Negative Energy Still Here

So I'm still in this strange emotional place. The relevant details are this:

Evan did something that hurt someone I don't even know. I don't think he set out to hurt anyone, but he did. I have responded to it in a way that I and my husband, and others who know all the details, feel is appropriate to Evan, particularly considering his age. I honestly believe that I have done everything that I should and everything that would be helpful. The rest is up to him. He can learn from this or not. Though I have been, I think, acting naturally with him, he has been avoiding me. This may, or may not, be an indication of an appropriate level of regret/shame regarding what he had done.

And I want to yell at him like a recovering alcoholic wants a drink.

At every level I know it would be a bad thing. Though the intial burst of energy would feel so good. I could take this negativity inside me and throw it out at him and that moment would be a release. I would enjoy it.

But like an addict I know it wouldn't be just one outburst. It would escalate. It would turn ugly. I would end up in a place where I did not like myself. I would not have helped him.

I could tell myself that it would be for Evan's own good. That he needs to know just how bad what he has done really is. Except I know that he already knows that. Or at least I don't think that there is anything I could do that would be more helpful than what I have done. But even if it were true, I know that I don't want to instigate drama between us because it would help him.

I want it because I want to dump this negative energy. I want to throw it out into the world.

Yep. I am so very like a recovering alcoholic. I walked through a bar yesterday. I ordered a club soda and left. My husband is proud of me. "You did the right thing" he says. I know he is right. But I stand here on the sidewalk, looking at the bar thinking, "G-d, I want a drink."

It would be so easy.