Thursday, August 30, 2007

Reflecting on the appointment

When I first took Frankie away from his appointment I was a bit confused. I mean, I thought that the counselor had wanted to persuade Frankie to go slowly. Frankie was just as excited as ever about shopping for clothes and starting treatment. More so, if possible.

It was after a while that I realized what the counselor had done. He asked Frankie what sort of girl ze wanted to be and how ze wanted to be perceived. Frankie said that ze wanted to look like a real girl, not like a boy dressed like a girl. Based upon that, the counselor guided him to decide to only present as a girl at home and with the family -- for now. One step at a time.

Frankie would need to practice, especially with the voice, and ze might even want to wait until after hormone treatments, before going out in the world as a girl.

The counselor I think did this very well. Frankie feels really good about this process and knows that ze is surrounded by people who are supportive. And there is no rush. Ze can take all the time in the world learning how to walk and talk like a girl before living full-time.

Frankie has also decided that he is happy with the number of people who know. When I talk to my friends I will tell them that I have another boy at home, a boy who was referred to us because he is questioning and needs a safe place to work things out.

It is difficult, partly because Frankie is so immature in some ways. He knows that his mother freaked out when he wanted to dress like a princess when he was five, and that a previous foster family wouldn't allow him to be with other children unsupervised when he came out to them (this brought angry tears to his eyes), and he knows that suddenly the social worker, family, and counselor he is working with are supportive. I don't think he had a very clear idea of what the world at large was like. How do most people respond?

It is difficult. On one hand, the closet is a terrible place to be. It is damaging to the psyche. I certainly don't want to tell anyone that they should closet themselves, nor set anyone else's time table for coming out. On the other hand, Frankie is naive. It is important for him to be fully informed so that he can make good decisions about how out to be at any given point.

None of this is easy for any of us, least of all for Frankie. Frankie has spent 10 years trying not to want what he wants, and trying to conform to other people's expectations for who he should be. Suddenly it is okay to be authentic. It must be a strange place to be.

I promised her we would shop for girls' clothes tomorrow.


  1. I know you have expressed your apprehension at shopping. Is it possible, that one of your Trans friends would be willing to take her or even just tag along??

  2. I've thought about asking my transwoman friend to go along, and I might at some point.

    However, the idea of shopping in the thrift stores doesn't make me apprehensive at all. I think it is because I have so often shopped with people who are looking for costumes or clothes for other purposes, and because dressing room is unisex. I don't have to go to the dressing rooms in the men's department and allow someone there to count the skirts and tops.

    My comfort level is the real reason that I am taking Frankie there instead of the regular store, although I have told zir that it is so ze can stock up and buy more clothes.

    Which is true--it just isn't my reason for doing it.

  3. Is Frankie does know that I know right?

    I mean I don't want to inadvertently cause him any stress because I know prematurely; then again I'm sure he wouldn't care.

    (All that hero complex he has with me taken into consideration!)

    I have to admit though, I'm slightly jealous...

    I bet that if I wanted to become a woman I'd get less blog space!


    I'm not in fact really jealous...just feel like I should be.


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