And today the meltdown was had by...

...me. Yep. The kids are all fine. Evan is fine.

So what set me off? What horrible thing happened that made me go running off to my office on a Saturday morning so that I could cry in peace for an hour?

Nothing. Well, nothing except me. Everyone else was still in bed.

I was sitting here in my favorite chair thinking about everything Evan is doing: he found a job; worked out an educational plan which does not require him to do anything for six weeks; and has been minimally compliant on all recovery activities. He keeps forgetting about AA/NA meetings and goes to counseling because I take him. Meanwhile he spends all his time in his room talking on his phone to his boyfriend.

It occured to me that it was possible that he was lying about the job and school. I would not know. For the entire time he lived here he was using and I did not know. He avoided telling direct lies, but he was not honest. I never had a clue that he was using. I did not know until he told me.

If he started using again, I would not know.

Oh I know I SAID I was not going to worry about that, but you didn't really believe that did you?

It occured to me that he could even be using right now. Since he got that phone he has once again been spending all his time in his room with the door shut. He doesn't have any local friends. He is not trying to make any friends. He is not going to meetings. He does not have a sponsor and does not seem to want one. Am I supposed to believe that he is staying clean with this little (apparent) effort?

So I went to my office and cried.

I don't have any evidence or even a good reason to think he is using, and if he does start using that is what it will be like. I will have no evidence, no reason, I won't know until he tells me. I thought that I wasn't going to worry because he was going to have to be busy. He was going to be doing school work and holding a job and I would tell myself that he could not be using if he was doing all that. But he has managed everything so that he does not have any obligations. Even if he starts working at this job, I will not know if he is home because he is not scheduled or because he called in and said he did not want to work. It will be at least another month before he has to be somewhere every day whether he wants to or not.

So, like I said, I went to my office and cried.

Nothing changed. I did not search his room, make him take a UA, create new boundaries or rules, or decide that I could not do it. I just went and hid in my office and cried for an hour and then came back.

My sponsor sent me a coin with the serenity prayer on it. I've been walking around with it in my pocket.

Now I am going to take him out and buy him the pants that he needs for the job that I do believe he has so that he can wear them to the prison tomorrow to visit his mother. Nothing that he owns conforms to the dress code.