And now he is gone

Having Pi here was nice.

I gave him a copy of The Life of Pi to read on the bus. I wanted to give him a copy of Facing Codependence or Codependent No More. I didn’t though. I guess I have recovered sufficiently to let him walk his own journey.

Pi’s mother was sick most if his life. She died when he was 14. He created illusions for her constantly. She needed to hear that his life was good; so he told her that his life was good. He was dedicated to making her happy. He took care of her; he was needed.

He has a desperate need to please and needs reassurance on a regular basis. He was cleaning the kitchen (without being asked) and put some glass items into the dishwasher in a way that did not look safe. I took them out and said (without emotion or judgment), “I don’t put glass things in there like that. They could break.” He got anxious and told me that he was sorry; they don’t have a dishwasher at the sanctuary; he does not know all the finer points of loading one and was just trying to get as much in as possible. He was not angry and defensive, he was anxious and needy.

I had forgotten that about him. I had forgotten how needy he is; how very much he wants to be loved and appreciated.

It is exhausting.

It is difficult for me because that is one of my character defects. I am much better now, but it is still there. The nervous, please-like-me, part of me still exists. I tend to despise that part of me. That response is of course self-defeating as it only makes me feel worse and in greater need of reassurance, which makes me more disgusted … you get the picture. It is a relief now that I can see the pattern and mostly move past it.

Moving past in it me does also make it easier for me to deal with it in Pi. I did not give him significant reassurance or get irritated. I just said, “It’s okay” and changed the subject. He was left with feelings of inadequacy, but now I think it is smarter to leave him with those. He has to make himself feel better and all that.

He was sad when he left. He has a major crush on a local boy. He considered not going back at all. Now he is thinking about leaving the land and coming back to the area.

I find myself wondering what I think about it and then reminding myself that I really don’t get a vote on this one. He has a history of falling hard for boys, fancying himself deeply in love and then ending up broken-hearted.

But whatever happens, he is now back on the sanctuary. It was good to have him home.