Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Care to join me on my hill?

I am sitting Recovering Codependent Hill. Anyone want to join me?

The view is fantastic. From my hill the scene is this:

To my far left is a train named Evan's Recovery. To the far right is the Cliff of Relapse. There is supposed to be a bridge there. There isn't though. There are a bunch of workers with "12-Step Program" written on their shirts willing to help, but they cannot proceed unless Evan shows up to work with them, and Evan is not going. There is a really good counselor that gets on the train briefly every week or so. She seems pretty good at applying the break, but from here it looks like the train is gradually speeding up ... just a little bit. No one else really thinks it is, but then no one else has been studying the train as closely.

The social worker has just called to inform us that the expert bridge-building team known as "Out-Patient Relapse Prevention Program" will have its funding approved in two weeks. In other words, though they are authorized to attempt to coerce Evan into doing some bridge-building, they don't get to start working until a month into the journey.

If you don't want to sit with me it will be okay because I do have some company. One is a guy called "Sponsor". I keep telling him that I want to figure out how to stop the train wreck. He reminds me that I really can't. There is nothing I can do to stop that train and I sure as anything cannot build the bridge. He reminds me of the tree that we are leaning against which we normally call by different names but whom we have both agreed to call "HP." "Keep leaning on the tree," he tells me. "The tree will keep you strong."

"But will the tree stop the train wreck?"

"Not necessarily. Remember though, there is a whole lot of forest between the train and the cliff. We don't know what the track is like there. It might go in a direction you don't see. And there are lots of trees there. The train might even stop. And I know you don't want to hear this. But it might be that the train needs to go over the cliff."

Sponsor is right. I don't want to hear that last part. "It doesn't look like the train will stop. I know no one else is worried, but my gut tells me the train is going over that cliff."

"Try not to listen to your gut. Listen to the tree."

The tree says, "Ssshhhhh...."


  1. All I can say is, "Amen!"

  2. But that's just so hard sometimes. I just came over from one of your other blogging friends wanting to weep. How do any of you do it?


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