Saturday, August 26, 2006


Monday the kids go back to school.

We are moving into the last leg of Evan's time with us. He will always be part of our lives, or at least he will be welcome to be. I don't know what he will choose. Unlike the other two boys he has other family. He will have an open invitation for Thanksgiving and Christmas there. So I hope he stays in touch, and we will always be prepared to have him around, but he may drift away.

Be that as it may, he will be moving out by January. I have already shared the anxieties I feel about whether everything will go as smoothy as they are supposed to.

But whether the next four months go smoothly, they will pass and he will move out.

So I am in that phase where I am dealing with that reality. So is he, of course.

There is the very real danger that we will start fighting with each other. It is a very typical human thing. He is terrified of living on his own. He likes us and does not want to leave. He can feel those emotions, or he can get frustrated and angry with me. Those are safer emotions. They are more familiar and feel powerful. Getting angry at me can make it easier to leave. Instead of thinking about how frightened he is, he can think about how he had GOT to get out of here.

So I am on guard for that.

My way of coping, of avoiding the feelings of loss, is to look past them. I am finding myself wondering what the next kid will be like. How long will it take them to find that special kid that will fit our special family? What are the chances they will bring us a girl rather than a boy? How old will he or she be? Should I start on a new quilt top now? I've never made a log cabin quilt. How much fabric would it take? I wonder how much of my left over fabric I could use...

But I know what I am doing. Evan is going to leave about four months. I am going to miss him horribly. Between now and then will be his birthday, Andrew's birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and then Christmas. It will fly by.

Soon he will leave.

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