Sunday, October 12, 2008

I got angry

I don't know if one of us was in the right. I don't feel a big need to hash out all the details, but I thought I would give you the outline.

Thursday afternoon I asked Gary about his school clothes. He said they were fine but that the blacks sweats were a little small, and indicated that they were short. I asked if they were tight or just short. He said just short. I said, "Are they acceptable for PE class? I mean, can you use them, or do you really need new ones?" He said they were acceptable and I said good because I had just sent the receipt to the agency.

Last night Roland was running errands and I called to ask him to bring home some grocery essentials (chocolate) and he said sadly that the only black sweats he could find for Gary were outrageously expensive. We had the expected conversation: he said he didn't need new ones; he told me he did; the sweats cost how much? Did you actually buy them? He had. Anyway, I was irritated. I was irritated because Gary hadn't told me that he needed new pants, that he once again went behind my back to ask Roland something when he didn't get the answer he wanted from me, and that Roland didn't talk to me when Gary asked. All of this was especially frustrating as I had been sending in the receipts, am far over budget on clothes, and had told the social worker I was done. I had spoke to Roland about this, or at least made conversation about it, but he doesn't listen. And I was angry because I wasn't a terrible mean person. Why didn't Gary just tell me that he needed the damn pants?

So I stewed for a while. When Roland came home I quarrelled with him. He said he was sorry that he didn't talk to me. I stomped around. Everything is wrapped up in everything else. Roland spending patterns are a hot-button issue for me, as you know.

Eventually I confronted Gary. I told him that it made me angry that he didn't tell me the truth, that he went behind my back, etc., etc. He responded with "yes, ma'am" and "no ma'am" until I went away...then he went to his room.

I gave myself some time to calm down and then went to talk to Gary. I told him that I didn't like for the day end with the last thing I said being angry. I asked if we could talk. I calmly told him that I really was confused about why he didn't talk to me to about the sweats. He told me that he had a hard time asking women for things, and talked a little bit about his difficult relationships with his aunt and his step mother. Anyway, we spoke about it and I ended up telling him that it was just okay if he wanted to talk to Roland when he needed things. Our conversation was longer than that, but that was the most important part.

When we were done I went to give him a hug and he hugged back pretty hard. He joked about how short I am (I'm not). I tried standing on my tip toes while hugging him and he laughed and tried to hold me down. The hug ended with us both laughing.


  1. That's a pretty perceptive observation of his - why it's harder for him to ask women, I mean. Hopefully that's something that will get easier with time.

  2. what sarsmile said. also, i'm impressed that 1, he not only knew that about himself but also was able to articulate it, and 2, that he was comfortable enough to explain it to you when you asked him. at his age, i know i wouldn't have been able to.


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