Wednesday, October 24, 2007

I told him

I told him that he was being picked up tomorrow and I lied and said that I didn't know where he was going. He looked a little troubled and said, "So I have to pack up all my things tonight?"

"Well, I could do it for you, but I thought you would feel better if you got everything sealed up yourself."

"We could do it together!" He grins, offering me a last fun activity we can share.

"I'm going to play my game until it's time to leave for counseling. Is that okay with you?"

"It's okay."


  1. You are right, it is deceitful, but it is also in all everyone's best interest. I am sorry, sorry you are sad, sorry you are relieved, sorry this is Frankie's life. It is sad all around. Hugs dear.

  2. it's not so much deceitful as the kindest thing to do for everyone involved! why should he spend his last night in a real family upset and angry about something he has no control over. there is being truthful, and there is being unnecessarily cruel! look at it that way, you have no reason to feel guilty! hang in there, i'm thinking about the whole lot of you!

  3. Hey, look at it this way: (I struggled with similiar feelings of dishonesty with our neph, and this is what a kindly aunt explained to me, and it really helped)

    My uncle has Alzheimers. Badly. So much so that he often forgets that his brother, his best friend, died a year ago. He often asks when they're going to visit, or go fish.

    At first, we would remind him, he died, Uncle J, remember? And at first, it seemed like he did. But as the disease progresed, his brain couldn't process that info. Telling him his brother died over and over and over just made him fall apart over and over and over.

    It actually was more humane to NOT tell him. Just to say "I'm not sure" or "Maybe soon" (All too true now, as he is nearing the end also).

    The same thing goes for Frankie. He can't seem to process the info properly. It causes him extreme distress. SO in truth, it is more humane, both for Frankie & for your family, to simply not share that info.

    My other rationale is this: Things change often in the public care system. What may be true for today's plan often isn't true for tomorrow's. WHy tell Frankie today's plan, when it could very well change?

    Totally off the topic, but I watched an Oprah one time that talked about secrets. Specifically how a woman had cheated on her hubby, and gotten away with it. He didn't know, the affair had long since ended, and the marraige was much stronger.

    However, she still felt guilt becuase she had this knowledge that he didn't have. She wanted to tell him and then be forgiven.

    And Oprah told her, the reality was, she wanted to tell him for her own piece of mind, to absolve her own guilt, NOT because it would help him.

    I know the situation is totally different, (Obviously, duh, sorry) and you aren't feeling guilt, just a burden to share and be honest.

    But Frankie isn't like your bio boys, or even your other sons. This secret could very well cause him unnecessary stress.

    Kids like Frankie often stress more over the "whats gonna happen, oh, I don't want that" planning & waiting stage than they do when things just actually happen.

    Maybe you could just think of it as a Surprise? A special treat- return to the school he loved?

    I don't know, heck. I just want to encourage you. Don't stress over it. Focus on what you and your hubby and your bio boys are going to do to re-bond once Frankie leaves. Maybe a fun activity to help lighten the mood?

  4. I guess it's just another compromise you have to make to what's best for everyone in the long run, eh?

    I just hope it's over as smoothly and quickly as possible.


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