Friday, December 01, 2006

What if he goes and never comes back?

The respite girls come and go. Even those (except Ann of course) that I have got close to I do not have trouble letting go of.

Miss E will leave and never look back. If I see her again it will be entirely by accident. My place in her life, as in the lives of all the respite girls, is comparable, at most, to that of a teacher they liked or was helpful to them. They will be happy to run into me and they just might make an attempt to say hello, but not likely. I feel completely at peace with that. That is all I ever intended to be to them.

Carl and David don't have family, or don't have family they are connected to. Even if I don't hear from them for months I do not worry about it. They will call eventually. Even if it turns out that Carl no longer lives where he was living, I know he will call.

Evan is unique for me (even from Ann). I invested my heart with Evan, like and unlike the ways I did with Carl and David. And Evan has Family; the kind of Family you spell with a capital F. They are not his birth family; they are his family.

I am thrilled, I really, really am that he has them. I think it is wonderful that he and his mom are tentatively reaching out and connecting. I am so very thankful that I work for an agency that has the money and good sense to offer to buy him a plane ticket so that he can re-connect to brothers he has not seen in years. I want to hug each and every one of his half sister's family who don't care if he is no longer even related to them by marriage. When he leaves it will be his grandmother, his ex-step-father's mother, who will store his boxes and, when he comes home from Scotland, it will be to her house he will go to stay while he figures out his next step.

They are wonderful people and it is wonderful that Evan has them.

But it means he doesn't need me.

But what if he leaves and never comes back? What if he doesn't stay in touch?

I want to say, "Don't be silly. Of course he will." But that is not true. There is no "of course." As he moves on will I become just the foster mother who took care of him for a little more than a year? That woman who used to yell at him for not doing the dishes who had the boys he never really got along with?

What if he never comes back?

3 comments:

  1. I think it's time for a really old and worn-out cliche.

    THE ORIGINAL VERSION: If you love something, Set it free... If it comes back, it's yours, If it doesn't, it never was yours....

    THE PESSIMIST VERSION: If you love somebody, Set him free ... If he ever comes back, he's yours, If he doesn't, well, as expected, he never was.

    THE OPTIMIST VERSION: If you love somebody, Set him free ... Don't worry, he will come back.

    THE SUSPICIOUS VERSION: If you love somebody, Set him free ... If he ever comes back, ask him why.

    THE IMPATIENT VERSION: If you love somebody, Set him free ... If he doesn't comes back within some time limit, forget him.

    THE PATIENT VERSION: If you love somebody, Set him free ... If he doesn't come back, continue to wait until he comes back ...

    THE PLAYFUL VERSION: If you love somebody, Set him free ... If he comes back, and if you love him still, set him free again, repeat

    THE LAWYER'S VERSION: If you love somebody, Set him free... Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Foster Parent Freedom Act clearly states that...

    THE BILL GATES VERSION: If you love somebody, Set him free... If he comes back, I think we can charge him for re-installation fees and tell him that he's also going to get an upgrade.

    THE STATISTICIAN'S VERSION:: If you love somebody, Set him free... If he loves you, the probability of him coming back is high If he doesn't, your relationship was improbable anyway.

    THE POSSESSIVE VERSION: If you love somebody don't ever set him free.

    THE MBA VERSION: If you love somebody set him free... instantaneously... and look for others simultaneously.

    THE PSYCHOLOGIST'S VERSION: If you love somebody set him free... If he comes back, him super ego is dominant If he doesn't come back, his id is supreme. If he doesn't go, he must be crazy.

    THE FINANCE EXPERT VERSION: If you love somebody set him free... If he comes back, its time to look for fresh loans. If he doesn't, write him off as an asset gone bad.

    THE MARKETING VERSION: If you love somebody set him free... If he comes back, he has brand loyalty If he doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.

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  2. beth,
    as possessive and attached as evan is to you, you haven't seen or heard the last of him!!

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  3. I think he will come back, but if he doesn't you will have the knowledge that he has a part of you to take with him wherever he goes. The world will have a better person because Evan had you.

    I once asked a foster mom how she could do what she did. How could she love and care for little children and then watch them go back to places where they were not loved and cared for like she did?
    She said she did it on faith. She could do it because she had faith that love was good. That any amount of love they got was good for them. That because she loved them they would know in their souls that they were lovable and worthy of love. Evan has that now.

    ReplyDelete

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