It's like drowning...

I just watched the first couple of episodes of Wonderfalls on DVD. I have ordered the whole set.

For those of you (like me) who did not catch any of the four (4!) episodes that were aired before the series was cancelled (there were 13 made, all available on DVD), it is about a 20-something, detached young woman, Jaye, who starts being told by animal figurines to do things. She worries that she's crazy, but the figurines keep her up all night singing until she does whatever she is being ordered to do. Sometimes the orders are pretty bizarre like "Break the tail light." In the end though her actions set off chains of events that make things better.

In the first episode she has a conversation with someone about surrendering to destiny. He tells her that if it is destiny, perhaps we should surrender to it. Life is a whole lot simpler once you stop fighting and just go with it.

"It's a lot like drowning that way." Jaye replies.

It is interesting because I am, metaphorically speaking, sitting on Step Three's porch. Step Three is (re-written to be consistent with my understanding of a higher power): Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of the divine stillness.

Now I am not too bad at turning over other people and things. I began to find that peace
with respect to Evan a little while ago. I will love him wherever he is and hope that he comes back here. I will not obsess over what I cannot control.

Turning over my will and my life though...well...that's something else.

I like my will. I like feeling in control of my own life.

Officially my sponser and I have agreed that I am going to take a little break before "working" this step. That's fine...still...I think about it, and I feel like Jaye. Her descriptions of herself keep floating through my head:

"The universe's butt puppet"
"Fate's bitch."

Jaye keeps trying to resist. When the rooster tells her to "destroy Gretchen" she decides that she really can't. A friend tells her to defy the chicken. She tries. She comes back.

"I defied the chicken."
"How'd it go?"
"I may have killed a man."
"So...not as well as we hoped."

Right now...I feel like Jaye. I look at Step Three and think: I will defy the chicken.

Hope no one dies.