Monday, August 20, 2007

Frankie and Hubby

I am so pleased to report that Frankie is connecting to Hubby, perhaps even more than he is to me.

Carl, David and Evan all connected to me and took quite while before they felt comfortable asking Hubby for things. I still remember Evan asking me to ask Hubby to give him a ride (or something). I kept telling him that he should ask; Hubby was nice, nicer than I am. Evan responded "Pleeeeease? Won't you ask him for me?"

Now of course Evan has figured it out. Hubby is more patient and more likely to give you rides or buy you a soft drink while you are doing errands (not that Evan needs rides anymore). David still doesn't interact with him much. When he visits he divides his time between me and the boys. He'll hang with them for a while, but mostly he will be with me in the kitchen helping with meals, or playing cards at the table.

Frankie however seems to be just as comfortable with Hubby as he is with me, maybe even more so. I'm encouraging it every way I can. For instance, I had Hubby give Frankie his first allowance and suggested that Hubby give it to him when he could take Frankie shopping. He did and they spent a couple of hours together. I've been encouraging Hubby to ask Frankie to join him on errands or help him with projects. You know, all that father/son bonding thing.

The other boys had had more consistent relationships with their mothers and had suffered physical abuse at the hands of men (to different degrees). Maybe that is why it is different. As burdened as his father was with his medical condition, I think he provided Frankie with more consistent emotional care than he received elsewhere. But whatever the reason, it's a good thing.

I think it is healthy, and it is a relief. Frankie is spending a lot of time playing with Brian and talking with Hubby. I'm still in the mix of course, but I don't have the feeling I have had before of a new kid attached to me like a baby monkey, or monitoring me like a warden in a high security prison.

And if Frankie is gay (or bi, or trans, or even straight with no respect for gender expectations) imagine how wonderful it would be to feel accepted by a father-figure while you go through that process. There are a lot of fantastic fathers in the world, but my unscientific study indicates that most mothers come around more quickly than most fathers. Many of the dads of queer children (youth and adults) learn to accept. A larger percentage of the mothers learn to celebrate.

I hope what I am seeing in the relationships around me continue. Brian and Frankie are getting along as peers, each tolerating the other's oddness. Evan is being the perfect big brother; Frankie is showing signs of developing a case of hero-worship there. And Frankie is reaching out to Hubby who is responding with quiet acceptance.

As Dan would say, "I love my life."

1 comment:

Comments will be open for a little while, then I will be shutting them off. The blog will stay, but I do not want either to moderate comments or leave the blog available to spammers.