeleteI know it is pure selfishness but I look forward to reading those posts. I've enjoyed hearing about all of your kids, knowing that it won't be long before mine is that age.
I think you'll do a great job with Frankie... and obviously nobody could expect you to feel love, pride or even affection for him after just meeting him! A feeling of, "He could fit in here," is good enough!
ReplyDeleteI would be surprised if you said, "I love him already." You are too thoughtful and pragmatic for that.
ReplyDeleteFrankie will become one of your boys soon enough...
It took me a long time to care (in a personal way) about my own foster daughter. I cared, in a professional sense, but if she'd been removed we would have gotten over it.
Now things are different. It's just something that changes with time and attachment.
I understand the ambivalence. Look forward to hearing more of the story.
ReplyDeleteNot knowing where the road will lead you, and not knowing what obstacles are ahead, I would be far more anxious than anything. It is so much easier when you both get started off young.
ReplyDeleteI understand what you're saying.
ReplyDeleteSorry to be away so long. Stupid internet. I just read your last five posts and sounds like it will go well.