David's Story Part 34: Hubby Talks to David

1/6/05
Mary,

We survived break. David spent most of his time with Robert in The City. Nobody liked that. We had expected that when school started up everything would go back to how it was before. That is not happening.

David stopped working when he was in pain and has not gone back. He complains that even when he was working he was not getting enough hours, but he has not put any energy into finding another job. He does not want to work in any of the places around here. So instead he spends every minute with his friends. If he is not in The City with them then he is in his room on his cell phone. This really is not an exaggeration. He got out of the habit of eating with us when he was so sick, and he still does not want to come to the table. He comes out to use the bathroom and get us to give him rides, and even then he spends the whole time talking on the phone.

Some days I feel like this is fairly normal behavior. Some days it really p*sses me off.

Last night Hubby was the one who was frustrated. He picked David up from Wednesday night group in The City and ended up telling him (very calmly he assures me) that if David wanted to spend all his time with his friends and did not want to be a part of our family he should think about asking Ruby to move him to a home in The City. I was really worried when he told me that. I afraid that all David heard was, "We want you to move out."

Hubby called me this morning after dropping David off at school to say that when he drove David to school he assured him that we love him and want him to stay but that David needed to think about his needs. Hubby says David did not say anything but that when he got out of the car he closed the door very carefully (i.e. he did not slam it).

I am worried. I am afraid that however lovingly and gently Hubby said it David will still understand him as suggesting that he move out.

Hubby wants him to reject that suggestion and realize how much he appreciates us and so start acting like he wants to be a part of the family.

Maybe David will react like Hubby wants. I'm not so sure though. David has experienced a lot of rejection and abandonment. He tends to protect himself from that.

Of course part of me wants to reinforce Hubby's strategy by asking Ruby to find him a respite place spot 100 miles thereby suggesting to David that if he leaves he could end up not in The City but some place even further from him friends and with a family who is not interested in spending two or three hours a week in the car so he can socialize.

David's Story Part 1: The Beginning
David's Story Part 35: The Beginning of the Panic