His mother called

His mother called this evening. Her voice trembled as she introduced herself and said she was calling to find out how Frankie was. I was so excited, and nervous, for him that I forgot all about introducing myself. Probably the fact that I am a bit nervous talking to her played into it. I just told her that he was fine and said I would get him so she could talk to him.

He spoke to her and his sisters for about an hour.

Mostly he was very cheerful.

And yes, right away he told his mother than he was transgendered and he wanted to be a girl. Of course he first asked her to promise not to be shocked or to blame us. He reported later that after he told her she said, "I'm going to take a little breather and let you talk to your sisters."

When he spoke to his first sister he said, "I understand Mom is having trouble with her breathing. Does she have cancer?" He stayed pretty cheerful throughout the phone call. He told everyone about our open kitchen, our brain-damaged (he said "retarded") cat, our dogs, etc.

He tried to reassure his sister that he was "in a real home with a real mom and a real dad." It surprised him that this upset his sister. He then reassured her that no one could replace her or their mother. At one point he referred to Hubby as his dad and then corrected himself, "You know, my third dad. He's my F-Dad." This made him giggle.

I don't think it helped his sister much.

He tried to cheer up his sister. He spoke to her in a Darth Vader voice, "I am Frankie. I am your brother." He told her to stand on her head so her frown would be upside down and then she would be happy. He told her to be happy over and over. "I'm in a real home, with a real mom and dad. Be happy."

He promised his sister he would visit. He said that he couldn't run away to live with them because he would just get caught and locked up. He said when he was 18 he would come to live with them and never leave.

Frankie's Mom

Email from me to social worker: "Do you know if Frankie's mom was given our phone number? It is still okay with me, although maybe (with Frankie's permission) we should give her his cell phone number."

Email from social worker to me 30 minutes later: "I just gave 'Emily' both of Frankie's numbers. How is he doing in school?"

--

And so why do I feel like crying? It occurs to me that I might be angry that the social worker gave Frankie's cell phone number without asking his permission, but I know that he would have agreed without hesitation. I cannot work up anger over that.

I know that I wish I had said that I would rather she had not given the house number, if it wasn't too late. I'm afraid. Not that she will do something mean or dangerous. I am just afraid of dealing with her. I had fantasy that she would only have Frankie's number. She would only talk to him and she would never be quite real for me. If she upset him, I could change Frankie's cell number. I would have the power of drawing a curtain around us.

But I have been assured, and I do believe the assurance, that she is no danger to him or to us. The worst things she may do is promise to visit or call and then not show up. I don't want to measure how bad that would be to Frankie, but it is clear that it is not something that is dangerous to me.

I read Dawn's article about meeting Jessica, and like Baggage today, I am jealous of their relationship. I want to be chosen by my children's mothers.

Sometimes I think it is ethically easier for those of use who care for children from foster care. We can tell ourselves that the children are better off. The children we love were once physically abused, neglected, abandoned. They were traumatized. Now they are safe and nurtured. Surely we foster parents are angels of mercy.

But talk to Frankie and ask him what was the worst day of his life, and he will tell you it was the day when the police, the people from the government he had been taught to fear, came and bodily took him from his father. He will tell you about how he struggled and fought, about how many people it took to carry him off, about how his father cursed and cried and struggled with even more police officers.

And if you ask him if he wasn't better off afterwards, he will look at you like you are crazy. He went to live with people he did not know. People who told him he was safe and then told him he was a pervert when he shared that he really wanted to be a girl. He was forbidden to be alone with other children. He was forced to attend school. He was sent to a high-security group home.

He was angry and afraid and with every expression of that anger he went some place with tighter security.

If you ask, he will say that he likes our house. He likes that he can eat when he wants, that we purchase rye bread that no one likes but him. He likes that we accept that he wants to be a girl. And he is increasingly frustrated and confused by all the people who say they support him and then tell him that he can't see a doctor to get hormonal treatment.

And if you ask about his parents, he will tell you about all the marvelous things his father taught him. He will smile about how frustrating it can be to live with someone who, it must be confessed, was crazy, but it was a whole lot more fun than the places the governtment put him. Yes, his father hit him sometimes, but he was not as mean and controlling as the people at the institution.

And his mother? He is proud of his mother. He will tell you of her accomplishments, though he will acknowledge that it was difficult to move around so much. And do you want to see pictures of his sisters? He doesn't have recent ones, not good ones, but do you want to see them? He misses his sisters.

And me? I am not the heroine of his story. I'm the best thing to happen to him since he was kidnapped.

No, there is no ethical high ground in foster care. Whether it was the first family or the state or both who traumatized these children, we are privileged to parent these kids only because someone else hurt them.

But for me it was easier with the others. The decisions that resulted in Carl, David, and Evan being separated from their mothers had been made, and not by me. Perhaps they were unjust. Perhaps they were the best decisions that could be made given the injustices of the world. But in any case they were in the past. I was presented with a child who had no home to go to. Would I open mine?

But things with Frankie are so much more difficult.

And I did not sign up for this. I never tell anyone, including myself, that they should not talk about how difficult it is because "after all, they signed up for it." Signing up for it doesn't mean ... well it doesn't mean much of anything.

But not signing up for it ... I find myself thinking it. Wanting to tell people.

I did not sign up for this!

I did not ask for a child who might be taken away and given to his real, natural, true mother. I can believe with my whole heart that if his mother can parent him then she should. I can believe that it is best for him.

But I cannot want it.

I cannot love this child and hope he leaves.

I cannot.

I am afraid of his mother. I am afraid of how she will speak to me. Is there any chance that she will see me as a benevolent figure who offered security to her child while she fought to get him back? Or will she see me as part of the forces who work to separate her from the child she gave birth to, sang to sleep at night, whose accomplishments she celebrated and over whose agonies she wept?

I believe that if she is able to parent, she should. I believe that Frankie will be better off reunited with a mother who never stopped loving him, who fought the state to get him back. I can believe that the right thing was for me to have just a few months to show him possibilities that are waiting for him.

I believe Emily should know where her son is. She should be able to call him on the phone.

And I gave permission for her to have our phone number.

And now she has it.

And I want to cry.

TPR?

There is a hearing scheduled for December at which the state is asking for Frankie's mother's parental rights to be terminated. She has got a public defender and has decided to try to regain custody. I don't know if Frankie knows about the hearing or his mother's intentions.

This is an unusual situation for me to be in. This program is for kids for whom adoption and reunification have been ruled out. Clearly the state is confident about how it will go, but it is not settled. It is possible that in December the judge will say the Frankie should go home.

She has apparently been requesting (demanding?) to have our phone number. I am told that the worst thing that that she might do if she had it was not show up. She does not pose a (physical) danger to us or Frankie. Though I told the social workers that I do not object to her having our phone number, they have suggested that Frankie make the first contact.

So I told Frankie that his mother really wants to talk to him and that he can call her anytime he likes. It is a long distance call, and the land-line has a long-distance block, but he can borrow my cell phone. He says that he wants to call her, and will, but this is not a good time because (insert excuse here). He doesn't say this with much anxiety or enthusiasm. He speaks of his parents positively: his father taught him survival skills (like how to make a spear for box-hunting) and his mother gave him secret ingredients for some recipes. He does not talk about abuse; he does not express anger; he does not show anxiety; he does not seem to even have hurt feelings.

He wants to call her, just not as much as he wants to shop for bras on the Internet or throw sticks at boxes, or...

But I think about how I would feel about him going back. My first thought was that I am glad that we will have had this time to be part of his life. I am grateful to whatever powers or chance brought him here so that at least for a few months he could be affirmed. If he goes home, he will not be given the same freedom to explore gender and sexuality he has here, but he will know that it is okay to do so. He will have to stifle himself for a few more years, but at least he will know that there is an accepting world waiting for him.

And I know that I will be very sad. This kid can be very annoying, but he is also very endearing. I will miss him. I know that if he left now that I would be sad. I know that by December it will be gut-wrenching.

I know that it will hurt Brian and Andrew more. I mentioned it to Andrew and his eyes filled with tears. I told him that the state expects that she will loose. His response though was worry for Frankie. There was no way she would allow him to wear dresses. He wanted to know if the judge would consider that. I told him that I did not know. All I knew was that the state does not believe the judge will give her custody.

But I wonder. Frankie is from a pretty conservative part of the state. Will the judge think that our nurturing of Frankie's specialness is a reason for letting him stay here? Or will his mother argue that we are turning him into a pervert and that even if she can't have him he must at least be moved to a normal home? I have worked cooperatively with families before. I loved that I had a good relationship with Evan's family. The moment his mother hugged me and thanked me for taking care of him is one of my treasured memories.

Somehow I don't think that Frankie's mom is going to hug me and thank me for buying her son bras and skirts that twirl.

I don't know enough about the past to know what is the right thing to do. I have deep respect for the connections between parents and their children. I don't think that the state should be deciding which families deserve to have children. Foster care is necessary to care for children whose parents genuinely cannot take care of them, but it is not the preferred option.

I am prepared to believe that, even if his mother cannot accept the journey he is on, it might be best for him to know that the mother who gave birth to him and raised him for 10 years wants him back. It might be good for him to live with her again for a few years and know that though she lost him to his father and then to the system, her love for him stayed strong. Being back with her, and with his sisters whom I know he misses, for the last few years of his childhood might be healing, even if it meant postponing other journeys of self-discovery.

I could be made to believe that it is best for him.

But it would still hurt like hell.

Why TPR?

There is a TPR hearing for Frankie's mother in December.

I don't know why they are doing it. I know reasons why she cannot be expected to provide him with a safe and stable home, and that she has three daughters in her custody. Frankie was removed from his father's custody. His rights were terminated some time ago.

But I don't understand why they are pursuing this with his mother.

It is not a requirement for entry into the program for which I work. Kids only get into this program if reunification is no longer being considered, but that does not necessarily mean termination of parental rights have to be done.

She has not seen him very much over the past five years, although she apparently has made more contact recently. She is not considered dangerous to him, except in the way that neglect is dangerous.

So I don't get it.

From my perspective it does not make a difference. I am not planning on adopting him, and I am planning on staying connected to him indefinitely. I expect to be part of his life. Like Carl, David, and Evan, he may come home for holidays, to recover from an illness, to live during vacations at school. He may call me to ask how to cook salmon, or come over to sew curtains. I offer that to him regardless of his relationship to his parents.

I don't think it is a good thing for Frankie. I don't see why making him a legal orphan is a good thing. Will it be a good thing if she doesn't fight it, for him to know that his mother let the state legally sever their relationship? Will it be a good thing for him to hear that the state has decided that the mother who is caring for his sisters is not fit to care for him?

What will it do to his relationship with his sisters?

I can't see how it will encourage healthy contact and visitation.

I asked the social worker and he did not know; he actually seemed a bit surprised by the question.

I suspect there isn't a reason. It is just what they do.

But I wish they wouldn't.

She is his mom. She was only 16 when he was born. She has made good decisions and bad decisions. I agree that she cannot provide him with the stability he needs. But she is still his mother.

How is anything made better by making him a legal orphan?

Parents, first parents, are not evil

I hate to give links to blogs when I am being critical of what they have said or what their commentors have said.

I have read files containing descriptions of abuse that have made me vomit. Certainly they have made me give up any idea that G-d is in control of the details of this world. As far as G-d goes, there are two main possibilities: there is no G-d; or for various reasons G-d has decided not to interfere. If I believed that there were a divine plan that included or required that a small child be raped, I would think that the divine planner was a sadistic demon. I would believe it my moral obligation to fight against such a demon, and if he were all-powerful and told me I would go to a fire pit of torment if I did not join his side, I would hope I had the courage of Job (who was NOT patient) and would respond "I know my redeemers lives," and you, demon, are not that redeemer. I would hope that, like Job, I would have the strength to believe in a G-d that was just even if one respected religious leader after another showed up at my door to convince me to repent and bow down before the so-called G-d of suffering.

There are people who should never have had children. People who have done terrible things to children. Often our child welfare system does not work well. Children go unprotected. Children are sometimes, perhaps many times, sent back to parents who are still unable to keep those kids safe.

But we have no right, absolutely no right, to assume without knowing that any particular parent is evil, incompetent, or undeserving. If we have only half the story, then we have only half the story.

So take this story: a child goes into foster care at age two. Even though the foster family moved to a different state, the mother still visited with him every other week. Amazing. So many mothers are overwhelmed by their lives and by the condemnation they fear from the people they will have to deal with that they cannot make themselves go. This mother did. She kept visiting. It took her eight years, but she pulled it off. She turned her life around and got her son back.

There are lots of details that were left out. Eight years is a long time to be with one family and not be adopted. The foster mother being interviewed makes it sound like she just didn't get around to it because she thought it wasn't necessary. I doubt it. If the child was having regular visits with his mother, it is likely that it wasn't possible. It is likely that the court would not have allowed her to adopt. Not that it would have made a difference if she had been able and chosen not to.

Choosing to remain the foster parent when one can adopt makes a lot of sense in a lot of situations. It does mean however that a social worker can show up on day and say, "The judge decided Johnny can go home! Pack his things. Say goodbye."

In other words, she always knew this would happen.

Which does not ease her pain one bit. I would never tell her her, "Well, you knew this could happen" as though that would make her feel better or as though her feelings were not completely justified. Of course she is heartbroken. Her grief is real, and deep, and potentially life-altering.

And I feel very sad for her that the mother has decided she can have no contact with the boy she has raised for eight years.

But I will not leap to judgment. I will not say that it was wrong for a mother to be reunited with her son after eight years.

Perhaps the people who rush to judge are right. Maybe the mother should not have been reunited with her son. Perhaps, even though visits were regularly kept, even though she did whatever else the judge expected of her, perhaps she still should not have been reunited with her son. Maybe.

I don't know.

Which is precisely my point.

Talked to his grandmother

I just got a call back from Evan's grandmother. I told her that I wanted to get him from the airport so that I would get to see him at least a little. I also told her that if she wanted or needed I could keep him a day or two.

She said that whatever he wanted was fine with her. He could come right over or he could stay with me. It was fine with her.

We're both so nice.

And in fact we are. She loves Evan very much. She met him when he was three, when her son married Evan's mother. She accepted that little boy into her family and there he stayed, even after the divorce. Shortly after Evan moved in here she dropped by to say hello and check us out. I believe I mentioned at some time in the past that Evan might have been placed with her, except that, not being a legal relative, the social worker did not know to ask, and Evan asked to be with us.

He knew of us because he knew David from the youth group. He did not know much about us, just that we were supportive of gay kids and were available. Oh...and we lived a few blocks away from his boyfriend. That was a plus too. The relationship didn't last, but by then Evan was firmly embedded in our family. He may also have had anxiety about living and going to high school in the extremely small town in which his grandmother, aunt, sister and ex-step father live.

So I have mixed feelings about him going out there. I am very happy that he has this extended family who loves him. I am both relieved and disappointed that he will not be here. I am pleased that he is determined to move forward on his life. I'm interested to know how well he will survive in a home with no Internet connection.

"Foster Aunt" not "Foster Mom"

It worked out really well for me to be Evan's aunt, not mother. It helped him in changing schools. It meant that he was able to answer questions about why he was there in a natural way. He could give just a little, true information about himself and then give more as he got to know people. Telling people that he was living with his aunt and uncle because he was not getting along with his mother or because his mother's boyfriend was a jerk was true. As people got to know him better he could tell them more. He never found himself in an awkward situation where he had to explain why the mother of one story was not the mother in another story.

Of course when he did tell people that he was in foster care they invariably thought he was lucky to have an aunt who worked in the system so that he did not have to go live with strangers. He was always fine with that.

It did help also with his mother's acceptance of where he was and of me. Knowing that I was claiming the position of "aunt" meant that I was not replacing her. She was still the mother. She thanked me more than once for taking care of him for her, and I don't know that she would have been able to do that if she thought that I was trying to take her place.

Increasingly I am becoming uncomfortable with the general practice of identifying foster carers (to use a neutral term) as parents.

Mothers and fathers are supposed to be forever. Of course the children in our care have already had that promise broken once, but does that excuse us doing it again? As long as we are not in the position to promise these children that we will be there forever, should we be telling them that we are their parents?

Some of us will be adopting the children in our care, but even those of us who are on the foster-to-adopt track will care for children whom we do not keep. Do we confuse these children when we call ourselves their parents, and then later say goodbye to them? Do we get in the way of trusting that their adoptive parents, should they be adopted, really are forever parents?

How does a five-year-old conceptualize "I will be your mother for a while"?

The more I think about it, the less comfortable I am with the general practice of foster carers being called "mom" or "dad." There are undoubtedly good reasons for doing it in some particular case or other, but should it be the default position?

I'm not really certain about this, just wondering.

What do you think?

Last Meal

It was the last evening. Grandma, aunt, mom and both sisters were here. Everyone had a good time.

Baby Sister kept us all enteratained. She calls her siblings "Sissy" and "Buddy." By the end of the evening she was calling Brian "my lil buddy." (And since Brian's actual name sounds nothing like "Buddy" it was clear that she had chosen him for her new brother.)

It was a nice evening and more relaxed than I thought it would be. All the adults hugged me and thanked me for taking such good care of Evan the past year. I told them that I was happy to have him in my life. Evan's mom hugged me especially hard. She said that she would give me a call or maybe drop by. I told her she was welcome. I don't actually expect her to, at least not very often, but things are relaxed between us, and that is good.

Tomorrow morning he leaves.

"You mean my aunt"

That's what Evan said to one of the social workers when he called to ask if they could help with transportation to counseling. "You mean my aunt. No, she can't drive me because she is working."

The social workers encourage the kids to call us foster parents "mom" and "dad". At least they refer to us that way.

It made me remember how important that is to him.

I sometimes get calls from the school where someone ask's "Is this Mrs. Kid'sLastName?" I figure that's just another way of say, "Is this the right adult to talk to about Kid's problem?" So I just answer "yes." I don't correct them about my name unless I think they are going to be writing it down. It just is not all that important to me.

But it is important to Evan.

It is important for the reasons we originally suggested it. Being his aunt means that he does not have to feel any particular emotion for us. There is no suggestion that he has some sort of attachment problem if he simply likes us or even if he were to merely tolerate us.

It is also important though because he has a mother, and I am not her.

It's one of the differences between doing foster care and adopting. I am not the real mother. I became (one of) Carl's real mothers; I am the closest thing that David has to a mother (which is not the same thing); but I am Evan's aunt.

And that is fine with me.

Evan back from the prison ceremony

Evan got back home in the middle of the afternoon. I had expected him to be with his family longer, but it looks like no one planned a party or anything for his mother. There was the ceremony at the prison, for all the women who had completed the 15 month rehab program. Then they got a fast lunch, and went home.

His mother is staying with abusive-boyfriend's mother for a while. She is telling Evan that she has no interest in abusive-boyfriend, but he is not sure whether to believe that.

He thinks baby sister will be staying with the guardian until mom gets settled, but he does not know for certain.

Anyway, he seems to have survived the day okay. He did tell me that someone pulled in front of them, causing them to slam on their breaks. Evan rolled down his window and yelled and made obscene gestures. The driver of the other vehicle responded in kind. They both ended up outside of the cars behaving in threatening ways. Evan one the face-off, being bigger and more intimidating. No blows were thrown.

Evan tells us these stories asking for our perspective on them. I wonder how the various father-figures in his life have responded to Evan's periodic outbursts of temper. Did they think it showed he was a man? Were they torn between being proud and thinking that they should not encourage it?

We of course are not torn. We are gentle, but we tell him that such behavior is not acceptable. We try to communicate that there are better ways to solve problems.

It is interesting to note that Evan has told us three stories in which he acted in ways that could have had him arrested for assault. In every case he perceived himself as coming to the defense of someone weaker and helpless. Yesterday he said all he was thinking was that his baby sister was in their car and that guy could have got her hurt.

Prison release today

Hubby finally got Evan off to stay with his baby sister in The City. Today they go to Mom's graduation. I think, but am not really positive, that the graduation is from a special rehabilitation program. In any case, it is at 11:00 and at noon she walks out a free woman.

She called last night, worried that Evan might not make it, worried that her daughters wouldn't make it. On one hand I think I do understand the why she was putting so much pressure on Evan. She does not have unlimited phone calls. She was able to call one person, who won't be able to call her back. She wanted Evan to tell her that he had talked to his sisters and everything was set; they would all be there tomorrow. What he did have to say was that he would be there, and he was sure his baby sister would too, but that he had not heard from the 14-year-old and could guarantee nothing. Mom was upset, wanting Evan to promise that he would make certain middle sister would be there, but of course that was not in Evan's ability to promise.

It was upsetting for him.

He also has mixed feelings about the rehabilitation program, and I am right there with him. I remember when my father first joined AA and I felt like everyone would expect me to happy about it. I was not. I did not think it would stick and even if he did manage to get/stay sober I did not expect his behavior to me to suddenly be better. (I was right on both counts. His sobriety is a fragile thing and though he stopped being mean, he is still capable of being very hurtful.)

At least I did not have to go to a party and celebrate the beginning of his new life.

Evan has clear evidence that his mother is not rehabilitated with respect to him. She has taken no responsibility for what she has done, or rather what she has failed to do. It appears that if her relationship with Evan's abuser is over (and it might not be) it is only because the abuser has moved on. She seems to think that Evan is being silly in refusing to be anywhere near the man who beat him.

She does not understand that Evan does not owe her anything. It is not his fault that she is is prison and separated from her daughters. It is not his job to make life in prison more comfortable by sending her books and money. It is not his job to bring her street clothes to wear when she leaves prison. It is not his job...

You get the idea.

So today, Evan will have to be with his mother and the rest of the family. He anticipates that his mother will be self-congratulatory and self-righteous. He is not certain how the rest of the family will act; and he is not positive that his abuser will not show up at some point. At least the abuser will not be at the prison ceremony -- what with all the warrants out for his arrest and all.

But I wonder what she expects will happen next with Evan. I don't know how much was explained to her about the premanency program Evan is in. Does she think he will move back with her? Has she been imagining that he will be there, as he was before, to care for the baby (now a four-year-old) while she does whatever she does? Or does she understand that he is not coming back? He is nearly 19 afterall. And how will Evan cope knowing his baby sister is with his mother, and with whoever she is with, without her big brother to protect and care for her?

I have so many questions, but no answers.

[For those who are not long-time readers of the blog, the boyfriend beat Evan in an attempt to keep Evan from attending a support group for queer kids. Evan went anyway. The youth group leader called the police, and the resulting investigation turned up parole violations on his mother. His mom quickly gave temporary guardianship of baby sister to a friend, in whom Evan has confidence. Middle sister was already in her father's custody, so Evan was the only one who ended up in care.]

Evan's Story Part 11: Drama with Birth Mom

11/9/05
Mary,

Evan's social worker, Brenda, just called.

First -- let me make just get the characters straight:

E’s Mom.

The Bully: Mom’s boyfriend (whom she may or may not have married after Evan moved
out)

Teenage Sister: Evan's younger sister (about 14 years old). Though E’s mom and Teenage Sister's dad divorced a long time ago, Teenage Sister's paternal grandmother, aunt and cousin all still claim Teenage Sister AND Evan as part of the family. (When Evan says, "My grandmother" he usually means the one he shares with Teenage Sister).

Baby Sister: Evan's baby sister (3 or 4 years old). I don't know who Baby Sister's father is, but it is not The Bully.

Okay...you may remember that The Bully beat Evan up. The leader for the youth group for gay kids called the cops. Evan was taken directly into protective custody. He was never able to recover most of his belongings. He was interested in getting back the computer that he had built from parts he had bought over a couple of years. When the authorities investigated the home they found The Bully's drugs. E’s mom was put back in jail for a parole violation (The Bully's meth in her house). There is a warrant out for The Bully's arrest, but he is still at large. (The Bully's legal situation may have changed, we don't know for certain). (As soon as E’s mom saw what was going to happen she gave custody of Teenage Sister to her father and Baby Sister to her godparents).

Now...The Bully called Evan's social worker and told her that Evan can't have his computer back because they found gay porn on it and they gave it away anyway. And oh yes...they think that Evan molested Baby Sister and so they don't want him to visit her anymore.

Of course he was slurring over his words when he called.

But Brenda is a social worker and she has to report these charges even if she believes that they are unfounded.


Last week Evan asked Brenda to call his mom at jail. All Evan wants from her at this point is information about his paternal brothers and the location of his father's grave. That's all. He has given up on the computer. Brenda can't call E’s mom directly. All she can do is leave a message saying she would like to talk to her.

All I can guess is that E’s mom told The Bully that she got the message and The Bully thinks it is all about the computer. For some reason he wants to scare Evan off from trying to get it back.

This is the first time that I have had no sympathy for the family my kids have come from. What is wrong with these crazy people?

So Evan has to call his social worker today. She will tell him that he should not contact his sisters (which he rarely does) until they get this straightened out. He should also not go visit his mother in jail tomorrow as he planned. Brenda will try to get everything taken care of. She really will.

Fortunately Baby Sister is with her godparents and they really like Evan. They have temporary guardianship and so they may be able to put a halt to the whole thing. I hope so.

Evan's Story Part 1: The Beginning
: Evan's StoryPart 12: Drama with the Foster Mom (that would be me)

David's Story Part 18: Permanency Hearing

12/10/04
Mary,

Yesterday was David's permanency hearing. That is a routine event, but it was still emotionally significant. David went to so many of these. He went and he waited for his mother to show up and try to get him and his two brothers back. She would fail to show, the judge would decide to give her another chance before terminating her parental rights and they would all be back in another two months. So though David down-played it, it was a big deal that Hubby and I both took the day off from work to go to the hearing. None of us, not even David, had to be there. But we were. This time David was in court with parents.

We all got to say that we were very happy and the judge said that it looked like David's permanency plan was a good one. We also got news about David's brothers. His oldest younger brother, Db1, who is 13, insisted on staying with the adoptive father even though Db2 (10) is being sent back to foster care. Db1 will be adopted and David and Db2 will be able to go visit them in the summer. Db2 is with a foster mother about 20 miles away from us. She specializes in tough kids and has had an excellent track record with them. Littlest brother Db3 is still with their birth mother who has been tracked down and is living with friends. She seems to be coping well and social services is keeping an eye on things. David may have been misinformed about there being yet another child. (A friend of his had seen her with a baby.)

After the permanency hearing we went to eat at a horrible fast food Chinese place. I got a fortune cookie that said, "Stop searching forever for happiness. It is right next to you." David, who was sitting next to me, grinned.

David's Story Part 19: David's Brother
David's Story Part 1: The Beginning

Care for families

One major gaping whole in our current system is, I believe, a lack of care for families as families.

I think often of David's mom. She was 17 when she had her first child. She was uneducated, abused, abandoned, and probably had cognitive impairment. Her third and fourth children were born with FAS. I wonder what might have happened if after they took the father of her first two children away, after he went to prison for his attempt on her life, there had been any sort of system to take care of her while she parented her first two children.

What if there had been a place in the world where she could have lived with her two healthy pre-school kids? She was not competent to take care of herself and her kids. She was not a bad person. She did not mistreat her kids. Within her abilities she took the best care of them that she could.

There should have been some sort of assisted living facility for her where she could live with her kids. I know it might not have worked. She might have refused to go. She might have walked out.

But I think she would have gone at least for a while. If she had, she might not have ended up immediately involved with an addict who also abused her and her kids. She might not have ended up later alone with four boys, the youngest two of whom had FAS.

The bottom line is that she needed care herself. The services that were available to her once she was an adult and a parent were not services which she had the competencies to take advantage of.

So many of the kids in foster care had mothers who had their first children as teenagers. We need a way to do early intervention and long term support. We need a way to take care of these women as they care for their children.

Surely it would have cost less than it did to put all four of those boys in separate therapeutic foster homes.

To my children's mothers

Happy Mother's day

to Carl's mother who died;

to David's mother who was too young, too inexperienced, abused, abandoned, unskilled, uneducated, and probably mentally disabled, who did not fight to get her children back but, I'm sure, believed they were better without her than with her;

to Evan's mother who is in prison and who, though she has lived a life torn apart by drugs and violence, stayed clean throughout each of her pregnancies and gave birth to healthy children who are capable of loving and trusting however deep their wounds are.

May you all know peace.

Evan and his mother

His mother gets out in (now) 82 days. She is going to move in with his abuser's grandmother. She is taking the baby sister with her.

This man brutally beat her son, but it does not bother her. If her son had just agreed to not go to that support group for gay kids, her boyfriend would not have had to hit him.

If her son had only hidden his bruises (by not going to the group), then the group leader would not have called the cops. The social worker would not have suggested that the parole officer make a surprise visit. The parole officer would not have seen the meth. She would not have be in jail.

Clearly everything in Evan's fault, but she is willing to forgive him. She hopes they can build a relationship.

My worry is Evan's reaction, or lack of one. All last evening he played video games on his computer. He came out to the living room to cheerfully tell me about his success (or lack thereof) in transporting goods across the galaxy. Nothing his mother said bothers him. It doesn't have anything to do with him. He's not going to be visiting her if she's living with that man or any of his relatives, but it's not big deal.

The possibilitites:

He is in a perfectly normal sort of denial, not feeling what he is not prepared to feel.

He was working hard to put up a good front for my sake. Though I have told him before that I feel safer about his recovery when he is not doing that, but that does not sink in. (I don't think so. Usually when he does this the real emotion shows through the cracks. He blinks away tears while telling me that he is not sad.)

He was using. If he is using then it is light use...just a pill or two to make the pain go away. Of course it will progress, but he was alert and engaged yesterday.

Uggg....

I wish he had a sponsor. I wish he was doing more obvious recovery work.

I wish...I wish...I wish...

I wish I could stop wondering and worrying and obsessing.

Carl's Mom

Pajama Mama got her birth certificate for DramaChild (see blogroll for link). Very cool.

She also expresses the mixed feelings that many of us who raise children birthed by someone else. We are so grateful that we have these kids in our lives, and feel sad that our childrens’ birth parents did not get the privilege of them.

I have had different feelings about the parents of my children. Today I thought I would talk about Carl’s.

Carl’s parents met after most of his mother’s children were grown, or nearly so. She worked in a hotel and he played in the steel drum band. They knew each other for a couple of years, were close, had a baby, and never felt the need to get married. Carl says his mother spoke of him with affection. Eventually the steel drum band went back to Belize and Carl’s mother moved across the country. They wrote letters for a while.

Carl’s mom developed emphysema. He spent more and more time out of school taking care of her. Eventually social services got involved and his mother agreed to put him in a foster home for school weeks and he came to see her only on weekends. When I met him he was in his second foster home and his mother had only a few more months to live. I went to church one day to hear, “Did you hear that B & J’s foster son’s mother died?” “Oh. No. How sad.”

Carl was in my Sunday School class the next year. He was a great kid. He was one of the youth who would volunteer to work in the nursery when there was a potluck or something at the church. Andrew and Brian really liked him so I started asking him to do short babysitting jobs for us. Carl was just 14 then.

When his foster parents broke up, we took him. That story I have already written.

They tried to find his father. Carl has a name on a birth certificate, a couple of photographs, and one letter from when he was nine. All the evidence indicates that this man would have wanted to know that his son was orphaned. Maybe Carl would not have moved to Belize, but I know he would have wanted to at least visit. He knows that he has half siblings in Belize. He has one photo of his father with his sister at her wedding.

I was lucky to start out with Carl. He definitely has issues. His mother started getting sick when he was quite young. He lost too much of his childhood taking care of her. He was allowed to be an irresponsible child while being forced to be a responsible adult. At the same time though he was a loved and cherished child. By the time he came to me, he had had a chance to mourn and was ready to love a second mommy. He was happy to let Hubby be his dad.

Every summer, in July, I remember this is the month that Carl’s mother died. I no longer remember the date, but I remember the month and I think about her. I would like to send her a letter,

Dear Carl’s Mom,
Look how well our boy is turning out! He is growing into a strong young man. Thank you for sharing him with me. It is a privilege to be able to be the second mother to your son.

A call from Evan's mom

Evan's mom called.

I accepted the call. I just could not refuse her call one more time.

I tried to tell her only that Evan was safe and not in trouble, but that it was his job to tell her what was going on...but I couldn't.

All I could hear was a mother who was scared.

I told her that the truth...that Evan was in rehab for codeine. That he told us it was a problem and that he asked for help.

Her response was loving. She was glad that he was able to do that. She was not angry with him.

She wanted to know where he was. I told her only that it was in [location deleted] and that it was a really good place -- a small place that only took about 8 people at a time.

I told her that if she wants to mail a letter here I can forward it to him.

At first she said that she wanted to tell him in the letter that she was proud of him for doing this, but then she took it back and said that of course she shouldn't because I wasn't supposed to tell her.

I told her that I thought it would be good for Evan to know that she was proud of him and that it was okay to be honest about our conversation. She said, "I will tell him that I MADE you tell me. That I would NOT let you off the phone until you did." She asked if she could call back in a week or so to get an update about Evan. I said yes.

When I talked to her it was just one mother talking to another. She was scared; she was a worried mother who needed to know what was happening with her son, and I knew.

So I told her.


I don't know if I should tell Evan that I told her. I am thinking not. It will raise his expectations of a letter or something and I don't know if she will follow through on that. Also Evan should still have to face his responsibility of telling her.

Telling Evan's family

I've written about Evan's mom before. This morning I was reading what Lionmom has to say about the bio moms of her daughers -- very compassionate and thoughtful.

It made me think about Evan's bio family. I am in something of a bind.

First, I am not supposed to tell his family that he is in rehab. It is not that they are not allowed to know, it is that he is supposed to tell them (one of the "steps") and if I tell them I am "enabling" them.

If his grandmother or aunt call I don't think that I can not tell them. The genuinely love him. If I am evasive they will worry. I did give Evan envelopes already addressed and stamped to them so that it would be as easy as possible for him to write to them when he is ready. Hopefully he will get to them before they call me.

Oh...but his mother. He will not want to talk to his mother. He accepts her calls, but has never made an attempt to communicate with her.

We were out last night and there was a message from the prison on the answering machine. The same recorded message I have heard so often.

"If you wish to accept this call and the charges, press 1. If you wish to have more information about how much this call with cost, press 3. If you wish to refuse this call, press 5. If you do not want to receive any more calls from this institution again, press 7."

Press 7....Press 7...Press 7....

I guess it was a good thing that I was not home last night.

I think I will call the social worker and ask her to tell Evan's mother something...anything...I don't want to talk to her.

Evan's mom

Evan's mother called him yesterday.

Whenever I pick up the phone and get that automated message asking us if we will accept a call from the prison I am tempted simply to hang up. I don't. I ask Evan if he wants to speak to his mother. He says yes. I push "1," hand over the phone and smile. A while later he will be finding me to talk.

There are re-occurring themes in these conversations. Mom's basic message has been that Evan owes her. After all, it is his fault that she is in prison and his sisters are separated from their mother. Given his enormous debt to her and her extreme need he should visit, send books, and even send money.

When he talks about it he says he knows he is being manipulated, but he doesn't know what he wants to do. Should he visit her? Maybe he could send her a book. It was troubling, but he had some emotional distance and perspective. He would think about sending her things, but he never did.

Yesterday though...she has a whole new angle. She was upset over the death of Evan's cousin. She told Evan how horrible it would be if anything happened to him or his sisters. She said she was going to be on her best behavior so she could get out quickly and be with them all again. Then she told him that if she didn't get money soon she would loose her storage locker where she had all the precious photographs of her children.

He went right out and got the money order.

It hurts so to watch him go through this. He wants his mother to say that she loves him. He wants her to say that she knows it was her responsibility to protect him from his abuser, not his to hide the abuse. He wants her to be sorry for choosing his abuser over him. He told me that his cousin's death really shook her up.

He wants to believe that the death of his cousin has produced a life-changing epiphany. Her priorities will suddenly turn around and she will be the mother that he knows she can be.

Last night he had a nightmare.

Next: Codeine Problem