Saturday, October 27, 2007

Still here

I'm here...still feeling sad, still processing, still trying to pull it together.

I go through all the "what ifs." Some of them, I think, would have pushed the stream of our journey in one direction or another, but not much. No matter how we turned the stream it would end up in the same lake.

I wonder about how Frankie is feeling, but there is no comfort there. I think that at some level he knows he is where he needs to be. I think he will continue to feel angry and frustrated. I know he is safe.

I want to write to him, but I am not certain what to say. I am not sure what he will "hear" at all. I know that when I wrote the Evan in rehab he did not even open all the letters, but he kept them. It was the getting of them that mattered. But I still have to write something. "I hope you are doing well" or "I am glad to know you are safe" or "We miss you, but don't let that confuse you because you can't come back." No, definitely not that last one.

Maybe just, "Just wanted you to know that we are thinking about you. I'm sorry I couldn't find your glasses or your ring. I'll let you know if I do. Take care of yourself." (It can't be any longer than that. That is about as much as he can read in one sitting unless he is very, very interested.)

Or is it better not to write at all? I don't think so...

There is just no fast track through the pain, is there?

I can fantasize about it...I could cast a spell that my will be done so that I could heal myself...and then demons would attack my friends, Giles would go blind, and Buffy and Spike would get engaged.

Sounds like a plan....


  1. I am just scanning over your blog and catching up on what has been happening in your family. I am so sorry.

    Thinking of you.

  2. With T, he just wanted notes that he could show his co-inmates (so to speak) that showed he DID have a family,a nd that they still counted him as a "real" member.

    He hated letters that asked how he was doing (he was in denial that anything was wrong, and was offended we thought it was), but loved the ones where we wrote as though he was just away at camp.

    "Hey, dude, guess what? The dog tore up the garbage bag and dragged these maxipads all over the back yard, and then grammy came over with her boyfriend and took him out to the deck to see the new landscaping, and boy were they surprised!!!"

    or "I'm just doing laundry, Hubby's mowing the grass, wish you were here to help, but I know you're having a blast hanging out with your friends. Talk to you later (the towels are calling my name from the dryer- "come fold me, come fold me" ha ha)"

    His therapist told us that the days he got those letters, were some of the best days he had there behavior wise.

    Just a thought.

  3. I love the Buffy reference. Maybe this is the time for a hallmark. Something with a great picture and you could write a small message in it.

    hind sight is always 20/20. if only we could make the "what ifs" reality.

    Be well, thinking of you all.

  4. hey, i always thought buffy and spike made a cute couple! try not to second guess yourself too much, it was what it was. you made a difference, you gave him something no one had ever given him before, and you let him stay past his sale by date. no one could have done more. rest and be well my friend, you done good, you really did!

  5. I think frequent short notes make the most sense.

    When I talk to the girls (which I realize isn't the same thing), I try to keep the conversation as light and friendly as possible.

    It means they do most of the talking of course.


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