Insanely angry

Well...it was a crazy afternoon.

I called the rehab center to make certain that my email letters were getting through. I had a very strange conversation with the staff member there. In the past he had always been very friendly, told me how Evan was doing and then said I could call back anytime. This time he did not seem to want to talk to me at all. He did finally tell me that Evan had been talking about wanting to graduate but that they and his social worker had been making it pretty clear that he needed to concentrate on recovery. (Update: earlier I was sure that the person I talked to on Thursday was the same person as before. I am no longer certain that is the case).

I got pretty upset (though not until after I hung up the phone). I was angry that I was being shut out. It probably was just that Evan is 18 and the staff remembers that there are confidentiality rules when things are not going so well. But it triggered all my foster-parent anxiety about not being considered a real part of Evan's life.

I was so angry. I was angry at the guy at the center for not wanting to talk to me; angry at Evan for (apparently) wanting to walk away without going through the program; angry because he was still in the "black out" period and I could not yell at him; angry because I had this whole plan in mind about using the time he was gone to get my self together and he was threatening to take that away. JUST PLAIN FURIOUS.

I wrote an email to the center telling them that Evan had been dis-enrolled from high school – it was not possible for him to complete the semester that he started. I told them that I would not let him come home unless he “graduated” from the program.

I also wrote an encouraging letter to Evan; telling him that I was not going to give away his room, that he could stay here as long as he needed to finish, and that I had faith in his ability to do the program.

It’s funny…I was SO mad. I called my sponsor and talked. In the end I realized that all that had happened was that Evan expressed concern about not graduating on time. He most likely believes that graduating on time is still possible, if he were to get back now. None of us have told him, in so many words, that he has already passed the point of no return.

So he said he wanted to graduate and I turned that into giving up, walking away, destroying all our plans, messing up my life.

Sometimes the level of my own insanity amazes me…won’t Cubbie Girl be glad to hear that?