Monday, May 29, 2006

A day in the life of a recovering codependent

So I thought today about how hard Evan is working. I thought that I would like to say something nice to him. I would like to tell him "I know you are working hard. Good job."

But all this Al-Anon stuff gets me tied in knots. Does this mean that I am "taking his inventory"? Trying to control him through praise? Getting invested and developing expectations?

For the first time since I started all this codependency work I really wanted to just chuck it all. I was tired of trying so hard, analyzing my motives. I wanted to be spontaneous. I wanted to feel like a parent for a few minutes.

I actually called my sponsor about it. We talked for half an hour.

I came home determined. I was going to do the mommy thing. I was going to give him a little of the praise he deserved. I knocked on his door. He answered; I opened it and said, "How you doing?"

He just looked at me and knew something was different. "What's wrong? Are you checking up on me? I'm not using."

"All I said was, 'How are you doing?'"

"But something's up. What's going on?"

We did this for a couple more rounds. He was just getting more anxious about whatever it was that I was hiding from him. I was finding it funny, which wasn't helping him to relax any. Finally I said, "Okay. I wanted to remind you that tonight is your night to cook dinner."

"Well, why didn't you just say so? Geez."


I did, by the way, when he was cooking casually say, "I wanted you to know that I have noticed how hard you are working. Good job." He nodded.


  1. I'm sorry but that's really funny.

  2. For what it's worth, I don't think that offering someone recognition of their efforts is taking their inventory, controlling through praise, or anything else. As they say, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. :)

  3. i agree with fostereema on this one ;)


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