Last day before summer school

So, if you have been reading this blog you know that I have been worried about Evan going back to summer school. Even he has expressed some anxiety.

I told him that if he found it to be an unhealthy environment he should tell me so and he could finish high school on-line. He said he would tell me if he couldn't handle it. I tried to get him to understand that there is a difference between taking care of yourself and failing to handle something, but I don't think I got through to him. Still I have been doing my own recovery work and I wasn't feeling responsible for his journey. He knew what his options were and it was out of my hands.

He just told me before walking to work that he didn't need rides to school. He would just get up early and walk.

My (internal) response surprised me. Instead of thinking, "That's crazy. He will won't be able to make himself get up early enough to do that!" I thought, "Oh...he is giving himself an escape route. He won't have to admit he can't stay clean in the high school. He can just get kicked out for excessive tardies! Cool."

Now mind you, I don't think this is his PLAN, but it is an option. I do wish I could somehow transform him into the sort of responsible adult who could assess risks and make healthy decisions. Not too long ago I would have been upset at this decision. I would have wanted him to take one of the "mature" options. Now, I can do the loving detached thing where I accept that he is where he needs to be in his journey. Who knows what will happen? He may go to school and stay clean, or use, or quit, or get himself kicked out. It is his journey and I am here to support him, but I am not his Higher Power.

I will, though, be awake in the mornings so that I can give him a ride if he asks. I'm not that detached!