Evan, complaining about his back hurting grinned and asked me if I had any codeine.
I told him that I did but that we had thrown it all away after he revealed his addiction.
"No you didn't."
"Yeah. I did. I was there. We got the bottles out of the lock box and we flushed the pills."
"None of it was codeine."
"You mean you took it and replaced the pills?"
"I'm not stupid!"
So here's a quick update on the life of Evan.
He went to school every day all week. He complained a little about the instructor, but not much. He has to take two classes in order to finish high school. In alternative high school he must spend a minimum of 90 hours (18 days) on each class, although he may spend longer if he needs. All work is done on-site. So five days down, 31 days to go.
There is reason to believe he used on Monday, but no evidence that he used after that. I did not, and have no plans to search his room, or require drug tests. Though I do think that as a parent and a home owner I have the right to search if I need to, and I will continue to go into his room to get things that belong to me. However, I don't think that either searching or drug testing would be helpful for either of us.
He turned in an application to the fast food place, but only to the one. Though they were advertising they are hiring they are not moving very quickly. He calls daily and is told the manager is still working her way throught he applications. The only reason this matters much is that a requirement for funding for college is demonstrating that he can work at least 10 hours a week while going to school. So far he has either worked or been in school.
He has applied to the technical program. He took the placement test and his math score is good enough to give him provisional admission. It is not high enough to allow him to take the required math course. He will either have to do some tutoring and re-take the test or he can choose to take the remedial math course. I don't know if he has applied for campus housing. Housing is completely full this fall, and I have no idea if he will be able to get in for the Spring.
Hubby and the boys are already back in school. I start this next week. This of course means that Evan will have the house to himself for most of the day. I will try not to think too much about the implications of that.
In general I would have to say that things are looking pretty good.
Of course that always makes me nervous.
I took Evan down to meet with the admissions counselor for the technical program.
His ACT scores in math and writing were not high enough, so he had to take the placement test. We got some lunch on the campus and he kept asking me if I thought he would do better. When he took the ACT he was using. Did I think that maybe the codeine affected his performance?
I laughed. I told him that that was like asking if eating less could be the reason that someone lost weight. I told him it was absolutely the case that his mind was sharper when he was clean.
But he kept asking. Was I sure? Was I sure that it was better? Because it does not FEEL that way. The codeine slows things down. He feels like he is more relaxed and he thinks more clearly.
I laughed and told him that I was really, really sure. Codeine only slowed him down. It may feel like he was doing better, but he was not.
Then he went to take the test. I hung with a friend and told her. She thought it was funny too. Does codeine make you smarter ... hmm ... let's think ...
Then it hit me. Why did he keep asking? Was he carrying? Was he trying to decide whether to use before taking the test?
It wasn't funny anymore.
Evan and I have a major disagreement.
Here's the deal. He takes things into his room. Like the other boys before him, telling him that he is not allowed to leave towels, dirty dishes, scissors, wrapping paper, thermometers, cold medicines, etc. in his room does not stop him from doing it. Unfortunately, saying things like, "Evan, we seem to be low on towels. Would you please look around in your room and bring out any in there?" Does not produce results either. He insists that he does not have anything in his room. If we ask if we can go in and look with him he is offended and angry and refuses. (Please remember that he is huge. He is willing to stand firmly in front of his door and argue with us until we go away.)
So Hubby and I have just given up on asking. If we are missing things and have reason to believe they are in his room, we go in and get them. I don't search his room. I don't go through his drawers or read his papers. I just look on the surfaces.
We have not talked to Evan about this for a very long time. The conversations about them have not gone well. He simply insists that we must not go in. We have told him that we will if we think we need to. He insists... In the end we just don't argue (we will negotiate on many things, but we DON'T defend our authority as parents). So over the last few months he has either believed that we don't go in, or has failed to notice that dirty dishes, etc. just disappear periodically.
So that's the background.
Monday evening after taking him to the alternative high school for the first time, I went into his room to get the thermometer I thought was there. I did not see it, but I did notice a prescription bottle on the floor. I told myself not to pick it up, but I did.
It was old and empty. It was a prescription for codeine for me which he stole last winter. I quietly lost it (the proverbial it, not the bottle). Fortunately Monday night was also my Al-Anon meeting so I was able to have a good cry and get myself pulled back together.
There are a couple of different explanations for why the bottle was there. It is possible that he was going through his old book bag, or something, and found it and dropped it. Of course, given that he was jonesing (is that you spell that), it is also possible that he found his "just in case" stash and used.
Which do you think is more likely?
Yesterday our counselor insisted that I tell him about finding the bottle. I told her that my being in the room was going to be the real issue.
It was. He cried. He ranted. He protested that I did not understand. He needed to know that his room was his and that I would not violate his privacy.
I told him that I was happy to compromise. I would promise only to go into his room if he was there, of course he would have to promise that he would let me.
He cried. He insisted. He said that I did not understand. He said that I should just ask him to get things. I should trust him.
I pointed out that in this particular case, he had proven himself untrustworthy. I pointed out that I was NOT searching his room.
He cried. He protested. He said that he did not understand why I was not willing to compromise.
The counselor pointed out that I had offered a compromise.
He cried. He insisted that he needed to know that I would never go in his room, especially when he wasn't home and then not even tell him about it.
The counselor pointed out that I had offered a compromise.
He cried. He said we did not understand.
I offered another compromise. I would stand outside the room, with the door open, while he looked. I could then be certain that he had actually looked behind the bed. From there I can also see nearly all the surfaces and could point out things to him.
He cried. He said that we just did not understand why this was so important to him. He said he did not want to talk about it anymore. He said that either I should leave the counselors office or he would.
The counselor sighed and said, "She also wants to tell you that when she was in your room yesterday she found an old prescription bottle for codeine."
He shrugged and said nothing.
I had never intended to "confront" him about the bottle. It was old, and it was empty, and I had told him before that as long as he went to school and followed the rules, I was going to assume he was not using. I never said he would be in trouble if there were old, empty bottles in the house.
So I left him alone to talk to his rehab counselor. He came out having made some good decisions. Some may be a bit extreme, but in light of his likely usage on Monday, I told his social worker that I am not arguing.
So now all this recovery work is supposed to be kicking in, and I guess it is. I am not as upset as I would have been before. Still, I am sad. I can't quite stop thinking about it. I can't quite stop hoping that if he did use it was just a stumble and not the beginning of a slide.
Oh I know that no matter what happens I will be okay. I know that my happiness, well-being, serenity, whatever, does not depend upon him. I can handle whatever might happen without, as Evan would say, "freaking out."
But it makes me sad. I've been dealing with sadness and anxiety because he will be leaving in four months.
I don't want to loose him sooner.
And one more thing...his extreme and intense need for me NOT to go into his room has left me wanting to search it from top to bottom. What is in there that he so very much does not want me to see? I'm not though. At least if I stay in control of myself I am not.
There's a long version to this story, but here's the short version.
Evan saw his counselor today. He came out having decided:
1. Having a car would be "like having one of those dead birds around my neck...you know...that bird that starts with an 'A.'" (Albatross) He's just going to call the dealer with whom he only has a hand-shake deal anyway, and say that he might be interested in a car in a year or two, but not now.
2. Working 30 or 40 hours a week while going to the alternative high school 27 hours a week is probably too much. He really only needs to work 10-15. McDonald's is hiring and he thinks they would probably be willing to give him just that many hours. After all, it is really important to think about more than what a job pays. You also have to consider how much a job costs.
He wanted to know if I had thought about these things? I assured him I had.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
Evan worked at the grocery store today 7:00am-4:00pm. He got home about 4:20 and called the alternative high school to confirm that classes started tonight at 6:00. Nope, classes start at 4:00. He's late.
So he scrambled around. Took a shower, because when you are already late for school you might as well be a bit more late and smell good. I got my purse and sat quietly. He asked me if I would please, please, please put some cream cheese on a bagel for him. I said of course.
He pulled on his shoes and said, "If anything is my trigger, THIS is my trigger. Going back to school, exhausted from work, late. Gawd!"
I said, "hmmm." (GFM -- "good for me").
We got in the car and I drove him down. Dropped him off.
On the way home I thought, "I just dropped off a kid who talking about experiencing his 'trigger' at the alternative high school -- where all the kids who got kicked out of regular high school for drug problems go."
So now I am at home, pretending I am not worried.
At least tonight is my Al-Anon meeting.
If you have any knowledge about 12-Step programs you will know that what I am doing here is very, very naughty. But I keep running through this all in my head and sometimes posting it helps me stop thinking about things. So here goes.
Taking Evan’s Inventory:
1. Visits with counselor. Of all the things that Evan is doing this is the one that he complains about the least. Some days I think he actual finds it helpful. He may actually like his counselor.
2. Relapse Prevention Group: He has gone to his third session. He dislikes the group; he dislikes the leader; he is not learning anything.
3. 12-Step meetings: He is not going. He has not been to one in about 2 weeks. He and the counselor agreed that he would go to 24 meetings in the next 90 days. That of course means to him that he has WEEKS before he has to actually go to any.
4. In my opinion he is clean, but not in recovery.
5. Work: he goes on all the days he thinks he should. At least once a week he has been scheduled on a day he previously explained that he could not work. From what I can tell he simply does not go on those days, even when he could. He seems to think that showing up would mean he was letting himself be pushed around. On a couple of occasions other employees have told him that they thought he was fired, but he is not (yet). He is very frustrated that a young woman whom he dislikes has been made assistant manager. She has not worked there much longer than he, but has been willing to work any hours.
6. Health: not only has he discontinued his anti-anxiety meds but he has also stopped taking his blood pressure meds. He has not made an appointment with the psychiatrist as he has been asked.
7. Social isolation: he continues to spend most of his off-work time in his room. Of course he is on the internet or his cell phone, but it still can’t be healthy for him not to have flesh and blood friends that he hangs with.
8. School: he does appear to be putting some effort into his on-line class.
9. General: He would tell you that he is doing well, working hard. He would in fact claim that he has done EVERYthing that has been asked of him.
Future Tripping:
1. Next week summer school starts. When he first told us about the addiction he claimed that he only needed it to deal with school. Though this was clearly false as he needed to take it around the clock to avoid detox symptoms, it may be the case that school was (one of) the only times he needed for reasons other than preventing detox symptoms. When I expressed concern about some stress he was under a few weeks ago he said, “Big things like that I can handle, it is school I can’t handle.” Conclusion: Even Evan is not confident that he can stay clean while going to school.
2. We are going on a two week vacation in about a month. The plan we made back in the fall was that Evan would stay here and take care of the yard and the animals. I am making alternative plans for the animals and yard, but I don’t know what to do about Evan. The idea of letting him stay in the house alone sometimes seems idiotic and terrifying. Other times I don’t know why it bothers me. Let’s see, what’s the worse that could happen? (a) He could start using and spend most of the time we were gone sleeping. (b) He could start using, over-dose and die. The yard/animal sitter would eventual smell the stench from his room and call someone. (c) He could start using, run through all his money (he actually has quite a bit now), pawn our pitiful excuse for a stereo and the kids’ gaming systems, claim that we had been robbed…and… (d) He could start using, and his new dealer friend could set up shop in our house, cook meth in the kitchen and blow the house up. (Anyone else laughing yet?)
What I have done:
Anxious about whether it is a good idea to allow Evan to stay here alone I have talked to the rehab counselor and Hubby. Neither of them is particularly worried about it. I called the social worker and asked her what she thinks. She spoke to her supervisor whose initial reaction was that it was really not smart to let him stay here alone.
Guilt:
When I talked to the social worker I told her that I was anxious about letting him stay. I know now, and knew then, that if I tell the social worker that I am anxious about something the she will take steps to prevent that thing from happening. It will not matter to her whether my anxiety is based upon anything real.
That is probably not quite true; there are certainly things about which they try to help me be less anxious. In general though when I say, “I don’t feel comfortable with this,” this does not happen.
Current situation:
Hubby and I talked about it. Evan has 5 weeks of summer school and we will be here for 4 of them. If he makes it through the first four clean there seems to be little objective reason for worrying about him staying here while we are gone. If he doesn’t stay clean then…well…that would be an issue that needs to be dealt with even if we were here.
I wrote a letter to the social worker asking if we could put off making any firm decisions for a couple of weeks. She is off at a training and so has not responded. It might not make any difference though. If they have decided it is unwise then that’s it.
So I know I told the social worker we should not worry about this problem right now…but I don’t seem to be able to follow my own advice.
So Evan keeps asking me how I think he is doing.
Unfortunately I keep telling him the truth. I think if I were not worried about the addiction I might have a more positive outlook, but I confess that I am mostly seeing the downsides.
So he is proud of himself.
-He has held a job now for 9 days.
-He went to extra 12-step meetings last week bringing him to 6 of the 11 he should have done by now.
-He is not quarrelling with the boys.
-He believes he is not isolating himself as much, because he works and makes a point of spending 15 minutes a day talking with me. "And I am in the living room all the time watching TV after you all go to bed."
-He registered for summer classes.
He is very proud of himself for all of this. From his perspective it is great strides of accomplishment. He wants and expects praise from me.
And I fail him. He asks me how he is doing and I jump at the opportunity to tell him that I am disappointed that he has not made an appointment with the psychiatrist like he promised and that he has stopped taking his blood pressure medication. I feel proud of myself for NOT mentioning that he could be working harder on catching up with his meeting commitment, or that I think it was wrong of him to call in sick because he had been socializing the night before, or that it makes me nervous that he complains so much about his co-workers.
Now I will be the first one to tell you that it is important to praise progress. I get that praising the smallest efforts is more effective than any other response. I know this.
It is hard to get myself into that place with Evan right now.
I have been working hard at not being co-dependent, but that has meant trying NOT to worry too much about everything that he is not doing.
I have forgotten that part of my job is to notice and reward all the little steps.
There is much that he is not doing, but there is much that he is. Measured against what he was doing before; he is making strides. He is working hard. He deserves a little praise.
Evan finally started the relapse prevention program. Theoretically he was supposed to go for at least 30 days after the in-patient treatment. In case you have lost track, it has been 33 days since he left in-patient.
So we are a little behind. (My sponsor, in full accordance with 12-Step program superstition tells me that Evan started his program exactly when he was supposed to.)
I think this program is going to be a good thing. It is a group therapy session with young men from 15 to 21. Evan has the distinction of being the only person who was not "caught" and is not in trouble with the law. He is the only was who is recovering from an addiction to prescription drugs. For some reason that I don't understand this also increases his status as the supreme outlaw of them all.
In any case, though he complains mightly about having to go to AA ("You know I just sit in the back and play games on my cell phone"), he was positive about the group. He said that the man who runs the group is "okay" and when I asked if he thought the group would be helpful to him he said, "maybe."
I'll translate for you: the guy who runs the group seems to be very good and he really likes the group.
I would like to take a moment and brag here about my own progress in the codependency thing. There are a bunch of things I am NOT feeling and thinking, except idly. I am not getting crazy excited that he has finally found a group that he seems to feel good about. I am not reacting to that excitement by panicking about whether it "sticks." I am not worrying and fretting about how when he talked about the group he seemed to be romanticizing his use. Obviously all these thoughts are occuring to me, but in a detached sort of way.
Instead I am happy for him. I hope he makes use of this resource. I know that he might not.
We will see.
That's what Evan has been telling me quite a bit lately. He is, of course, talking about recovering addicts and recovering codependents. I have responded in an adult-like fashion almost every time. I have said something like, "You think so, huh?" and then changed the subject.
The other evening, come back from an Al-Anon meeting he said it again. This time though it was in the context of telling me that one of my favorite people at the meeting was "really damaged goods." I started off with my strategy of deflection and non-engagement, though it was more difficult because he was attacking someone ELSE. I can take it when he teasingly insults me, but it is difficult for me not to come charging in to defend others.
Anyway, after telling me about how damaged my friend was he said it again, "You guys are way more damaged than we are."
I am sorry to say that I said, "Well, maybe you addicts think you are not messed up because you think that once your are clean or sober you've done everything you need to do. Maybe we are just more honest about our problems." The conversational tone was one of banter and teasing, but it did get a little tense. He said, "I knew you would throw that in my face eventually."
I did change the subject then.
There were so many things I did not say. I really did not point out that he is a "double winner." He grew up with parents and parental figures who were users. He was surrounded by addiction. If the people around the addict are more messed up than the addict, then he is a strong candidiate for being "more messed up."
It struck me then what might be going on. Evan does not want to deal with his issues relating to the abuse of the parents who were supposed to care for him. All of that is stuck behind a door. When he keeps saying "YOU guys..." he is not so much talking about me and the other Al-Anon members, he just trying to separate and protect himself from problems he is not ready to deal with.
And that is okay. I have come to accept that he will have to handle his problems at his own pace.
Next on Evan
The meeting with the rehab counselor went well.
She is directing Evan to make up all the meetings he failed to go to. She also said that she is calling the social worker and that they will monitor his compliance more carefully. They may ask me for feedback, but they will be responsible for responding to any non-compliance. So that is all good.
Evan and I had some discussions which I am pretty sure he still has not "heard."
The counselor realized she had not asked him to sign a release so that she could talk freely to me. Evan said that he did not want to sign it. We explained that she was not going to be revealing secrets, she just needed to be able to keep me reassured that he was "in recovery." He resisted and she told him that she thought that I was probably covered under the general release to the program, but that even if I wasn't she would still be talking to his social worker who would talk to me.
He refused to take all this seriously. He laughed and he left.
Last night I sat down and talked to him about it. I told him that it would be a lot easier if he did sign it. The way it is now it will be like the old game of "telephone" or "gossip." If the social worker misunderstands anything than that is just likely to be exagerated.
Actually, I should say that I tried to explain this to him. He kept interrupting me and asking if I understood how he felt, how vulnerable all this made him feel. I said that I did.
He said, "I could just retract all those releases, right?"
I tried to explain to him that yes he could. If he did, then the agency would stop paying for the treatment; he would no longer get to see the counselor; the delicate balance that allowed us all to feel safe living with him would be destroyed and he would have to move. He laughed. He heard the words, but he responded as though I had said, "Of course, but then God would smite the earth with fire and water and we would all die."
I have come to the conclusion that he will not or cannot understand that I am serious when I say that he can only live here if he is working cooperatively with his social worker and counselor. That is just another thing on a list of long things that I have to accept. Right there next to "Evan will not really accept help with recovery until/unless he fails trying to do it alone."
One way of putting it is though Evan has and continues to be required to attend 12 Step meetings, he has not taken the first step.
He does not think he is an addict. He is just a kid who made a mistake, took some codeine, got dependent and needed a little help with detox. Now he is clean, young, strong, and bullet proof once more. The biggest problem in his life is a bunch of over-anxious adults who want him to jump through a bunch of hoops in order to get what he wants.
In any case I have been in recovery long enough that I understand that I really cannot change this attitude. A few months ago I would be anxiously trying to figure out how to make him understand. I would feel guilty about knowing I was prepared to follow through with consequences and he did not "get it." Now I just find it sad.
It feels good. I don't know if it SHOULD feel good...but it does.
I just had a nice, long talk with the social worker. I had left her a message asking if she could tell me yet when Evan could start the relapse recovery program and could we get him in the minute it was legal.
She called back to say she was hoping Evan could start soon. The payment paper work is done, or nearly so. Unfortunately, the counselor's updated criminal background check is not finished. HOWEVER, since Evan is 18 she is hoping we can get him started anyway.
She said something like, "It sounds like he is doing okay though, right? I mean he said he missed one NA meeting."
YIPEEE!!! She asked! I get to tell!!!!
"Yes. The one he missed was the ONLY one he tried to go to."
"WHAT??!!!"
We chatted. I told her that he had gone to two Al-Anon meetings to which I had taken him. He had not attended a single AA or NA meeting in the three and a half weeks since he left. She was shocked. She was angry. Evan had very much mislead her and she suspected that the rehab counselor was mislead as well. She said she was going to give her a call right now and talk to her about this.
YIPPEEE!!!!
I also told her that Evan has stopped his anti-anxiety meds and said that he could not get ahold of the doctor to make an appointment, also that Evan said he had left a message with her about this problem.
"I never got a message."
Oh, the relief!
I have been trying very, very hard to follow the path of recovery, do what my sponsor advises, follow the healthy examples of the people in my group. Let Evan make his own decisions, let him deal with the consequences. Do not provoke or prevent a crisis.
So I have been feeling like the good sister knowing her bad sister is getting away with stuff. I know I am not supposed to tattle, so I have been keeping my mouth shut. Finally though, being the sneaky older, good-two-shoes sister that I am, I dropped some hints. The authority figure asked the question, "Has your sister been taking cookies?" I get to be virtuous, blink my eyes and say, "No. She took all of them." Then I can go in my room and sing-song, "She's getting it trouble...she's getting trouble..."
Okay, it is not the exact some thing, but I am experiencing the same guilty pleasure I did experience when I was a child and my sister finally got caught for something and I knew I could tell her "I did NOT tell on you! They asked!"
I know most of you will not get it, because it is an unusual situation, but trying to figure out how to be an effective parent without a controlling co-dependent is not always very clear.
I am so, so, so happy I have the counselor and the social worker.
Being uncertain how to respond to Evan's non-compliance is really unusual for me. I have been sitting her reminding myself that most of the time I really am good at this. I am good enough that I don't normally even have to get angry. Sometimes I even have fun.
I find a student's paper on the Internet, they fail my class (yes, the whole class) and I assure them if they want to re-take the course next semester I will not hold this against them.
A kid does not come home on time, they don't go out the next weekend.
You don't come home in time for dinner, you have to feed yourself.
Once I had a teen who kept not telling me where he was going. I decided he needed to be escorted everywhere for two weeks. If we did not have time to go with him, then he could not go. However, you have not lived until you taken a gay teenage boy to a sex ed class and asked lots and lots of questions. ("Where do you buy this stuff?" "How much do you have to use?" "I know you can't get HIV from doing that, but couldn't you get hepatitis?" "Is it true that you can get gonorrhea in the throat?")
But what do I do when Evan does not go to meetings? When he palms his anti-anxiety pills or simply refuses to take them? When he continually forgets to call the psychiatrist to talk about safe ways to come off the pills or whether to switch to new ones?
Right now it is just the extremes for him. If he hits a certain place he cannot live with me anymore, but there doesn't seem to be anything in the middle. Freedom to mess up and then eviction.
Sigh....Tomorrow we talk to the counselor. I'll let you know what ideas she may have.
Evan's "do it alone" attitude is escalating.
--He forgets to take his meds (which he say make him feel sick), and I think he palms them when I give them directly to him.
--He forgets to call his psychiatrist to talk about getting off his meds or trying to new ones.
--He forgets to go to meetings.
--And finally, he has begun complaining about the rehab counselor.
And, of course, the out-patient program hasn't even started yet.
My problem is that I don't know how to react to all this. I could fight with him, nag, complain. I suppose I could come up with some "consequence" but think the ultimate consequences of that will just be more frustration.
I could do the complete Al-Anon thing and say it is not my problem. He is in charge of his own recovery...yada...yada...yada.
One option seems to be the path to insanity. The other feels irresponsible.
I took a compromise option. I told the rehab counselor that we needed to all have a conversation about what exactly Evan is supposed to do and whether I am supposed to keep her informed as to whether he does them. When I sent this message to the counselor I did not say that he was being non-compliant, but she is a really smart woman. She will figure it out.
I'm glad that I have her, because I really don't know what to do.
The anxiety/reassurance dance.
Evan is anxious. I think I have mentioned that about a dozen times in my last couple of posts. He is realizing that staying clean is more difficult than he expected; he is afraid we will kick him out; he feels the need to reassure me that he is okay and that he is not as afraid as he is.
I am anxious. Why am I anxious? I am anxious about being anxious. If I get anxious: Evan will be more nervous; the kids will be stressed; and Hubby will suggest that we don't have to let Evan stay here indefinitely.
I have been trying to tell Hubby that I am the one making me tense, not Evan. I have to learn to cope with this for my own sake.
Actually this evening was much better. I got home and Evan was much more calm than he had been before. He said he walked the 4 blocks (one way) to the Driver's license bureau to get the information, and then walked further down town to pick up applications for jobs. He got three. He also talked to the alternative high school and is working on an educational plan.
I am hoping, of course, that he lower anxiety levels was from walking and accomplishing his goals for the day.
Still...at moments I feel like we are all learning a new dance. We are each of us anxious about getting our own steps right and nervous that if we mis-step we will trip someone else up and the whole family will tumble down around us.
Next on Evan
Well...I am at work and he is home alone. He said last night that today he was going to call the alternative high school, pick up job applications, and go to the Driver's License Bureau.
He has not shown any interest in looking for meetings. He is coasting there. Wednesday he is to see the counselor and his social worker. I guess he is letting them worry about that part.
That is not supposed to be a good sign, recovery-wise.
But I really am trying to focus on my own work and let him do whatever he is going to do. If he makes it, it will be because he wants it badly enough. If he doesn't then he won't. I cannot change that.
Last night I was really tired. Hubby asked me how I was holding up. I told him that before I would have been pacing, anxious, imagining the future and figuring out consequences. As it was I was getting anxious, reminding myself that that did not help anyone, taking deep breaths, and calming myself down.
It's not great, but it is better, and sometimes better is all we get.
Evan is a bundle of nervous energy.
He is realizing that being clean is going to be difficult. I think just being in his room, the place where he so often took his drug, is difficult.
He is worried about whether he can do it.
He feels like he has to project an image of confidence to us so that we will not worry.
He is afraid we will not love him; that we will reject him; that we will kick him out.
He is exhausting to be around.
His study skills teacher called him to talk him about ways to finish high school classes (THANK YOU!!). So now he is talking about spending part of the day at the alternative high school and part of the day at the high school doing other work.
He mentioned wanting to go to college in the fall. He still doesn't know that it is too late apply for CJET funding for this year. I don't want to tell him yet. He has enough to worry about. Besides, CJET is not the only way to play for school.
As long as he doesn't take out any loans. He will not get CJET funding the next year if he takes a loan.
A friend invited me to her house for sushi this evening. It meant not picking Evan up at the airport with Hubby and not being here for the first couple of hours. I decided it was a great idea.
We rolled our own [sushi] and I was proclaimed to be the very best first-time roller ever. I suspsect that was an extreme exaggeration, but it was nice to hear. [For those of you who have not done it...you put a rectangular piece of seaweed on a little bamboo mat. You cover the seaweed with rice and then a line of whatever -- fish, crab, cucumber... The real trick is not to put too much stuff on it. You then roll the mat. There is a little trick to it that I cannot explain in words, but after you get it all rolled you slice it. I was having so much fun rolling it that I made far more than I ate. My kind host let me take it home for the kids. Evan and Andrew are very grateful. Hubby sweetly tried one and Brian said the "fumes" made him feel faint.]
I came home and Evan greeted me. He told me that everything is harder than he thought it would be. I tried to tell him that it is normal for it to be hard. It was okay to be afraid and it was okay to talk about being afraid.
He cried a little and kept trying to reassure me that he did not want to take the drug (because detox is so horrible) and that he was going to be okay.
He said he is sure that it will get easier...it has to, right?
I gave him my cell phone. He is now talking with someone now.
Andrew and I went early to the pharmacy to get his prescription fixed again this month. I explained that every month this calendar year we have got the wrong number of pills and had to come back to get it fixed. Now we were back again.
The ever so young pharmacist said, "Is there any reason why you waited a week to tell us about the problem?"
I stared at him a minute. I thought about saying, "Well, I was busy. See I had to go LA to visit my foster son who is in rehab for codeine addiction. I have been going to Al-Anon, seeing a counselor, and talking to friends about whether I can cope with living with a recovering codeine addict -- he's coming home tomorrow. Also, of course, I have been working a full time job, being a wife and mother and doing a little emergency respite for other foster parents."
I didn't though. After the blank stare I just said, "I've been busy."
I am still "processing" various moments of the family counseling session. I want to write a clear post...but that is not going to happen.
Moment One:
Evan talks about being ashamed of something. There is something that he never told me. He tells me, with anxiety and tears. It is banal. His tears and anxiety seem completely over the top. I realize later that that is the issue. He is ashamed now of having been ashamed then. He should not have wanted to hide this thing. He wishes he had been proud.
Moment Two:
Evan expresses fear of rejection, fear that we might kick him out. The LA rehab counselor tells him that we will not reject him. "Beth is not your mother."
All my co-dependency issues are triggered. It seems to me that the counselor is setting Evan up to confuse boundaries with rejection. Evan cannot live with us if he starts using again. I tell the counselor that what he said might be confusing. I say that Evan has our unconditional love, but not unconditional rent. Counselor says he likes that way of putting it.
Moment Three:
We end up discussing how long Evan may stay with us. I talk about hoping he makes it to August 16. The counselor is surprised, worried. Does he have to leave then? Will he have to live by himself? We discuss the possibility of him staying longer. I tell Evan he cannot drift and stay but if he wants to plan to stay he can.
It all feels sur-real to me. Stay longer? Heck,I have been wondering if I could manage to keep him until the end of summer.
This morning the idea that he will stay feels terrifying. I feel like I have given him permission to stay until he hurts us. I wonder what I am doing? Why am I bringing a recovering addict back into this house? What about Andrew and Brian? This is not a story with a happy ending. All sorts of possibilities flash through my mind. I could call the social worker and tell her that I don't want him back at all. I could tell her that I know I said he could stay into the next school year, but I want to take it back. She would talk him out of it and would allow me to seem like the good guy.
The anxiety and panic pass. I feel calmer now. I remember that Evan never did anything horrible. He was using, but it was quiet. He never stole. He never acted crazy. He never frightened anyone. All he did was hide in his room and protest that he could not go to school. I am not bringing a monster into the house.
How long will he be here? Well, as long as being here is promoting his eventual independence. If it is enabling dependence, then he will have to leave.
If things go well, and he stays another year that would actually be good for Andrew and Brian. Even if Andrew does not like him, it will be easier for him to live with him then to start over with another kid. We will take it one day at a time and see how it goes.
Next: Evan comes home
