David's Story Part 40: Coping With Humor

Ruby, I have been trying to figure out how to explain to David what I want from him. What do you think of this:

Survival Guide for Older Teenagers Still Living at Home:

Right now you need these primates to share their food with you and let you sleep in their dwelling so you don't get eaten by tigers. They have strange rituals of greeting and grooming that you must learn and follow.

When you come in the door, hang up your cell phone first and when you walk through say, 'Hello. I'm home.' This is necessary to ensure that the alpha female allows you safe passage to your sleeping area.

If you have been gone for more than a day you will be allowed to relieve yourself and put your suitcase in your sleeping-place. Before turning your phone back on return to the common area and be sure to greet each member of the family. Though this ritualistic greeting behavior is absurd, it helps the primate family form necessary social bonds. Once you have completed the greeting ritual you will be able to speak on the phone in your sleeping-place without causing bonding-anxiety among the primates.

When they eat communally always join them. Even if they are eating grubs and you just had a full meal of wonderful teen-human-food like pizza. Pretend to interested in the grubs and take one small bite. Engage in conversation and when the other primates are finished say, 'this was very good. I am sorry I did not have more of an appetite.' This pacifies the alpha female and may even prompt her to buy frozen teen-human-food and leave it in the freezer for you to eat at proper teen-human eating hours.

Once a week engage the young primates in some form of play or conversation for at least half an hour. Again, showing affection to the young is another way to keep the alpha female pacified.

Talk with the alpha female’s mate when he gives you rides in the automobile. This keeps the male happy and his happiness helps to keep the alpha female happy.

Though less necessary, it is wise to join the primate family once a month in their strange religious rituals. Like all the other the behaviors, this strengthens the social bonds and is likely to result in meals purchased from an establishment that sells teen-human food.

David's Story Part 1: The Beginning
David's Story Part 41: His Brother