David's Story Part 52: Escalation

3/14/05 (Monday)
Lisa,

Friday evening David went with us to PFLAG and after we dropped him off at Robert's apartment. Hubby went to pick David up when youth group finished Sunday at 6:00pm.
David said that he did not need a ride home; Robert would give him one.

Anyway, Robert tried to persuade David to leave with Hubby since Hubby was there anyway. At first David argued with Robert in front of Hubby but he quickly took Robert into another room. When then came out a few minutes later David said that he had a ride home and Robert was quiet.

David did not come home. He was not there this morning. He is not in school today.

There is quite a long series of emails that I just can't bring myself to edit down. We discussed whether we should allow David to excuse himself and in the end (after a MUCH discussion) decided to let him. It seemed obvious that David was escalating, trying to get me to kick him out so that he could move in with Robert guilt free.

I was determined not to take the bait.

On Wednesday David told us he did not need a ride to The City. Robert would come get him. I turned out that Robert picked him up before school ended.

3/17/05 Thursday 8:00am
Lisa,

David did not come home again last night.

3/17/05 9:00am

I just went home to see if I could find a book I misplaced (I could not). Anyway, David was there with Robert playing video games. I asked David if he needed a ride to school.

"I have a ride."

"And you are missing 1st period."

"I have a ride."

I left.

I can be so perfectly calm with him -- then I go from zero to homicidal in 1.3 seconds.

I want to scream. I want to pack all his things and toss them out.

I feel like I am not allowed to be his mother. If Andrew were pulling this sort of sh*t I would NOT be walking around all careful not to upset him. I would not allow myself to be held hostage to his self-destructive impulses.

At the moment it seems clear to me that he has to move out. I can take it for now, but as soon as school is done... It feels like it is obviously the best thing for Andrew and Brian. What am I teaching them by letting David get away with this? Are they learning what they can get away with? Andrew said the other day that he hated to see David check mate me like this.

I may calm down in a minute or an hour, but right now...

That email went on for quite a while. I will spare you the rant.

3/18/05
From Mary:

Has he suffered any consequences for not coming home?

3/18/05
Mary,

No. None. Nada.

This is the source of our frustration.

The advice we are getting at all hands is that David is on the brink of moving
out. He wants us to fight with him so that he can leave claiming that we are unreasonable.

If we can take it we are supposed to let him get away with everything.

On one hand this approach seems to be so very wrong. Actions have consequences, or they should have. And the social worker thinks we should tell the school to let David excuse himself -- meaning that there would not even be consequences for cutting school, at least not until he gets to the magic number of 9.

By the way, 9 is was the total number of absences allowed by the school in any given semester. After that David would have to petition for credit. Since he was not going to have a medical excuse, after nine absences he would be unenrolled.

Looking back, this really was the beginning of the end. David was ready to leave. He was ready to do whatever he had to to make that happen. Well, anything other than tell people that he wanted to drop out of school, leave comprehensive care, and move in with his boyfriend.

David's Story Part 1: The Beginning
David's Story Part 53: First Conversation with Robert