David's Story Part 49 : Reflections

I keep re-writing this post. I keep changing my mind about what I want to say here. I feel like there should be an editorial comment right now, but I keep changing my mind about what it should be.

I have trouble explaining to myself why I did what I did. Or at least why I did it at the precise moment I did. I don't understand why David did the things he did.

The last couple weeks with David were like working on a difficult math problem. For a long time I kept thinking that if I just kept my head clear I would find the solution. "Stay calm. Take a deep breath." And then there came the day when I threw down the pencil and said, "I give up."

Was there a solution? If I had worked harder would I have found it? Was there no solution and should I have recognized it sooner?

I still cannot answer those questions to my own satisfaction.

David's Story Part 1: The Beginning
David's Story Part 51: Two Weeks of Quiet