Sunday, August 06, 2006

So we decided to talk to him about it...

In retrospect I don't know why we did, but we did.

I told him that the guitar was a very generous gift. He said he was happy to buy it. I told him though that I wanted him to know that the older boys were trying really, really hard not to be jealous. Hubby added, "...but it does bother them."

Grandpa chuckled and said, "Well, just tell them that Brian has a really great Grandpa."

Oh no I will not. What a hurtful thing to even think about telling them. "Brian is the one with the generous Grandpa...the two of you, well you're SOL."

He went on to talk about the guitar and how he thought that Brian would probably get a lot of good use out of it.

Hubby and I left the conversation there. I don't know if we said too little or too much or just enough. In any case it brings back that bad taste in my mouth, an echo of all the pain of childhood.

At four:
"Dad my foot hurts."
"Well hop on the other one and crow like a rooster."

At 12:
Me crying, asking if we could please not talk about whether I was too fat, or too moody, or too...
"You are too sensitive. Stop crying."

At 14:
"Dad, every time I see you I end up crying. I just can't do this anymore. It hurts so much I think about just not visiting."
"If that's the way you feel, then don't come."

At 15:
"You know, we haven't spoken for a year. I was thinking that maybe we should."
"Um...because you're my father."
Later, at the park, before I can say anything, "I want you to know I forgive you. It hurt; it hurt so much when you walked out on me; when you said you didn't want to see me anymore, but I forgive you."
"You told me to go."
"I gave you a choice!"
"You said 'If that's the way you feel, don't come.'"
"That's right! I said IF."

So who knows. Maybe he will decide to hand the big boys money. Maybe he will just leave. He certainly won't say, "Boys, I know it is hard not to feel jealous when I bought something like that for Brian, but I want you to know, if there is every something that's really important to you that you need a little help with, you can ask me."

He will certainly not understand how he hurts everyone by playing favorites like this.

I think if it were just Brian and Andrew I would not be this upset. Earlier in the summer I did ask my father if he would pay for an expensive calculator that Andrew needed for a class. It is not as cool or as expensive as the electric bass, but Andrew knows that if he ever wants something in particular he can ask and Grandpa will probably come through.

Evan, who knows about the calculator, does not have that knowledge. This incident says to him, "You are not a real member of the family."


  1. It isn't fair and it's all too common in non-traditional families.

  2. christine8:00 AM

    That sucks. I am hurting for Evan.


Comments will be open for a little while, then I will be shutting them off. The blog will stay, but I do not want either to moderate comments or leave the blog available to spammers.