Little Decisions
I keep pausing over little decisions.
Should I reduce our Netfl*x account to four-at-a-time? We have one for each member of the household and now that Evan is gone we don't need five. None of us need to be getting two movies at the same time, and we get billed on the 28th of each month. So maybe I should bring us down to four. But then what if they call about a new kid soon? I would just have to go right back again.
Should take over the desk in what is now the guest room? The room feels so cold and hollow right now. It would be good to get some stuff in it, and it would be nice to have a place to be alone. But what if they call us soon?
Should I get the new quilt done in a hurry?
Should I get posters out of the closet to put on the wall so the room won't look so empty?
I actually went to see how long it has been in the past between a kid leaving and getting the next call, as though that means anything. (It averaged 10 weeks, by the way).
None of these are big decisions. None of them really matter or would be difficult to undo. They are little things, and I can't seem to make a decision.
Before I have always settled in, made decisions based upon the assumption that it would be six months or more. It never was.
The thing is, I am enjoying it just being the four of us for a while. I hope we get at least a month or two. So I don't want them to call just yet. On the other hand, I hate waiting.
I wish they could say, "We will be calling you about a kid on Feb 15."
The waiting is, most definitely, the hardest part. And, like you, it wasn't even so much the waiting as it was the not knowing.
ReplyDeleteWe found it impossible to make plans or to commit to much of anything because we had no idea when we'd have a child, or what circumstances the child would bring. We didn't know, and it drove us crazy.
I think the next time we are in-between placements (if there is indeed a next time) we'll assume we aren't going to have a placement and just go about our business. We'll make plans, do our thing, and not worry about the when so much.
Of course that's easy to say in the abstract. Having an empty room and a quiet(er) house changes everything.