Monday, June 18, 2007

I'm not helping

I appreciate the kind words and even suggestions for helping Faye.

I'm staying detached from her though. She is here for a two-week respite. She is turning 18 in August and determined to move out. Those of you who have done foster care for kids that age know that trying to convince one of them to reconsider moving out is like trying to turn back and avalanche. I might try if she was placed with me, but she isn't.

Evan has actually been the one to point out to her the advantages of staying ("free rent, food, everything, why would you walk away from that?") and the difficulty of finishing high school any other way.

Hubby and I were tempted to offer our house as a placement for her senior year. But that was before the bad-boy boyfriend pulled his stunt. It is just as well. Brian has a hard time with people leaving and he does not need for two people to go at the same time. Also, we promised Andrew that he would be the only senior in the house next year "It's not that I want to be the center of attention, Mom. It's just that last year is so stressful and there's only so much we all can take." That would sound like a lame cover for wanting to be the center of attention if it came from just about anyone else, but Andrew is the observer of the household and he is right.

We have stuck to our guns about Bad-Boy having to stay in the backyard and Faye not leaving with him. She has been remarkably accepting. She asked if he could come in and take a shower yesterday and we said no, although I have allowed him supervised visits to the toilet (well, not supervised IN the bathroom). Earlier she asked if they could hang out with his friends. Inside I was laughing hysterically and saying, "Are you INSANE? OF COURSE NOT!" Fortunately I realized that she was almost certainly asking because he asked her to ask and so I said quietly, "Given what happened last week, I don't think that would be appropriate."

And Faye accepts these decisions. She knows it is the best she is likely to get. She is able to see him because I will let him into the back yard. There is every reason to think that when she goes back to her current placement any contact will be close to impossible. That is likely good for her and him. Total separation is too difficult for us to pull off. We live in his neighborhood and it would be too easy for her to sneak out.

Andrew is right; we do need to insist on not-a-senior next time around. Those last six months before emancipation are so difficult.

Andrew will be 18 in October. I cannot imagine him moving out, and neither can he.

I like older teens, but this time around, I think I could deal with starting with a 14-year-old. I want one who is not already counting the months to their 18th birthday.


  1. In a way I think you are helping. You are considering for her wanting to see this guy and in the same time you protect your family because you don't trust him and you tell her why. I think you get her respect for that and therefore you opinion of the guy might matter in the future wen she needs to find courage to step out of this.

  2. well that was not good english Ineed a coffee. I'm not a native speaker so that happens sometimes! Sorry..


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