David's Story Part 10: August 2003

8/18/03
Mary

I went to Polly’s wedding over the weekend. It was lovely of course. Hubby got very sick and stayed home. Fortunately David decided to stay too. He is still pretty clingy and the thought of that on top everything was too much. Andrew and Brian went along though. So I am feeling pretty pooped...5 hours driving each day.

I have got everyone registered for school, next is school supplies. It can be so very expensive. David has a reading disability and so is a special ed student. We spent two hours waiting at the school on Friday to get him registered; the counselor that we waited so long to see though could not sign him up for classes because he was special ed. The special ed teacher called us this morning and we ran in to meet her. She is a very cool person. Clearly she likes helping kids. She also has a rainbow stripe sticker behind her desk. We told her that we liked it and she told David that her classroom was one of the safest places on campus. I wondered if something in his file indicated he is gay. Then it occured to me that a woman who puts up a rainbow striped sticker in her high school classroom, and sees a 16-year-old kid grinning because of it, can probably figure stuff out for herself. Anyway, it was a good meeting.

8/21/03

American Idol is coming to The City on Sunday. Desiree works at the Pavilion where it is playing and gave David two free tickets. He says she is his new best friend. Actually he is pleased because his actual best friend really wanted to go and now he can take her. He has not often been able to treat his friends.

Wednesday nights the kids from the GLBT youth group meet at a coffee place in The City. I went to pick David up and one of the boys came over to ask if I was David’s new mom, and was it true that I was Carl's mom too. I said yes and he asked if he could hug me, he was so glad that David was in a safe place. I let him, of course.

There is something addictive about being a GLBT ally. Even though things are getting better gay and lesbian people still have to deal with a lot of sh*t. They are so happy to meet allies. That of course is why Desiree has started dropping by all the time -- she does not have the support of her own parents and she needs some substitute parenting.

The whole first month was calm, quiet and happy. We got ready to go back to school; the boys played. I wrote little about David because there just was not much to write. If I had written to Mary daily I would have said, "Temperatures continue to be over 100. Boys are playing nicely together in the cool basement. I am busy planning for classes."

David's Story Part 1: The Beginning
David's Story Part 11: September 2003

David's Story Part 9: The first weekend

8/11/03

To Ruby
We had a fine weekend, mostly. I had told David that if it worked out okay, we could drop him off at his friend’s house in The City after church on Sunday and then pick him up at the community center after youth group. That depended upon his having a ride from the friend’s to group. He told us that it was all worked out so we went to Michael’s house. "Michael" was not there. Only his sister was and she said that Michael was working and she did not know when he would be back. He assured me that his other friend (I forget her name) could take him and I said that he needed to call her and make certain before I could leave him. It turned out that she was not able to take him.

We did not reprimand him for telling us he had worked out the details when he had obviously not. I think he got the point though…we will make certain that the plans are worked out before just dropping him off somewhere.

We bought him most of the clothes that he needed, although we have not got a coat or jacket yet. He has nothing in that area. I am sending in the receipts for that and for the things I got for his room (quilt supplies, bedding, and hangers). David asked for a body pillow saying that the only thing he was afraid of was being alone and a body pillow makes him feel safer. I don’t know if all those expenses are reimbursable, but I sent them in anyway. When the check for that comes in I will take him coat shopping. Ideally he should have a light weight and a heavy weight, but he might just have to do with one.

David's Story Part 1: The Beginning
Thoughts from a Fostering Family: David's Story Part 10: August 2003

David's Story Part 8: Moving In

8/9/03

Mary,
David moved in yesterday and, as mandated by the brand-new requirement, I helped him to take inventory of everything he owned. This was possible because he owns very little. He has a normal amount of pants and shirts, a couple pair of shoes and one pair of sandals. He does not own a jacket or coat, and needs new underwear, socks, pajamas, and a robe. What was really surprising was how little he has in the area of stuff. He owns three books...two of them are yearbooks. He has one of those decorative lamps that look like electrical storms inside the ball, a cheap electronic solitaire game, a backpack, a broken camera, a cell phone without service and toiletries. That's it...complete inventory taken.

Carl came with about 10 boxes and Ann with 30. They both had lots and lots of things that they were unwilling to throw away...just the junk of life. Then of course they both had books, music, boom boxes, and photographs. David has none of that. I don't know to what extent this is because David has been moved so much and to what extent it is because he does not tend to keep things. I suspect it is at least partly each, but David is living lighter than any teenager I have ever heard of.

Today Hubby and David are both shopping for school clothes. David has had very bad experience with fathers. In fact I don't think he has had one (birth, step or foster) who has not been homophobic and/or abusive. He tends therefore to attach to the mother and try to avoid the dad. Hence the day trip with Hubby. They need bonding time...which means time without me.

David's Story Part 1: The Beginning
David's Story Part 9: The first weekend

David's Story Part 7: Decisions and Details

7/30/03

Ruby,

Greetings from Maine!

We had our annual trip to our favorite eatery: a wonderful homey restaurant with fantastic sea food. We all came back stuffed and happy, and are settled down peacefully at the cottage, which is once again fogged in.

At lunch the kids wanted to know if I had heard anything from you regarding David, and of course I had not, so I am asking. Have you had a chance to chat with him yet?

Beth

P.S. I hope all your kids are doing well....and that the heat is not driving them all to outrageous behavior. We tried calling Carl on his cell phone but it is out of service. Sigh.

7/30/03

Beth,

Don't tell Carl I told you, he quit his job, and got a land line. He gave me two numbers so once I know which is good I will forward it to you.

I have spoken to David once since you left. He wants to be with you guys. I need to break the news that I don't have time to paint with him. I will contact him tomorrow and get back to you. Have fun and don't eat too much fish.

Ruby

7/30/03 (still)

Ruby,

Thanks. We are very excited. As you know we will be back on Tuesday. Wednesday will be taken up with things like shopping and retrieving Andrew's toad, so perhaps not the best day for anything else. Feel free to set up anything on Thursday or later.

So Carl quit his job? Before or after finding a new one?

Hubby is reading the children silly jokes..."Why does Piglet always smell so bad? He always plays with Pooh."

Beth

7/31/03

Loved the joke. It was great. I am hoping to meet with David today or tomorrow. Carl I believe slipped and told me he was fired. I didn't get into details with him. He has called me asking for job leads. I gave him two and also suggested he go to job service and get on the stick.

We are hoping to have an admit date for David on paper as of Aug. 5. Placement could be with you on a date that is agreeable with “Hubby” and yourself. This is one of the topics I need to visit with David about. Does Friday, Aug 8 sound ok? Thanks for keeping contact with me on your vacation. Give greetings to the family.

Ruby

There are a few more emails back and forth. I will spare you. David said he understood that we would be busy and tired but could he move in on Wednesday if he got his own ride? I asked him to consider if he wanted to put off moving at least until he could paint the trim in the room like he wanted.


8/7/03

Mary,

We had a good vacation. It was cool and foggy, which was a wonderful relief from the 100 plus temps at home. We even had some rain. We built fires in the fireplace and nodded and smiled when people said it was a shame we were not having better weather. We did have a couple of days that were sunny.

Getting home was an adventure though. We were supposed to leave on a 6:00am flight. We spent the night at the airport hotel so that we could just walk over. That went fine, though it was difficult for everyone to sleep with everyone else in the same room. When we got there in the morning it turned out that the flight was cancelled for unscheduled maintenance. We spent two hours in a line waiting for our new itinerary. It would have taken less than half that time if everyone else in line was willing to accept the itinerary they were given and did not spend 15 minutes going through every possible option. I do understand by the way…but after the first hour and a half I got less sympathetic. We were got our schedule at 9:00am and were back at 2:00 pm for our 4:00pm flight that left at 6:00pm. Of course by the time we got to our first layover we had missed our next flight, so we spent 90 minutes in another line to get a third itinerary and vouchers. Northwest put us up in a hotel…we got there at 10:00pm and ordered room service, which was a real treat for the kids. Actually I don’t think that Hubby has done that either. Anyway, we got back a day late and pooped.

This evening David is coming to paint the trim in the room; tomorrow he moves in.

David's Story Part 1: The Beginning
David's Story Part 8: Moving In

David's Story Part 6: The last pre-placement visit

7/14

Friday evening went fine with David. He did not say much, but everyone at PFLAG was warm and friendly to him. It is seductive, having so many people turn on the love.

Sunday he called at 6:40 am (ugg) to say that he could not make it to church after all. He was calling from a different number so I suspect that he spent the night with the friend whose birthday was being celebrated on Saturday. It was frustrating, but I got over it.

In answer to your question, David really likes Carl. Why wouldn't he? Carl is a foster care alum, gay, and cute. Carl as a potential older brother type is also pretty attractive. David and Brian did not interact much, probably because David was so much more interested in hanging around Carl.

7/17/03

So David and Brian have been getting along fine. When Brian asked David to play Uno he agreed, with a sort of adult indulgence. David is also fantastic at dealing with the more annoying aspects of Brian. Brian has been doing the little brother thing: annoying people for the joy of it. But when he wiggles his hands next to David making faces and funny noises, or “flies” a toy right up to David stomach and makes exploding noises David just glances at him like he is an alien and then goes back to whatever he was doing before.

I asked each of the boys how they felt about David moving in and got the same reaction from each, “Yeah, that’s fine.” David is a nice kid who does not inspire much passion, and that is probably a good thing, from my perspective. The only reason that he is difficult to place is that he is gay. Otherwise he is a pretty laid back kid who likes to hang with his friends. Of course he can be quite stubborn and I am certain that I will end up writing you more than one email when I am trying to deal with that. This past weekend he tells me that he had permission to go to his friend Michael’s. “Dora” (his current foster mom) was “supposed to” pick him up Sunday morning so that we could pick him up at her house for church. She did not though and then the stale mate began. “Dora” insisted that he find a ride home with one of his friends. He insisted that that was not possible as the last time one of them did the other boys at the house threw rocks at the car. So he was there until Monday evening when “Dora” finally called the police and reported him as a runaway. The police asked Michael’s mother to drive him home and she did immediately. I imagine she would have earlier if David asked. I suspect that there was a power struggle more than anything else. David had just decided that it was “Dora’s” job to get him and was not going to ask the people who would be willing to drive him.

David also thinks that it was absurd that she reported him as a runaway since she knew where he was and could have picked him up at any time. On the other hand, the legal definition of a runaway is just any minor who won’t come home. The law does not protect children who refuse to come home but keep their parents informed about where they are. It is an unusual form of runaway, but it is one of them.

Anyway, the social worker is checking into “Dora’s" version of the story. It may be that she gave him permission to go on the understanding that he would find his own way back. I suspect that things were going on in the house (she works full time and keeps 6 foster kids at a time) and could not leave. Asking David to find a ride home is not all that unreasonable and once the power struggle started… In any case, this appears to be David’s worst side…dig in and get stubborn. I can cope.

We told David that we would be happy to have him move in and he indicated that he would like to move in as soon as we get back from Maine. He will have to talk to Ruby about it, but I suspect he will be moving in the first week in August.

We leave for Maine on Tuesday. We are all very excited about it. We are going earlier this year so that we will have enough time when we come back to finish getting ready for school. I am going to take the current quilt-in-progress and do nothing but work on it and read Harry Potter to the kids.

I want to go now.

7/20/03

David is about to go Dora's and we are off to Maine very soon. The visit has gone really well, although he has been puppy-dogging me constantly, which gets on my nerves. I know that this will wear off over time, and it will be better when school starts. Perhaps he will even get a job when he gets back, which will be better still. Still, it is overwhelming. We went shopping yesterday to get Andrew and Brian new shirts. I felt like David and Brian were in a quiet competition to be closest to me. Hubby and Andrew seemed to want to figure out what David and Brian were so interested in. I felt like a mother duck. Every time I started walking they would string out behind me and when I stopped they would swarm me.

I find it odd as I read these. Was I really as emotionally cautious as I sound? Or was I trying to demonstrate to Mary that I was being smart and careful? I know she kept asking me if I was certain I wanted to take another kid after everything we had been through with Ann. What did Andrew think? How did he get alone with Brian? Was I sure?

David's Story Part 1: The Beginning
David's Story Part 7: Decisions and Details

"I'm not going to school today"

Okay...the condition for living with me is:

"Work out an educational plan with your social worker and follow it."

I have also said, "As long as you are getting up in the morning, going to school, and work, I am not going to worry about whether you are using."

and

"I will not excuse you from school unless you have a fever."

So he got up this morning and announced that he was not going to school. He was going to stay home and do the work for his on-line class.

I told him that I would not excuse him from class and he said, "That's okay. I registered myself so I can excuse myself. Don't worry. Summer school only allows to absences, even if they are excused. I won't keep doing this. So is it okay?"

Huh? Umm...what does he mean "Is it okay?" I think I said something like, "Would you go to school if I said it wasn't okay?" He rolled his eyes and went into his room.

So...let's see. I am not calling the school. (There was a day when I would have been on the phone "fixing" the situation, telling the attendance office that he could NOT exucse himself and today is an definitely a CUT.) I did not get emotionally worked up (also a major advance for me). Okay ... hurrah for me on the serenity scale.

Next....has he crossed any boundaries? Well, he is staying home in order to work on school work (and he is) so I guess he is working on his educational plan. If he were telling me that he just didn't feel up to going to school and spent the day sleeping, that would be different.

I'm not going to protect him from any consequences of cutting school, although there may or may not be any conseqences.

I think my low key response is the right one. It just feels so odd.

David's Story Part 5: Still Visiting

7/11/03

Mary,

So Hubby brought home Carl and David. I had been working on a list of house rules and I asked Carl to look it over to see if it was accurate and complete. He said it was and since David was there I went ahead and let him read it. He did not seem to think that anything was excessive. When Ruby showed up for lunch we went through the rules again quickly with Andrew there so he could comment. Ruby asked Carl and Andrew to comment on the extent to which rules were negotiable, and I think our family looked pretty impressive in the end. The younger boys left, and Hubby had a meeting so it was just Ruby and David and I. Ruby and I went over the agency driving policy and explained to him that as a ward of the state it was very unlikely that he would be able to drive before he was 18. In order to even get a permit before you are 18 your legal guardian must sign. But if the state is your legal guardian it is difficult. A couple of state kids have gotten permission but apparently it requires being exceptionally responsible and having a real need. Since we live a couple blocks from a bus stop and within walking distance of many employment possibilities (i.e. fast food) the need will be very difficult to show.

Anyway, David had been telling everyone how much he wanted to drive and I was watching to see how he took crushing disappointment. He took it well. He did not argue but he did say that this was important for him and he was going to keep pushing for it. So we pointed him in the direction of his state worker. I suggested that David and Carl take a walk so that David could ask questions about us if he wanted. I have not talked with Carl yet about whether there is anything there he wants to share. Ruby said that she wanted to talk about how everyone was feeling about the possibilities and I told her that I thought we were all pretty positive on our side but that David and Brian had almost no time together so one part of the puzzle had not even been addressed.

So dinner was supposed to be with all 5 kids (Andrew, Brian, Carl, David, and Ann) but Polly (a friend of mine) and Josh (her son and one of Andrew’s best friends) showed up and we asked them to stay too. So we were a crowd.

David was calm and friendly. Everyone seems to like him. Tonight we are taking him to a PFLAG meeting and Sunday to church. So everything is looking fine, but we are all trying not to get excited or too invested. When I got in the car to take him and David home Carl asked if we could go to his place first. I asked David if that was okay and he said, “Sure. I have no intention of going back there…I mean. I meant to say that I don’t need to get right back.” I think he is in the same place we are. Everything looks good, but holding back.

It was interesting that we were doing a respite with Ann at the same time that David was spending time with us. It certainly added weight to Carl's claim that once you get into our family you don't get out. Even after everything we went through with her, she was still there, still part of the family.

It gave me a lot of perspective. It helped me take things with David more slowly. It also made me feel stronger and more capable. We had gone through a lot of pain with this young woman, but we had also healed. She was still part of our lives.

By the way, when she left I asked Andrew how it was with her. He said it was the same as it had been, but easier to take since he new she was leaving soon. When I asked Brian he said, "She was okay, except that she kept giving me the finger and saying, 'suck on this!'"

David's Story Part 1: The Beginning
David's Story Part 6: The last pre-placement visit

David's Story Part 4: More Visits

7/9/03

Mary,

David spent a chunk of the day with us today. I picked him up in the morning and showed him around Our Small Town. We came back and after a bit Hubby took him to the High School. Most of it is closed for the summer, but they were able to get in the front doors and look around just a bit. It is a fairly new building, so it is nice. We hung out, tried to come up with things to talk about. Hubby and I made a point of getting out our school work and working for about an hour. After all, the point of this visit was to begin to get an idea of what life is like here.

Tomorrow we will get him again along with Carl. Ruby will be coming over for lunch and to talk about our house rules and expectations. He is starting to get some of that information anyway. What he really wanted to know was what our rules for driving are. He is sixteen and he has already driven cars on back roads, though he has not had a permit or a license. Carl will be here in part to give David the skinny on us, but also to get his laundry done. (He will do the laundry himself, but we will kindly allow him to use the machines.) Hubby gave me a look, but I think he forgets that we did laundry at his parents’ for about two years.

The guest room (the room that will be David’s if he moves in) is painted yellow (not too bright, but definitely yellow), with pale green trim (Carl says it is sea foam green). The quilt is a tumbling block quilt made in greens. The curtains are dark green. The room looks quite good…but not if you dislike green, which it turns out David does. I have a gallon of white paint that is three years old (I wonder if it is still good?) and a blue and white quilt I can put on the bed. Painting the trim would not be that big of a deal. So I am thinking of telling David that if he wants to repaint he can, and I will help some. I could just do it, but I don’t know if I would have the time. If someone else moved the furniture it would not take me that long to paint.

I just hate to put a kid in a room that they hate to look of. At the very least I will let him have the other quilt…that will cut down on the amount of green considerably.

Anyway, it is looking pretty positive for David moving in, but nothing is final until it is final.

7/10/03

Mary,

I guess I was not quite clear. David has not complained about the color of the room. Andrew and Brian initially asked what colors he liked and disliked. Not knowing the room he said that he liked blue and white best, hated red, and did not much like green. After he saw the room I asked him what he thought and he looked awkward and just said, "There is a lot of green." Ruby said that they would pay for the paint if he decides he dislikes it enough to repaint it, but all this concern is coming from the adults. If he does not dislike it enough to do the work he will live with it as is. I can replace the green curtains with the white heavy muslin ones I took down and the agency will be willing to buy him a comforter to replace the very green quilt. That might be enough. The agency has a budget for when kids move in. They bought Carl bed linens and all sorts of room stuff: clock, lamps, trash cans, and hamper.

We probably could ask for a visit of a couple of weeks; so could he. It might be a good idea, though I know everyone wants to get him settled before school starts. He moved in the middle of last year (sophomore year) and in seventh grade he went to 4 different schools (I think that was the last year he lived with his mother).

So we will see how it all goes. Tonight at dinner I will have all the kids: Andrew and Brian, Carl, Ann and David. Should be interesting.

David's Story Part 1: The Beginning
David's Story Part 5: Still Visiting

"I wasn't flirting!"

Raising gay kids is just like raising straight kids, except when it is a little bit different.

The following is a conversation between me and Evan the other day, greatly simplified.

"The people at work say I am a flirt. They say I flirt all the time, but I don't thinks so. Do you see that? Do you think I flirt a lot?"

"With boys? I wouldn't say flirting exactly but..."

"No. I mean with girls. They say I flirt with the girls. Do you think I do?"

"You know, I don't see you with girls a lot."

"It's just like...see...there was a woman who came in for a sandwich and I was making it for her. She had this really nice perfume on and I told her that it was smelled good. And her dress was really cool so I told her that too. All we did was talk while I made her sandwich. I don't think I was flirting but everyone was like 'oooo, I can't believe you did that!.' All I did was talk to a customer!"

"Okay. Let's think about this. Let's say you meet this really cute guy at Pride. He shows up at the sandwich shop and he smells really good. What do you do? Do you ask him what his cologne is and then talk about how cool his clothes are?"

Evan's eyes get WIDE, "Gawd no! I would never have the cohonas to do that!" He is actually blushing. "But that is not what I did with her! I wasn't flirting! She knew that."

"But it looked like you were to them. They were probably wondering how an 18-year-old got to be so smooth."


next on Evan

David's Story Part 3: Second Meeting

7/8/03
To Mary:

We were finally able to see David again. First they wanted him to have some time to think, then his current foster mother wanted to take him camping. All good and important activities; I just didn’t think it would take two weeks until we saw him again. Ann is here for a two week respite, so that makes things interesting too.
We just had a picnic lunch with David. It definitely had a date feel to it: awkward, struggling to find something to talk about. It was just him, Andrew, me and Hubby (Ann and Brian both have day classes this week). David definitely focused on me, which is not surprising. After lunch we went to do some boring errands. In the store Andrew and Hubby went to electronics and I went to look at fans...he came with me. When I was done and went back to electronics he immediately became interested in looking at the stereos, keeping some distance between him and Hubby.

Of course Carl and Ann were both like that. They are all more wary of men. Hubby of course is the gentlest man in the world, but it takes them a while to trust that.

David will come back on Wednesday and Thursday and we will take him along to PFLAG on Friday. I suppose that we should spend some time talking about house rules and stuff. We still do not have a picture of what he is like when he is angry or not cooperative. We probably just won't know until we experience it. (I’m so aware of how much our experience with Ann is affecting me now. You know I almost want to make him angry just so that I know what it looks like. Yep…this is helping me understand why the kids test me.)

David's Story Part 1: The Beginning
David's Story Part 4: More Visits

David's Story Part 2: First Meeting

6/22/03

To Mary:

We got to meet David on Friday. We took Carl, Andrew and Brian who spent most of the time in another room. Robin was there to facilitate. My impression of David was that he is a pretty together guy, and not particularly interested in having parents tell him what to do. He is sixteen and no sixteen year old thinks that he needs parents (except to give them money and transportation). David though raised his brothers and is especially confident in his own judgment and not confident in others. He admitted this about himself. He makes good eye contact, better than Carl, and by the end he was smiling at me while holding eye contact. I would not have consciously noticed this sort of thing before, but it is supposed to be an indication of an ability to form genuine trusting relationships.

At the beginning of the meeting Robin talked with David about his current dilemma. He values his friends and community the most and wants a family where they are…any family. Robin however thinks we are the best family for him, and we are 25 miles away from his friend and community. I told David that I understand that he was being asked to take a risk. He may agree with Robin that the right family is the most important, but if he has to leave his friends and community he needs to be certain that it is the right family. That was why it was important for all of us to take things slowly and be certain that this was a good match. I think he really understands that it is okay to say he doesn’t want to live with us.

I gave him background about us. I told him how we became Carl’s family and that we did not intend to do this again but eventually decided that if there was the right kid we would do it. I told him that we did not consider ourselves a foster family, we were a family.

The boys came in and introduced themselves. David told them just a bit about himself. They did not have much to say, but they all gave David a decent picture of who they are. Carl was, I think, helpful. Robin reminded him that he first thought that he would rather be in The City, but stayed in Our Small Town so that he could be with us. He said that that was the right decision and now that he lives in The City he finds that it is not all that much better. He told David that we were wonderful, and that once you get into our family you don’t get back out. He also warned him that Hubby’s mother would send his pictures all over the world. Though much of what Carl was saying was phrased as warnings, he was smiling and laughing as he said it.

Anyway, I think we gave him a good picture of us. When I told you before that we were intense I did mean from the perspective of the foster kids. Their first families were often not ones with real emotional intimacy and many foster families are also not built on real relationships. Carl certainly found us to be intense. He used to complain living with us was like being assimilated into a Borg collective. We just laughed and started calling him Five of Five. Robin told me once that our family is right where it should be given that we have young children. She told Carl that we would probably be different after Andrew and Brian had been teenagers. I suppose that is right. We still do just about everything as a family though.

I felt pretty good about David. He presents challenges, but they are challenges that we can handle. It is important now for David to think about whether he wants to go any further. So we should hear from Ruby next week. (Robin did this meeting because Ruby was out of town for the week). I am feeling pretty peaceful about it. If David decides that he cannot face the idea of living in Our Small Town then he will explore other families and that is fine. If he decides that he wants to explore living here then we will start spending more time together.

David's Story Part 1: The Beginning
David's Story Part 3: Second Meeting

"My Friend"

Christy asked if I could saying anything about the friend to whom I write all these emails. I need a name for her. You know what, her real name is so common I am just going to use it. It is Mary.

Mary and I met in high school. I was a stand-offish child. I generally felt like I was watching myself when I interacted with my peers, never quite fully engaged. It wasn't until I was in high school that I relaxed and learned to have a little fun. Mary and I were friends.

She went to a large, liberal state univerisity and studied music. I went to a small Lutheran college in a state far away from home. We wrote each other long, long letters.

I got married immediately after graduation from college weeks before my 22 birthday. Mary got married a couple of years ago when we were about 40.

I had my first child when I was 26. Mary has no interest in children at all.

I have worked at one place for 14 years and will probably work there until I retire. Mary is a free-lance writer who only works for any one client as long as doing so fits her needs. I cannot imagine living without the security of my job; she cannot imagine living without the freedom of hers.

Mary and I wrote letters for a while after I got married, but we largely fell out of touch. Once we both had email though we got close again. After about 10 years of not talking to each other very often we started emailing almost every day.

Writing to Mary was helpful. Though I don't feel that I should publish her words here anymore than I absolutely have to to make sense of what I write to her, she is the one who will not hesitate to say, "Are you INSANE?"

She is also the one who reminded me when we were in high school I told her that I said that I might like one day to do foster care or adopting a lot of children but had dismissed it as an unlikely idea. I had completely forgot that.

David's Story Part 1: The Beginning

Yep... I decided to reconstruct this story too. I will not though be putting up information nearly as fast! I also won't put up everything. We had him for 18 months. I will give you the highlights, but I promise that won't mean just all the difficult moments. It was not all sunshine and roses, but it was a good placement and David is still an active part of our lives.

One thing worth noting: Carl is very much one of my sons. He is the only one of the three boys who calls me "Mom." I was lucky in that he wanted a mother. Evan is definitely my nephew. Both of those relationships are have a clarity that my relationship with David ever did. I wanted to be his mother; it would have been better if I had aimed for aunt instead.

6/16/03
To my friend

The family devloper came by on Friday for our re-licensing visit. She told us that there is a boy coming in that she would like us to meet. His name is David, he is fifteen, and (of course) he is gay. She says that the only thing she knows about his personality is that he is very direct, which is a relief. Hubby and I said that we wanted to start off with getting as much background information as possible. He is new, so they do not have a complete file on him. His social worker will be Ruby, but she is out of town this week, so Robin will set up a meeting with us and his state social worker. I had this one moment of panic as I was going to sleep on Friday. I had this flash of David coming in and acting just like Ann. Of course I don't think that is true. I know that they would not have suggested Ann live here. We asked for her because we had a relationship with her.

So the plan is that we will meet first with his social worker to get more information, then we will meet him. If everything goes well we will set up more visits. We will take this slowly. We are going on vacation from July 22 to August 5, so we told Robin that if it works out it would be best if he moved in when we got back. That is a long stretch though. He is currently living with a state foster family in a small farm in the country.

6/17/03 Morning
To my friend

I spoke with Robin last night and got more information about David. He has had no problems with aggression, drugs, alcohol, or the law. He also has had excessive absences from school, not done his work, and failed most of his sophomore year classes. He says that he likes kids, has no history of failing to get along with other kids in the home, and is described as upfront about what he thinks. He was nearly adopted until he came out, although no one knows for sure that that is why the adoptive family backed out. He was subjected to emotional abuse from his foster father (I am unclear on whether it was the foster family who were considering adoption) who thought that if David just applied himself he could get over it. He currently lives in a state home with many kids and little structure. Our family would be a significant change for him. We are a small family with a lot of structure and intense togetherness. I don't experience it that way, but the foster kids who stay here do.

Today we go to the agency office at 2:00 to read all the information they have. Robin wants for us to read the file today and to have a sit-down meeting with David on Thursday to discuss our expectations and his history.

6/17/03 evening
To my friend,

So we spent two hours at the agency's office. We learned that David came into care in 1999 with his two brothers. If I have it right, what happened was that in 2001 or 2002 David came out, and a adoption plan fell through. David’s foster father became abusive. David was moved to a different home while his charges were being investigated. David's charges were confirmed, the family lost their license, and the brothers were also moved, but not to the same place David was. They were all put up for adoption again, but David insisted that his brothers be separated from him since they would not get adopted if they were tied to a teenage, gay brother. They are now in a pre-adoptive placement in another state.

David has requested a home in The City. His thought was that if he could access the resources and community there it would not matter what his foster parents thought. Robin has suggested that he consider living with a family who will support him even if it does mean that he will have to live all the way out in Our Small Town. He has agreed to consider it.

Robin says that though he certainly does not have RAD, he has been through a lot and might not be ready for a family like ours. She wants us to be prepared for him to choose not to live with us.

David's Story Part 2: First Meeting

Re-imagining continued

So thanks to both Rossecorp and Lionmom for some contributions. The problem is so complicated that every idea any of us (including me!) come up with raise more questions.

After reading the comments that both Lionmom and Rossecorp posted on my last entry I am now pondering these questions:

1. How do we recruit enough good foster families?
2. What makes a good foster family?
3. What sort of training and support do families need to function well?

4. Which kids in the system should be placed in families?
5. How should we match kids and families?

6. Which kids need an alternative to foster families?
7. What would those alternatives look like?

Care for families

One major gaping whole in our current system is, I believe, a lack of care for families as families.

I think often of David's mom. She was 17 when she had her first child. She was uneducated, abused, abandoned, and probably had cognitive impairment. Her third and fourth children were born with FAS. I wonder what might have happened if after they took the father of her first two children away, after he went to prison for his attempt on her life, there had been any sort of system to take care of her while she parented her first two children.

What if there had been a place in the world where she could have lived with her two healthy pre-school kids? She was not competent to take care of herself and her kids. She was not a bad person. She did not mistreat her kids. Within her abilities she took the best care of them that she could.

There should have been some sort of assisted living facility for her where she could live with her kids. I know it might not have worked. She might have refused to go. She might have walked out.

But I think she would have gone at least for a while. If she had, she might not have ended up immediately involved with an addict who also abused her and her kids. She might not have ended up later alone with four boys, the youngest two of whom had FAS.

The bottom line is that she needed care herself. The services that were available to her once she was an adult and a parent were not services which she had the competencies to take advantage of.

So many of the kids in foster care had mothers who had their first children as teenagers. We need a way to do early intervention and long term support. We need a way to take care of these women as they care for their children.

Surely it would have cost less than it did to put all four of those boys in separate therapeutic foster homes.

Re-Imagining the System: An Invitation

Rossecorp and I have been having a conversation about the foster care system.

It started with my last post in the "Ann's Story" sequence and continues on in Thinking about the system.

Most recently Rossecorp writes:

Our society especially does not value poor families and children, and of course those are the families and children who are most often involved with CPS. In my state, at least, the system does have resources--not as much as we'd like to have, certainly, but a significant amount--but (in my opinion) those resources are used less than effectively much of the time. For example, our work has historically been to "put out fires" (ie, to respond to crises) rather than to do preventative work with families. By doing so, we end up spending lots of money on one crisis after another.

I could write much more about this, but a comment isn't the place for that. I have been leaning toward giving up on the idea of foster parenting (I mean, giving up on hoping that it can work for the majority of children in care), and wonder what your opinion is of that? The reason I think this is that the numbers of fp's are declining, and too few of the ones remaining are really skilled at the work. So I'm thinking that the focus of solutions for children should be elsewhere...but I don't know where...

So I propose we all play a game. If we could fix the system, what would we do? Assuming that we will continue to have families and children in crisis for all the same reasons and all the same ways we do now, what would be the ideal way to fix it?

Please leave a comment here or write about it in your own blog. If you do blog on re-imagining the system, let me know and I will create a link.

Let's all have one big bloggy conversation. My entry into the conversation will follow in a new post.

Anyone who wants to think about this should of course head straight over to Sunshine Girl who blogs on this topic all the time.

New Regular visitor

Remember the girl, T, who stayed with us a while back while her foster sister gave birth? Well, she's back.

It's all a little unclear. She was in summer school for a few days. Now she is not. She is currently enrolled in a day program at the group home for teenage girls. Her current foster mother starts work at 6:00am so T is being dropped off every morning at 5:30. She stumbles in, falls back to sleep on the sofa and then is picked up 3 hours later for the day program. I am instructed to call the social worker if (when?) she refuses to go. I am also warned that if this day program does not work out, I will be asked if she can spend days with us.

Joy and excitment.

T presents as a quiet, even lethargic young woman. She has a easy smile, wants to please, is willing to pitch in with cooking and cleaning, and got along with everyone when she was here before. She is a sweet girl.

She also has been expelled for stealing, recently had what was called a referred to as a toddler-like temper tantrum which involved calling the supervisor of social workers, her previous foster mother, and the agency director in the middle of the night.

I am fine with having her here in the morning. If I am asked to let her stay days I suppose I will give it a shot. However I am really not interested in running a day care for trouble teens.

I am almost surprised at my attitude. I think there was a time when I would have responded by really wanting to be a positive influence in her life. I would have wanted to build a relationship. I would have wanted to invest.

Maybe it is reviewing all the emails about Ann. Maybe it is the Al-Anon and codependency therapy. Whatever it is, I just feel absolutely no need to rescue this girl. I think I am grateful for that attitude.

visit with social worker

So we recently had a re-licensing visit at which we were asked if we had any concerns. I said that I missed the days when the social workers could just hang out with the kids one-on-one for no particular reason.

Today Evan's social worker called to ask if I minded if she picked Evan up after school and took him out for a soda or something.

Probably a coincidence, huh?

Update: the social worker denies knowing anything about my expression of concern. She does admit to discovering that she was overdue for a home visit. I have no reason to disbelieve her.

next on evan

Thinking about the system

"Rosecorp" writes:

Unfortunately, the only thing that sounds less than typical about your heartbreaking story is that you continued to want to be part of Ann's life even after everything that happened. Usually, as the child's behavior and the placement deteriorate, the fp's feelings about the child do, too, and the fp often ends up saying, "Get this kid out of here!" and never having any (positive) contact again.

Also not typical is the level of contact you had with the social workers--but then again, this is [your private agency] we're talking about. As a state sw, I would never be able to give that kind of time to one fp--and I (thank god) don't work weekends.

The agency has changed recently. The social workers have higher case loads (18 instead of 12-15) and increased paper work requirements. They don't have as much time as they used to. They used to have time to show up at the school play, or soccer game. "Ruby" even took Ann shopping for clothes after I told her what a disaster it was when I tried to buy her pants. In fact, when Ruby was trying to get David to relax with her, she asked me what I thought would be a good activity. I told her to ask David to help her shop for clothes for her. She did and it was a wonderful success.

Now though they just don't do those things. The social worker still answers my emails, but the answers are more likely to be something like, "Thanks for all the information. I will get back to you as soon as I can" and not the long, thoughtful responses I once got. (Of course I am now an experienced foster parent with a relatively inexperienced social worker. In the beginning it was the other way around.)

They also now have an on-call system. Though I have the home and cell phone numbers of every social worker on my fridge (actually on a magnetic sheet they sent me), if I need help on the weekends the new system is to call the office and leave a message. Someone, not necessarily my kid's worker, calls back.

The state does this, but there is such a difference. Again it is largely a function of size. When Evan was detoxing and I was nervous, I was called back by a woman I knew and who knew Evan. When I was doing respite for a state kid who was a cutter and had left my house without permission I had to call a hotline and talk to someone who had never heard of her or me.

I started this post though, not intending to detail all this. What I wanted to say was this:

I think the two things that Rose notices are different in my case are connected. My response was not "Come take away this kid!" because I was confident that I had the support of the social workers. I never felt abandoned. I knew that I could ask for respite, and get it. When I told Ruby how much Andrew was stressed she pulled him aside and thanked him for every he does. She took him out for a milk shake, gave him her phone number (he still has it), and told him that he could call anytime he needed to talk.

After Ann moved out, Sally (her new worker) made me comfortable talking to her whenever I wanted. Though Ann is no longer in the permanency program, Sally will still take the time, if I ask, to track down where she is and give me a report. Over the past two years she has several times written a letter on my behalf requesting that I be allowed to send a letter or a small Christmas present to Ann.

I understand very clearly why the state system does not work this way, but it should.

Ann's Story Part 37: Stories left out

The emails leave out stories.

Difficult stories like when I tried to buy her clothes. I had agreed to buy her new jeans because all of hers were too small. She would only try on jeans of the same size, which I refused to buy. She already had 10 pair of jeans in that size, why would she need more? She started yelling at me in the store and I told her I was done shopping for the day and would wait for her in the car. She did not believe me at first, but after I left the dressing room she eventually caught up. She yelled in the store for me to slow down and wait for her. In the car she complained, "Gawd! I can't believe you did that. All I said was ... and then you just walked out and left! This is so stupid!" Pause. "Aren't you going to say anything?"
"I don't have anything to say. I think you summed up what happened accurately and I agree that it is stupid."
"I HATE it when you do that."
"I know."

Similarly there was the time that I reminded her to put on her seat belt and for no apparent reason crossed her arms and did not buckle up. I pulled off to the side of the road, turned off the engine, and waited. "Are you really just going to sit here? I can't believe it. We are just going to sit here on the side of the street because I won't wear my seatbelt?" I said nothing. "Gawd. This is so stupid!"
"I completely agree."
"I HATE it when you do that."
"I know."

But there were other days. Days when she worked on homework projects with Hubby and was pleased to be learning.

There were countless evenings when she helped cook dinner and told me about her day and laughed.

There were who knows how many evenings when she could not sleep and I would lie on her bed, on top of the covers, and she curled next to me like a toddler and fell asleep.

Most of the time she was just a 12-year-old girl who was stuggling to find a way to survive in the world. She was endearing, fragile, lovable, and afraid. She was also surrounded by a group of adults all of whom really did all want what was best for her. Those adults just did not agree on what that was.

Ann's Story Part 1: The beginning of the placement
Ann's Story Part 38: What really happened on 3/10

The "honeymoon"

I told our visitor the other day that she should not think that life in our house was always the way it seemed right now. Sometimes it is downright unpleasant. She asked how and I said, "Well. Sometimes I do get angry." She looked at me with a combination of disbelief and fear. I quickly reassured her that it did not happen often and that in our house we only used words when we were angry.

The conversation made me reflect on how careful I am to be "good" when the kids are new.

During the first week I find my carbon steel, wooden-handled knives my mother-in-law bought me in France in the dishwasher and I say, "Johnny? Thanks for loading the dishwasher. I really appreciate it. These knives though have to be handwashed." A month later I hear myself yelling to the house in general, "Who put my good knives in the dishwasher again! You all know better!"

I do all sorts of things differently without really realizing it. I spend fewer hours working. Though I don't spend a lot of time out with my friends, I spend even less with them during the honeymoon. I think about whether the new kid is bored and I offer to purchase art supplies or loan them my library card. I cook foods I think they will like.

I am the most patient, understanding, firm-but-gentle mother in the whole wide world.

All of that is part of who I am. It is not an act. It is not, however, all of who I am.

A month later I will wake up in a snit and snap at people for no good reason. I will go out with my friends leave the boys (husband included) to take care of themselves. I will yell just a little too loudly, "Do NOT take that sandwich into the living room without a plate!" I will sit with a pile of work to be done and I will impatiently tell a kid that I need them to give me the SHORT version of this story so I can get back to work. I will even do things that are worse than this.

There is less of a gap between my extra good behavior and that of the kids. Or at least it is a different sort of gap. I work harder at my job; I don't start cutting classes. I may go out with my friends again, but I don't stay out all night or get drunk. I get have bad moods and sometimes say things I shouldn't, but I don't rage or hide in my room for days.

Still, it is helpful for me to remember that it is not just the kids who honeymoon. We all do.

Pi's Gotcha Day! (updated with note)

***Update Note: I am tempted to retroactively change this post. When I wrote I used the word "gotcha" without really thinking about it. After writing the post I read a post by an adoptee expressing negative reactions to the word, and I agreed it wasn't a good word. I wouldn't use it now. After consideration, I decided not to re-write my old posts. The blog reflects my journey: the good, the bad, and the unenlightened. Also, "Pi" is what Carl was calling himself for a while.***

I must call Pi and tell him "Happy Gotcha Day!" It was six years ago today that he was officially placed in our home!

Pi is special to me. I am grateful for all my kids, but there is a special gratitude for Pi. All the kids have enriched my life and I am grateful to and for all of them. But as it is Pi's "Gotcha Day" I am thinking about the very particular way he is special.

I am a careful and deliberative person. My college and graduate school, career choice and actual job, this house, my other children, even my marriage were all the results of ideas that first were casually considered, then investigated, then deliberated and finally decided upon. Oh, it might have been otherwise and I can think about the ways in which my life could have been otherwise, but when I go back and re-think those decisions there was nothing accidental about any of them. It makes perfect sense that I did what I did.

They make sense it the way that the major plot points of a book make sense. They are the natural results of all the plot points that came before. Of course that is what was going to happen. It could not have been otherwise. You could go back in time and change a hundred things large and small, and it still would have happened the way it did.

And that is the case for everything except Pi.

He was just a kid in my Sunday school class. He was my sons' favorite babysitter. I liked him, but I was not deeply attached to him. He was nothing more or less than this neat kid I knew.

We might not have gone to church that Sunday. We often don't. Sunday school was over and we had no obligations, but we went. He came over to us and told us that he was being moved and that he wanted to say goodbye to everyone at church because he thought this was the last time he would be able to see any of us. He was not singling us out. We were important to him, but no more so than several other families.

I sat through the service and heard an inner voice say, "Take him."

I had never thought of being a foster parent. It was not something that I had investigated and deliberated. There was nothing about my life so far that made this the next logical step. I had two children, already twice the average for women in my profession, and certainly all the children I intended to have. I had always wanted to have a daughter and had a few times day-dreamed about adopting a girl, but I knew those were fantasies that I would never act upon.

My first response to the thought was to dismiss it like all other crazy ideas. Become his parent! Sure I could do it. I could also quit my job and become a missionary. I could decide to take sky diving lessons the next day. I could do many wild and impulsive things, but I don't. I am a cautious and deliberative person. I don't take in stray cats; I'm certainly not going to take in stray teenagers.

But the thought would not go away, "Take him."

I told Hubby after church. I expected him to be the voice of reason. I expect him to tell me that sure it was a nice idea, but it was impossible. Our own lives were complicated enough. Instead he said, "I keep thinking the same thing."

And we did. We just did it. We jumped off the cliff. We acted impulsively..and not on a little thing. We did not decide for no good reason to go out for ice cream. We decided for no particular reason to become parents to a 16-year-old boy.

Most of my life is a journey that makes sense. Most of the people in my life make sense too. Of course they are here: my journey and theirs were headed in the same way. That our paths joined seems obvious and even necessary.

But Pi did not make sense. If all my children are precious gems, then all the others are gems that were handed to me. Pi though was one at the side of the path whom I might not have seen.

If I hadn't been paying attention, I would have missed him.

***
I called. We both cried.

2nd day of school **updated again**

So the second day of summer school is over.

Apparently the teachers are tyrants; the courses are both too easy and too demanding; and the other students are punks. His PE teacher was down-right rude when he took a break in the middle of class and informed her that he had a heart condition (he doesn't). The government teacher, however, was even worse. He wanted everyone to talk about religion! They had a discussion about the separation of church and state and the teacher did not back him up at all.

It is going to be a long 5 weeks.

****

And for our evening news:

Evan called in to work and he is not on the schedule for the next week at all. The manager is not there and so no one can tell him if he is fired, or if there is some other reason why he is not on.

Evan was supposed to call an agency to arrange transportation to his counseling session tomorrow. His social worker said that that it was all set up; all he needed to do was to schedule the trips. He called the transport person who said that his social worker had to authorize each trip.

So now he needs to go tomorrow and he does not have a ride. Of course he can email or call the social worker and she will take care of it while he is at school, but I don't know if he will. At dinner he asked me what he should do if he can't get a ride. I said that he would probably end up having to pay the missed appointment fee. He seemed to take that pretty well, but it is hard to be sure.


Next on Evan

Blog Roll

I'm working on the blog roll again. Yesterday I stumbled across a good number of foster care blogs and I am not certain that I will find them again. So if you like, please help me out.

Though I already have a couple of exceptions, and I am too attached to them to do anything about it, I am interested in maintaining a list of blogs in which people document the particular challenges of caring for kids who have loved and lost. Whether we are fostering them, adopting them, or are kinship providers, loving kids who have not known permanency, who have been abandoned, neglected, or abused, is a very particular journey.

If you know of blogs that should be included on this list, please let me know. If you are writing such a blog, please let me know...even if you have left me a comment before, do it again. Schools out and now I have time to deal with this.

At the moment I have divided the blogs up between "teens" and "tots" but I am not committed to that.

Survived the first day

We survived the first day of school...both of us.

When I dropped Evan off he really looked a little terrified. When he got home in the afternoon, he wanted to tell me about his debate with his government teacher on the correct definition of communism. He spent a bit more time out of his room and when he did go in he left the door open a crack.

I handled my day differently than I might have a while back. Today I accepted that I was going to be a little worried. I did not let it consume me, but I also just gave myself permission to feel worried or sad. I called people, took walks, worked on a personal project.

From the outside it looks like a pretty boring day. Evan went to school; I did some writing; the younger boys played with friends; the respite girl went to her nurses' aide training class and then to work.

But it was a triumph. Evan lived through a school day without drugs, something he has not done in years; and I took care of myself emotionally: neither trying to force myself to feel what I thought I should or allowing the negative emotions rule my day.

I think I can safely say we both had a good day.

Blog roll

I updated the blog roll. I added one new foster parent blog, Chasing Oscar All Day All Night!!. I have also added a new category "Other Team Members" where I have two blogs by social workers, Life Unscripted and Process, and two by previous foster children, Sunshine Girl On A Rainy Day and My Lost Decade.

I have been considering following in Granny's footsteps and introducing visitors, but that will have to wait for a while.

Respite visitor

We are doing a respite, as I believe I mentioned.

She is a very sweet girl, anxious to please. I had to chase her out of the kitchen last night when she started doing the dishes. It was Andrew and Evan's job and she had done quite enough.

She likes to play cards and we played Quiddler together (is a Rummy game where the cards have letters and you spell words). I considered letting her win, but I am not good at that. I hope that she will be willing to play some more games. I really do enjoy playing, but I have a hard time finding partners.

She came played video games and D&D with the boys yesterday. She came and told me that she never met such nice boys. When they were playing a video game in which everyone is trying to kill everyone else (yeah...I know), they kept warning her that they could see her and gave her a chance to escape. When she "shot" Andrew's character everyone cheered and Andrew congratulated her. When they went to play D&D they invited her to join.

She told me that most of the boys she has known have treated her very poorly. I imagine that's true. She is enjoying life here for a while, and that is good. I happen to know that the other foster girl in her house has daily tantrums and that is exhausting.

Speaking of dealing with daily tantrums, Dan is having hard time of it right now. Swing by if you have a chance and give him an encouraging word.

Off to school

I have stomach cramps. I'm nauseous, and just a little light headed.

Flu?

No. I just dropped Evan off at the high school.

Last night...I don't know if I want to put this in the blog or not. Yesterday he worked from 11:00am until 2:00, although he was scheduled to work until 7:00. He spent the whole day in his room. I coaxed him out for a while late in the evening, but that was it. When I coaxed him out...well...I'm not certain of anything, but I did not like the look of his pupils. They seemed to me to be too small for the dim light. I don't know anything for sure.

But he got up this morning and got ready without any coaxing at all. He said that going back to school was weirder than he thought it would be. When I asked how he said, "It's just...'whoa.' I know that doesn't explain it, but it does."

I am doing deep breathing exercises.

God grant me the serenity...

Last day before summer school

So, if you have been reading this blog you know that I have been worried about Evan going back to summer school. Even he has expressed some anxiety.

I told him that if he found it to be an unhealthy environment he should tell me so and he could finish high school on-line. He said he would tell me if he couldn't handle it. I tried to get him to understand that there is a difference between taking care of yourself and failing to handle something, but I don't think I got through to him. Still I have been doing my own recovery work and I wasn't feeling responsible for his journey. He knew what his options were and it was out of my hands.

He just told me before walking to work that he didn't need rides to school. He would just get up early and walk.

My (internal) response surprised me. Instead of thinking, "That's crazy. He will won't be able to make himself get up early enough to do that!" I thought, "Oh...he is giving himself an escape route. He won't have to admit he can't stay clean in the high school. He can just get kicked out for excessive tardies! Cool."

Now mind you, I don't think this is his PLAN, but it is an option. I do wish I could somehow transform him into the sort of responsible adult who could assess risks and make healthy decisions. Not too long ago I would have been upset at this decision. I would have wanted him to take one of the "mature" options. Now, I can do the loving detached thing where I accept that he is where he needs to be in his journey. Who knows what will happen? He may go to school and stay clean, or use, or quit, or get himself kicked out. It is his journey and I am here to support him, but I am not his Higher Power.

I will, though, be awake in the mornings so that I can give him a ride if he asks. I'm not that detached!

A silly meme

Roc Rebel Granny has this on her blog and I took the test just for fun. I was not planning on putting up the results, except this is too funny:

Which Princess Bride Character are You?
this quiz was made by mysti

Back from Pride

We just got back from Pride. Last night someone called to ask if we had the PFLAG banner for the parade. Umm...no...I think Ed has it. I called Ed. He says I reminds me that I was going to get it from the previous president and asks if I have time to go by her house. It is not a matter of time...she is in Greece.

So Hubby went and got a very long sheet of the paper they use to cover bulletin boards at school and while I printed giant purple letters to glue on. Did you know that you can make very large letters, like as big as a page? You just have to highlight the font and type in something like 700 instead of 10.

Anyway, the banner came out fine and about 10 PFLAG'ers showed up to march behind it, so all was well.

A spent much longer at the booth than I usually do. I got to see quite a few people, including one person I have not seen in years. It was pretty wonderful.

S, who is here on respite, had a good time. She kept glued to Andrew though. Evan picked up a packet baggie of...um...stuff from the HIV/AIDS prevention booth. Included with the pamphlet and and all the other things was a lollipop. Brian asked if he could have it. A minute later I heard Evan, Andrew and S saying to each other, "I'm not going to tell him what is for...you tell him." I asked him to show me the item in question and then I told him what it was for. It was a very educational day for Brian.

I had a short conversation with David. He is living with a friend and the friend's mother. He claims to be paying rent, except not this month because he is saving for a car. He also tells me that he is still working and enjoys his job. That was all very good to hear.

We stopped at the grocery store on our way back into town. I bought hoagie rolls and sandwich stuff. Dinner is what Evan tells me his mother used to call YoYo night. (You're on your own).

Re-licensing visit complete

We done this meeting every year for six years and I answered most of the questions as soon as we sat down. "The presciption meds are all locked up. We do not have any fire arms. We put new batteries in all the smoke and carbon monoxide detecters this morning. We have three fire extinguishers: one in the hall outside Evan's door; one in the kitchen; and one in the room where the furnace is. We have made no revisions on the house and nobody new has moved in with us." He chuckled, "Any hazardous chemicals?" I even had made a list of all or training hours. We are supposed to have 12 each. I have 47 hours and Hubby has 20. (PFLAG counts for both of us and Al-Anon and counseling sessions count for me. We both went to an all-day diversity workshop they provided in the fall).

We signed the grievance policy, discipline policy, and partnership agreement, as we do every year.

We signed up for the new class in behavior de-escalation techniques that replaces the restraint training we had before (no form of restraint is now approved). It also turns out that we have missed the "Child Safe" class somehow and will have to take that the next time it is offered.

We will be sent information on available first aid and CPR classes. We will both do first aid classes and Hubby will definitely take CPR. I had the conversation I have every time there is a new Family Developer (almost every year) about CPR. "Did the last Family Devloper leave any kind of note in the file about me and CPR?" "No." "Okay. See, I pulled a kid out of a pool once. He was the son of one of my best friends. He was purple when I got to him and I gave him mouth-to-mouth. He survived with brain damage. I tried to take the class when we were first licensed and it was very difficult. I did not expect to, but I kept breaking down and crying. I don't want to do that in a group of people again. If you want for me to take CPR refresher class, I would like to know how to arrange a private lesson." "What did they do the last time?" "I've been excused from the requirement every year." "I'll talk to my supervisor. We will probably excuse you again."

We have to go to the DMV to get copies of our driving record which we were supposed to have done six years ago but didn't (I honestly have no memory of being asked). Some things have now become yearly: a note from the doctor saying we are fit to be foster parents; copies of our insurance policies; and TB tests. I am not a happy camper. I had the insurance policies ready, and I did my TB test a few months ago. Hubby did his too, but forgot to mail in his results and so may have to go do it all over again.

We assured him that we were doing fine; our social worker responds to us in a timely manner; and we do not perceive any areas in which we need more training.

I gave my yearly complaints: the increased work load on the social workers is a problem; there is still no training or support for the biokids.

Well... I am off the the DMV. If I don't get these things done quickly I will forget about them.

Re-licensing

Today is our relicensing visit. I called the social worker who does that to ask if we should get any documents together. It turns out that much of what we used to do every three years is now done yearly. So I need:

-to replace the batteries in all the smoke (4) and carbon monoxide detectors (1.
-photocopy our driver's license, home and car insurance policies
-see if I can find Hubby's TB test report form that he forgot to mail in (that fortunatly does not have to be done every year)

After this meeting I will have to get copies of our driving record and we will both have to get our doctor to sign a letter saying that we are healthy enough to do this.

Social worker guy will walk through the house counting the fire extinguishers and checking the alarms while at the same making sure we have not let other people move in or done work on the house without telling them.

I don't mind the visit at all. I do dislike the documentation end of it.

Evan's anxiety

I had a couple of very strange conversations with Evan tonight.

He complained about the relapse prevention group. He does not like the group leader whom I will call Mike. "Mike" tells him that it is not okay to be okay, and that Evan is "on the edge, man, on the edge." From what I can tell Mike is concerned that Evan is claiming not to have any problems, any emotional upset at all. Mike thinks this means that Evan is not dealing with his emotions and is in danger of relapse. In Evan mind it means that he is not having and problems and Mike should get off his back.

Of course Evan is having emotional upset.

On the way back and for a while back home Evan and I had a very confusing conversation. He kept offering to take a drug test and asking what he needed to do to make me trust him. I kept telling him that my anxiety issues about the future were mine and that he could not take them away.

For a while I thought he was trying to get out of going to group. It turned out though that it is all about the possibility that he will be asked to move out while we are on vacation. How will he get to work? How will he get to school? What does he have to do to convince people that he is trustworthy?

I have sympathies with the kid, I really do. I asked him to try not to worry about it for a while. Let's just see how he handles school first before any decisions are made. I also told him that if the agency does make him move it will be their responsibility to get him to work and school.

Like Granny said in comment in another post, right now we are just waiting.

Respite surprise

I came home to a message on my maching, "Beth, this is Mandy. Sorry I did not call you earlier in the week, but I've been really busy. I'll bring S. over tomorrow sometime. Give me a call so I know when is good for you."

OMG!!! That's right. I said I would do respite for her in June. I called her back. S. is coming tomorrow and will be staying until the 18th. Saturday is the Pride Parade, to which Mandy said S will be happy to go.

I had completely forgotten.

Mandy assures me that S. is a wonderful young woman whom I will enjoy very much. I don't doubt it. Kids are always wonderful on respite. No matter what has been going on at home, when they get to the respite place they turn into angels.

Taking Evan's Inventory, and other bad things

If you have any knowledge about 12-Step programs you will know that what I am doing here is very, very naughty. But I keep running through this all in my head and sometimes posting it helps me stop thinking about things. So here goes.

Taking Evan’s Inventory:
1. Visits with counselor. Of all the things that Evan is doing this is the one that he complains about the least. Some days I think he actual finds it helpful. He may actually like his counselor.
2. Relapse Prevention Group: He has gone to his third session. He dislikes the group; he dislikes the leader; he is not learning anything.
3. 12-Step meetings: He is not going. He has not been to one in about 2 weeks. He and the counselor agreed that he would go to 24 meetings in the next 90 days. That of course means to him that he has WEEKS before he has to actually go to any.
4. In my opinion he is clean, but not in recovery.
5. Work: he goes on all the days he thinks he should. At least once a week he has been scheduled on a day he previously explained that he could not work. From what I can tell he simply does not go on those days, even when he could. He seems to think that showing up would mean he was letting himself be pushed around. On a couple of occasions other employees have told him that they thought he was fired, but he is not (yet). He is very frustrated that a young woman whom he dislikes has been made assistant manager. She has not worked there much longer than he, but has been willing to work any hours.
6. Health: not only has he discontinued his anti-anxiety meds but he has also stopped taking his blood pressure meds. He has not made an appointment with the psychiatrist as he has been asked.
7. Social isolation: he continues to spend most of his off-work time in his room. Of course he is on the internet or his cell phone, but it still can’t be healthy for him not to have flesh and blood friends that he hangs with.
8. School: he does appear to be putting some effort into his on-line class.
9. General: He would tell you that he is doing well, working hard. He would in fact claim that he has done EVERYthing that has been asked of him.

Future Tripping:
1. Next week summer school starts. When he first told us about the addiction he claimed that he only needed it to deal with school. Though this was clearly false as he needed to take it around the clock to avoid detox symptoms, it may be the case that school was (one of) the only times he needed for reasons other than preventing detox symptoms. When I expressed concern about some stress he was under a few weeks ago he said, “Big things like that I can handle, it is school I can’t handle.” Conclusion: Even Evan is not confident that he can stay clean while going to school.
2. We are going on a two week vacation in about a month. The plan we made back in the fall was that Evan would stay here and take care of the yard and the animals. I am making alternative plans for the animals and yard, but I don’t know what to do about Evan. The idea of letting him stay in the house alone sometimes seems idiotic and terrifying. Other times I don’t know why it bothers me. Let’s see, what’s the worse that could happen? (a) He could start using and spend most of the time we were gone sleeping. (b) He could start using, over-dose and die. The yard/animal sitter would eventual smell the stench from his room and call someone. (c) He could start using, run through all his money (he actually has quite a bit now), pawn our pitiful excuse for a stereo and the kids’ gaming systems, claim that we had been robbed…and… (d) He could start using, and his new dealer friend could set up shop in our house, cook meth in the kitchen and blow the house up. (Anyone else laughing yet?)

What I have done:
Anxious about whether it is a good idea to allow Evan to stay here alone I have talked to the rehab counselor and Hubby. Neither of them is particularly worried about it. I called the social worker and asked her what she thinks. She spoke to her supervisor whose initial reaction was that it was really not smart to let him stay here alone.

Guilt:
When I talked to the social worker I told her that I was anxious about letting him stay. I know now, and knew then, that if I tell the social worker that I am anxious about something the she will take steps to prevent that thing from happening. It will not matter to her whether my anxiety is based upon anything real.

That is probably not quite true; there are certainly things about which they try to help me be less anxious. In general though when I say, “I don’t feel comfortable with this,” this does not happen.

Current situation:
Hubby and I talked about it. Evan has 5 weeks of summer school and we will be here for 4 of them. If he makes it through the first four clean there seems to be little objective reason for worrying about him staying here while we are gone. If he doesn’t stay clean then…well…that would be an issue that needs to be dealt with even if we were here.
I wrote a letter to the social worker asking if we could put off making any firm decisions for a couple of weeks. She is off at a training and so has not responded. It might not make any difference though. If they have decided it is unwise then that’s it.

So I know I told the social worker we should not worry about this problem right now…but I don’t seem to be able to follow my own advice.

And now he is gone

Having Pi here was nice.

I gave him a copy of The Life of Pi to read on the bus. I wanted to give him a copy of Facing Codependence or Codependent No More. I didn’t though. I guess I have recovered sufficiently to let him walk his own journey.

Pi’s mother was sick most if his life. She died when he was 14. He created illusions for her constantly. She needed to hear that his life was good; so he told her that his life was good. He was dedicated to making her happy. He took care of her; he was needed.

He has a desperate need to please and needs reassurance on a regular basis. He was cleaning the kitchen (without being asked) and put some glass items into the dishwasher in a way that did not look safe. I took them out and said (without emotion or judgment), “I don’t put glass things in there like that. They could break.” He got anxious and told me that he was sorry; they don’t have a dishwasher at the sanctuary; he does not know all the finer points of loading one and was just trying to get as much in as possible. He was not angry and defensive, he was anxious and needy.

I had forgotten that about him. I had forgotten how needy he is; how very much he wants to be loved and appreciated.

It is exhausting.

It is difficult for me because that is one of my character defects. I am much better now, but it is still there. The nervous, please-like-me, part of me still exists. I tend to despise that part of me. That response is of course self-defeating as it only makes me feel worse and in greater need of reassurance, which makes me more disgusted … you get the picture. It is a relief now that I can see the pattern and mostly move past it.

Moving past in it me does also make it easier for me to deal with it in Pi. I did not give him significant reassurance or get irritated. I just said, “It’s okay” and changed the subject. He was left with feelings of inadequacy, but now I think it is smarter to leave him with those. He has to make himself feel better and all that.

He was sad when he left. He has a major crush on a local boy. He considered not going back at all. Now he is thinking about leaving the land and coming back to the area.

I find myself wondering what I think about it and then reminding myself that I really don’t get a vote on this one. He has a history of falling hard for boys, fancying himself deeply in love and then ending up broken-hearted.

But whatever happens, he is now back on the sanctuary. It was good to have him home.

Bart and Clara

When I was five my family moved into a new house on the hill behind town. It was not a move to the classy part of town. I am not certain that this town had a classy part, at least not then. It was a move out of town, to a country road with a large yard where my mother could garden and I could have a pony. I think it was supposed to be a new start for my parents.

They still divorced when I was seven, and the pony was mean and threw me more than once. But my mother had her garden, and eventually my sister got a small fat horse. On warm days I would take a book out to the pasture and climb on the horse. I crossed my feet over the back of her neck, lay on her back and propped the book just above the tail. It was a great place to relax. A warm, soft place that moved in and out of the shade at very satisfactory intervals.

I don't know just when, but at some point, before the divorce, a couple just showed up on our doorstep. The Vietnam war was on, not that I was noticing, and the college was busting at the seams. The dorms were full and there were no apartments to be had. Students were living out of VW busses. Bart and Clara had been driving around trying to find a place to live and they noticed the little house at the back of our pasture. Could they rent it? My family explained that there was a only cold running water: no toilet, no shower, no electricity. Bart and Clara explained that there was nowhere to live, and they did not mind the lack of modern conveniences.

They ran an extension cord from the pump house next door to run a hot plate, and moved in. My parents felt they could not charge rent, so Bart mowed our lawn and they both babysat me and my sister on a regular basis. For my birthday Clara taught me how to crochet.

I loved their house. It smelled of incense and was full of candles, and on cold foggy days nothing was better than sitting near the wood burning stove (was that there before they came?) and looking at all the little trinkets and things on their tables. Sometimes I brought yarn down and crocheted doll dresses and scarves. I don't think I was aware at the time that I loved them in part because they were safe and kind and gentle during a time when my parents' marriage was falling apart and my father's alcoholism made him unpredictable, unsafe, and mean. I just knew that their house was the most wonderful place in the world.

One day they told me they were leaving. They were moving to Canada. They told me there was a war on and the government said that Bart had to go, but he wouldn't. Bart and Clara thought that the war was wrong and he would not go. That was the day that the war became a real thing for me. It was a tragedy because it was making Bart and Clara move away.

This is probably the only picture I will ever post with me in it. I'm the one hiding in Bart's big quilt/cloak. The other girl is my little sister. We are in our living room.



I have been thinking about them because I have been noticing that other members of the family are having a different reaction to the latest version of Pi. He tells us, somewhat jokingly, that he knows he is more of a hippie every time he shows up. Hubby and Andrew wonder how much stranger he is going to get. Pi does not look like Bart at all. But there is a very similar sensibility. They both wear recycled and home made clothes, although Pi prefers clothes that show off his tush. Pi is much more religious. But there is something at the core that is exactly the same.

The other members of the family look at Pi and wonder how much odder he will get. I see him and feel a warm safe feeling from my childhood.

By the way, Bart and Clara are their real names. If any of you know them, they would of course be in their fifties by now, please send them a note about this blog. I don't have expectations...but wouldn't it be lovely?

Happy Birthday Brian

It still feels like his birthday as I am surrounded by pre-pubescent (and pubescent) boys playing video games and eating candy.

But I found this:



You thought I was kidding, huh?

More Pi

So yesterday Pi and I were talking about the sanctuary and how good of a place it is for him.

He said, "I probably wouldn't have gone there if you had been willing to co-sign that lease when I asked you to. I almost want to say thank you for not helping me."

I do understand. It was one thing when he was homeless and we refused to rescue him. I mean, just a few months before that I had said, "I want you to know that I think the decisions you are making are going to result in your being unemployed, broke and homeless. You need to know that if that happens I will not rescue you."

But the second time...when he was living in the college town in California and could not get a lease because of his credit history (bad checks, defaulted cell phone contract, who knows what else) and we refused to sign a lease because we really could not afford to pay the rent if he defaulted, that still stings. He kept trying to explain that all he needed us to do was sign a piece of paper. We kept trying to explain that if he thought that was all it was, we really could not sign it.

The plan to go to the sanctuary was originally part of a plan to convince me to sign the lease. It did not work, of course. He went to the sanctuary because he could think of nothing else, and it worked out wonderfully.

But I do understand him feeling torn about the idea of thanking me.

I just love having him home. I'm sure if he were here longer he would eventually get on my nerves, but right now, I am thrilled.

I was so fortunate that I started doing care with him. Now I can be someone's auntie. I can accept that a kid like Evan needs a mentor and a friend, needs someone who won't push emotionally intimacy. When I started of course I wanted to be a mommy. Pi's mother had died. He had had time to mourn her. He was ready for a second mother. He was ready to have a father. We were able to pull him into our family and make him one of us.

He used to joke that he wanted to be part of a real family (as opposed to the foster homes he had been part of before) but we were a little too much. Other families were individuals who lived in the same house but we were just one person; we were the borg. I don't know how he thought we would respond to that. We laughed and started calling him "five of five."

Have I mentioned that I LOVE having him home?

Thinking about Pi

I wonder how many of the young men living at the sanctuary are serious about the whole neo-pagan thing. I imagine that for many of them it is just a safe place to live for a while. I know adult gay men who go camping there during the summer or attend an "event" every now and then, just for fun.

On the other hand, it is close to the pacific northwest coast. There are probably quite a lot of people who are sincere about it.

Carl certainly is. He was telling me today about on-going discussions among the group about whether women should ever be able to live on the land. Carl is in favor of it. He says that he thinks that the land is crying out for balance and harmony. At the moment he has the most horrible hair cut because he cut off the sides to throw it in the fire during a cleansing ritual. None of this surprises me. Carl was reading books on eastern religion while he was still living here.

The sanctuary is a perfect place for him for a couple of reasons. One of course is that he loves being immersed in this spiritual life.

The second has to do with being young and not college-bound. Privileged kids get to go to college and live in dorms. They may be going into debt to be there, but at the same time they don't have to deal with all the adult stuff. They don't have to budget money carefully so they can pay the bills every month. They don't have to get meals cooked on time. They are removed from parental supervision, but yet not really needing to be adults themselves.

College does many things, and one of them is to function as a half-way house between childhood and adulthood. The sanctuary is doing that for Carl. He is officially a caretaker. That means that in return for taking on responsibilities he gets free room and board. If he does not have a job, he does not have cash, but he is always warm and dry and fed.

Many of the young men who live there stay for a year or so. Carl is settling in though. I can easily see him staying there for much longer.

You may have figured out that I really like that he is there.

I have also come to a decision. Thought I don't bother to type the quotation marks all the time, the names I use on this blog are all fictitious. You probably already noticed that they names go in alphabetical order. It does help me keep track of which name I am using for which kid. On the sanctuary though everyone picks out a name. Carl recently changed his. He is now going by "Pi." This is, by the way, the number not the main character in The Life of Pi (although I am absolutely going to buy him that book). I have decided that to start using that name here on the blog.

It fits him much better than "Carl" does anyway.

Update on the visit

Well Carl has been here for a day. He is painfully thin, but I have been trying to fatten him up. He has been cooperating and eating. All in all a very satisfactory mothering experience.

He has been living for a year and eight months at the sanctuary. It is a peaceful place. 80 acres of land in the hills. They have a large garden and poultry. They do have electricity. They have a real kitchen and shower with hot water. They even have a stereo, and a TV with a DVD player. Mostly though they have books, and new age pagan festivals, and Native American tribes who rent the land for celebratiosn.

They do not, however, have video games.

Andrew, Evan and Brian have been dragging Carl off to the basement to slay monsters, or some such thing. Carl tells me privately that he sort of enjoys it, but it is also quite draining. Still, everyone is getting along, which is cool.