Thursday, August 30, 2007

First Appointment

Frankie came out of his first appointment have clearly talked with great excitement the entire time about transitioning. He agreed with the counselor that he did not want to "come out" as a transexual or as girl. Frankie decided that he wants to be able to be a convincing girl before he presents as a girl to anyone outside the family. He thought that might even be after he started hormonal treatment.

Though the social worker had told the counselor that it was unlikely that Frankie would get permission for hormonal treatment prior to turning 18, Frankie was talking very excitedly about starting as soon as possible.

I understand the motivation. Frankie's voice has already changed and is quite deep. His overall body type though is petite. He has not developed a beard or much body hair. He would like to start the hormones before his body masculinizes further.

He is not going to get permission to do that any time soon. Possibly he won't get it and won't be able to start until he is 18.

And then on the way home he told me all about a long complex dream. It sounded like the plot of a very complex time travel novel. There were battles, and cat-people and cow-people and the destruction of the human race, and his own grief at leaving his wife and children.

I asked him if he was ever a girl in his dreams and he immediately said that he was and that in fact in this dream the reason he went to the future, the reason he volunteered to do it, was that he would get the money for the surgery.

I don't think that this was a real dream, or at the very least not all of it. It was a story that grew as he told it. I don't know that Frankie being male in the story means anything one way or another. I think it was just that the hero in this dramatic tale was male.

I think. Still, it was strange to hear this story in which he played the male dramatic hero, right in between talking about saving for quality falsies and his desire to get hormones.

He called his social worker and told her that he did want her to give his mother our phone number. He told me over our dinner about how shocked she would be when he told her about his plans for transitioning. I'm torn. I said very little, but I wanted to say more. I still don't think he understands there is a custody battle. I don't know how telling his mother about his plans will affect that, or if it will.

[Update: I just said to Frankie in the kitchen, "You know, you might want to let your mother feel safe and comfortable with you living here before you freak her out." Frankie giggled and said, "Yeah. How do I do that?" "Well, it's up to you, but maybe it is a good idea not to tell her about your plans for transitioning until after she feels okay about you being here." Frankie grinned, "Yeah. I probably should."

Sigh. I think I handled it okay. Certainly it was better than saying, "Your mother is trying to get custody of you and I support that if it is the right thing. However, the hearing is going to be a very conservative part of the state and I would hate for the judge to decide to move you because we are turning you into a perv."]

It's strange. He so often seems like a little boy, very masculine. Then he talks about "becoming a girl" and he is clearly happy and excited.

Sometimes being with Frankie is very disorienting.


  1. One thing you might discuss with everyone is the possibility of him going on testosterone blockers. It will "halt" the puberty thing for the time being, and give him time to decide if "going all the way" is the right thing or not.

    Sadly, if his voice has already changed, he'll probably need lots of voice lessons to correct that.

  2. I can even imagine if it is disorienting on the outside what it must feel like on the inside.

    have you talked to the social worker about Frankie's process and how his mother will handle it?

  3. I'm wondering if Frankie is aware that he could continue to be a boy AND a girl. Sometimes it sounds like he does have a male identity as well as a female one, and people do make different choices all along the continuum.

    I've always felt that my children are better off fully informed when it comes to situations that involve them, especially in ones in which they are going to have to make choices. I try to provide this information simply as information, without any judgment or bias as to which choices they should make. For example, when my son grew his hair long and started wearing a black leather jacket (a different presentation from most other teens in our town), I never told him not to do those things, but did talk to him about how others would perceive him and how to keep himself safe if others were making assumptions about him.


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