Miss E's Story

Miss E is one of the youth for whom I have often provided respite. She shows up in a lot of my posts, and I thought that I would link together those posts. It is not quite like the other "story" series though. As her respite provider, Miss E tends to pop into my life during transitions and other times of trouble. The long stretches of time in between are not documented.

I want to say first, since I only decided to do this now (December 24, 2006) in many of the posts I do re-introduce her. It may be repetitive to read them all at once.

Second...let me here give the beginning of my time with her.

It was the summer of 2005. I regularly take one or two girls for Mandy for a week or two during the summer. Miss E was fairly new at her house, and when Mandy first asked me to take her she said that Miss E had a lot of anger, but would not be a problem for me. When she dropped her off she said that she just found out that the hearing regarding Miss E's adoption was scheduled for the middle of the week and that Mandy hated leaving Miss E right now. Mandy left me with a lot of phone numbers.

Miss E worried a lot about the hearing. She was angry. She was there with Georgia, which helped. They seemed to have a good relationship.

Georgia has a bad knee and in the middle of the week she dislocated it. I drove her to trauma clinic and Miss E became very protective of her. She had to help Georgia; I could not. Privately Georgia told me that though Miss E's attentions were a little over-whelming she thought it was keeping her distracted and she did not mind.

A couple days later Miss E found out from her social worker that she (Miss E) was not allowed to go to the hearing on her adoption. Miss E was furious. She wanted to tell the judge about how horrible these people were. She called everyone she could think of. She threatened to force her way in. She told me over and over that she would hurt herself, run away, do whatever she had to do if they made her go back.

Later her social worker came to our house to tell her that her parents had decided to terminate the adoption. The social worker told me that she expected that this would be difficult for Miss E. I realize now that Miss E had a different sort of scene in mind. She had imagined telling the judge how horrible the mother was. The judge would be shocked and sympathetic. Her mother would cry, and Miss E would be vindicated. Instead her mother and father decided to leave her.

Later she asked to make a phone call. She called another girl from the family, her soon-to-be-ex-adoptive sister, to ask if she would still be a bride's maid. Not surprisingly the girl laid into her. She called Miss E a b*tch, said that she had ruined the best thing that ever happened to her. The conversation went on and on. Miss E got progressively more upset. I finally went to her and said softly, "You need to tell her you have to get off the phone now. Tell her I said you have to hang up." I had to say it a couple of times.

Miss E went into her room and Georgia followed her. Georgia came out saying she was really worried. Miss E had hurt herself in the past and she had never been this upset. Miss E came out in her running clothes and said that she wanted to go for a run. I told her that I understood and that I would drive her to the Y, pay for admission, and she could run on their indoor track. She said she needed to run now. I told her that I was worried; that if Georgia were not hurt I would ask her to go along, but that I did not feel safe letting her be alone right now. She insisted. I asked her if she could promise not to run away and not to hurt herself. "No. I can't promise anything. I don't know what I will do."

"Then I can't let you go."

"I'm going."

"If you leave, I will have to call you in as a runaway."

"Okay." She hugged Georgia (unusual behavior for her) and said, "Goodbye" and left. I called the police. They looked for her, but she came back 45 minutes later, before they were able to find her.

I tried to comfort her, but she did not want to talk to me. Georgia did talk to her and again expressed concern. I considered driving her to the emergency room. Miss E came out and asked if she could talk to Mandy's older daughter. I said yes and the daughter came over. They talked for a long time. I left them alone for a while and later came back in and told Miss E that I was worried about her. Did she think she would hurt herself? "I don't want to right now, but I don't know how I will feel later." She also did not want to be taken to the hospital. Mandy's daughter asked her if she could promise to ask for help if she started to feel like hurting herself. She said that if she knows that when she feels that way she is not able to ask for help.

I asked, "Could you push a button?"

"What?"

"Could you promise to push a button? I can program my cell phone so that [Mandy's daughter] is on speed dial. If you wanted to talk to her, you could call her. If you felt like hurting yourself and couldn't talk, all you would have to do was push the button. If she gets a call from my cell phone number and you don't say anything she will call me."

We agreed that if Miss E made a silent call, Mandy's daughter would call me, and I would sit with Miss E until Mandy got there. Mandy's daughter even said that if it were at all possible she would use a different line and not hang up on Miss E.

Miss E agreed. She could promise that if she felt like hurting herself she would push the button on my cell. I programed it. Mandy's daughter assigned a special ring and we demonstrated. I gave Miss E my cell phone. She carried it around the rest of her stay (three days) and never made a call. She seemed to feel stronger and safer.

And that was my first respite experience with Miss E.

She and Georgia came over for a weekend in the fall and again for New Year's, when Mandy traditionally leaves to visit her adult children.

She was also here with Georgia when Evan was detoxing before going to rehab.

And then came the blow out in April.

The Respite Kids

The Respite Kids

I never kept a record of the kids who have been here on respite, but I thought I would try to remember as many as I could. This record is mostly for me, but maybe some of you will be interested...

Ann: started as a respite, but was placed with us for a while.

Bella: came with one of the "Christy's" when Carl still lived with us. She fell asleep on the floor and Christy and Carl put make-up on her face. That would not have been such a big deal, except that she was allergic and woke up with quite a rash. We saw her often. She was the one who overheard Ann yelling at Hubby and informed Carl of what was going on the next day at Job Corps. She is now married with a small baby. First visit: summer 2000.

Christy: The name I will give in retrospect to cover 3 to 5 (?) girls who came for just one weekend anywhere from 2001-2005.

Debra: A very responsible young woman who did very well at Mandy’s. She appreciated the structure and lived there for several years. First visit: 2001.

X: A boy who spent one weekend with us and whose brother stole Andrew’s handheld gaming system. (I actually think he was in on the plot and I don’t want to give him a real name.) Only visit: Spring 2005

Miss E – A girl who came for the first time in early 2006. She has come for respite on multiple occasions. I drove her to school during the 06-07 school year. Post on her start here.

Faye: a girl who at first was sullen and pouty who blossomed under Mandy’s care. Her aunt got licensed and Faye lived with her for perhaps two years. She visited here first in 2004 and was back in June 2007 for two weeks. Click the label "Faye" for posts from those two weeks, bad boyfriend and all.

Georgia (previously “N”): a young woman dear to all our hearts. Everyone’s favorite. She surprised everyone by fighting with Mandy and landing herself in detention for a couple of months. Is currently living on her own, working, and hoping to start college. First visit Spring 06. I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII

Helene (previously “T”): a girl for whom I did respite while her foster sister had a baby, and then did day care for in the summer of 2006. She was moved to a residential facility and has run away. I, II, III

Irene (previously V): frightened girl of perhaps 13 who came with Miss E the night Georgia hit Mandy. She was moved quickly. I remember thinking that Miss E was not good for her.

Jackie: Young woman who came in October 2006 for a long weekend. Presents as responsible and dependable, but comes with a warning label. She and Evan know each other from the teen shelter. Jackie did really well, stayed with Mandy until her after 18th birthday and is now (May 2007) transitioning into independence. I, II, III (and many more, search or click on Jackie label).

Kellie (previously S): Young woman who stayed for a while in June 2006.

Linda, a young woman who almost stayed with us in Nov 2006 when Mandy took her foster sister Jackie to a family funeral. I had her for an evening and had to take her to a teen shelter because her social worker said my license wasn't good enough. The social worker later apologized and said that I could have taken her.

Maria, a 17-year old who came with very little notice when she got out of detention (November 2006). I, II, III, IV

Nancy, a 16 year old who joined us suddenly after a blow-out with another respite provider.

Olivia & Pam, who came together in May 2007. Olivia is Mandy's neice, Mandy being the woman for whom I most often provide respite. As of January 2008, Mandy is hoping to get legal guardianship of her and her younger sister, Sara.

Quiana and Rhonda, who came together in June of 2007. Rhonda suffered from a severe case of princess syndrome.

Sara, Olivia's younger sister who came with Olivia for the first time for New Year (08). Sara was just eleven, very young for me.

I got a call from "E"

E is the girl who stayed here for a bit while people were hoping she would decide to go back to my friend.

She called tonight. She is still living at the teen shelter home. She got the afghan* that I knitted for her and likes it very much. She would like to know if I would get her yearbook and the photographs she took in photography class from the high school. I told her to call the school and ask them to give them to Andrew and I would.

I am glad that she called. She said that she is being brought into the program for which I work and they are trying looking at getting one of her aunts or uncles licensed to care for her. The agency has got more aggressive about pursuing that route when they can. They are in the happy position of being able to help people overcome some of the obstacles. In our case they paid for materials to wall off part of the rec room so that we would have another bedroom.

She told me that Georgia is out of detention. She did not tell me where she is living, but did say where she is working, so I may send her a card.

Losing kids track of kids is one of the things I like least about doing this. Having them call me out of the blue is one of the things I like best.


*I meant to take a picture of the afghan before sending it to her so that I could post it. I let her pick out the yarn and it is in stripes of vibrant green, pink, and blue. Truly one of the ugliest things I have ever knitted. Usually when I knit in public people, even some strangers, ask to see it and say how pretty it is. I had this in public plenty and not one adult looked twice.

Next: Driving Miss E

Where the girls are

Georgia is in detention and will be for a while. Everyone, her foster mom, the director of the program she is in, her social worker, the other social workers in the department, is sad and angry and frustrated. In order to understand the level of anguish you have to understand how high the expectations were for her. She was the one who was going to go to college. She was the one who was going to make it.

Irene is off at the teen shelter home. It is actually a very friendly, safe space. It is in a regular house in a regular neighborhood. There are always two adult staff people there who are well-trained, kind, and rested. They always go home after their shift and sleep.

E is staying with me for until Sunday. Her social worker wants to send her back to Mandy's. It should be a good idea. Mandy wants her. Miss E though is not happy about the idea at all.

E. is a deeply hurt young woman. She was adopted for a while. The first time she was in our house she was saying that she was sure her social worker was going to make her go back to her adoptive parents. That was wrong because they are horrible, abusive, terrible people. If they sent her back she would just runaway again. She would start cutting herself again. She would commit suicide. The day of the hearing she was on the phone to everyone she could think of yelling because she was not invited to go to the hearing. She was a teenager; she had a right to be there; she needed to tell the judge how awful these people were; the other kids in the home should be removed and she was the only one who understood how much danger they were in. She had to tell the judge that she would rather die then go back.

It turned out that she was not invited because the adoptive parents were being give permission to let her go. Apparently there was much shedding of tears, and then they agreed.

Almost right away E. started telling everyone that she knew they did not love her. If they loved her they would have fought for her.

Now E. is doing the same thing with Mandy. Mandy's daughter and young grandchildren live there. E is saying that someone should make social services see how horrible Mandy is. The grandchildren need to be rescued. I heard her complain to someone one the phone, "I keep telling people but no one believes me. Just because she has been doing foster care for 30 years and everyone likes her. They all believe her and not me."

Yep. We all believe her and not you. I have been doing respite for her for 6 years. I have got to know at least eight other girls who live there. I have heard their stories of the "terrible things" that Mandy has done. Mandy is human just like the rest of us and she has sometimes said things she should not have said. We definitely make different judgments regarding when it is best to attempt to restrain a tantruming child and when to allow her to throw things and wear herself out. (To be fair, I'm a coward. I'm just going to lock myself and all non-tantruming kids in a room and call 911. Forget that restraint stuff. I took the class because they said I had to, but I told them then I wasn't using it.)

E's stories just don't make sense. They don't correspond to even the worse things that other kids have said about her. It is deeply sad because sometime E. really could be in danger.

If I detach myself far enough I can have a lot of sympathy for E. I can get furious at whatever happened to her to make her so damaged. I know though that she is out of my league. Her social worker asked if I would consider taking her if she got into the program. I didn't even pause before saying, "No."

The social worker asked if I could tell her why. (It is not like me to answer in the negative quickly).

"Let's just call it an extreme case of 'failure to bond.'"

The social worker sighed, "That happens a lot with E."

Next on Miss E

Feeling sad for Georgia

I finally got a chance to stop and think about Georgia I got a chance to cry and rage a little.

Apparently she hit her foster mother (my friend Mandy). The blow, or what she did around it, was enough to land her in juvenille detention.

This behavior is so contrary to everything I know about her. I know a young, beautiful, thoughtful, smart, calm, mature woman. She is also terrified.

We talked about it several times when she was visiting me last week. She is turning 18 the beginning of July. There are services and there are people who will try to help her, but she will be expected to be an adult. She was planning on going to college in the fall. She was going to live in the dorms. Mandy was going to let her stay with them through the summer, even if she was 18. She needed to get a job, save money, and then step out into the world.

But she was panicked, and terrified.

And now it looks like she has chosen the security of the justice system instead of adulthood.

I hope not. I hope it is just a bump in her road.

Another respite

There was another blow-out at Mandy's. I don't know exactly what happened. I probably won't ever know.

However Georgia. is in the detention center and Miss E. and Irene are over here for the night.

We got a call a couple of hours ago from the social worker who said that Miss E and Irene were refusing to go back inside the house and she did not know where to take them tonight. "There are so few places to take girls. Everyone else in the area who will do respite already has boys in the house."

I did not point out that I in fact do have boys. Evan is not here at the moment, but she has said the same thing to me when he was here. What she means of course is that I do not have any boys who are sexual threats to the girls. That is true. Neither Evan nor Andrew presents any risk to them, though for different reasons.

E is the young woman with whom I just don't connect. It odd, because I usually really like the girls, even the ones that I can't stand. E just rubs me the wrong way. Irene is just 13 and short for her age. I think she is fairly new. She is over-whelmed and tearful. I think she has no idea what happened.

They are supposed to just be here for one night, but that is subject to change. Tomorrow their individual case workers will be contacted and they will decide whether to send them back to Mandy or try to put them into one of the group homes.

I don't know what happened, but I am pretty confident that it happened because the girls fed off of each other. Wouldn't it be a wonderful world if there were enough foster families so that every kid who needed to be an only child could be?

Next on Miss E

Three days not alone

My three days with Georgia were interesting and good. She is, by the way, is the same person who tried to help me make tamales a while back.

She is also a recovering addict.

I made a lot of tasteless jokes with my sponsor and counselor about it. You see, I had worried about whether the strides I have been making in the 12-step program was really going to "stick." I mean, it is easy to pretend to have a "let go" and only worry about my own problems when no one around me has a lot of problems. How could I know if I was ready. I told my sponsor that I wished there was a way to practice.

Ha!

I wanted practice and so the universe sent me Georgia for three days. The universe sent her at that particular point because she was going to get one piece of terrible news after another. She needed to be in a quiet house while she dealt with it, and I after all, had actually said that I wanted to practice staying calm while a recovering addict was stressing out in my house.

I am pleased to report that we both seemed to have come through it fine. I got my practice and I really do feel more confident of my ability to breathe deep and remain calm.

Georgia has it tougher though. I think it was good for her to have several days of quiet.

I hope so.

First evening not alone & report from the boys

Note: I published three posts at once. It would be best to read them in order...so scroll down because this one is third.

So...careful what you wish for and all that.

Actually Georgia is fine. She is going to be 18 in a couple of months, and kids all melt down shortly before emancipation. Though Mandy sometimes works out exceptions, she normally does not allow kids to stay past their 18th birthday. It is not that she wants them to go (well, it is not always that she wants them to go), but there are great big kinks in the system that do this.

Anyway, Georgia is a candidate for staying at least through the summer even though she will be 18. The problem is that she does not have a job and is not looking for one. She is not in school anymore either (finished her GED program). Georgia does not understand that Mandy cannot allow her to stay if she is not working and saving money. (I have to write a whole post about emancipation problems in the system, at least here.) So Mandy says they are beginning to fight and Georgia is undermining her with the other girls.

Georgia says that Mandy wants her to be independent, but then tells her what to do. Then Georgia asks me if she can spend today hanging with her friend. Georgia clearly is hearing "indepenent" (meaning do what I want) when Mandy is saying "responsible".

Georgia also says that the case worker recommended that they take a break from each other. Georgia said she was relieved when Mandy said she was coming here. I agreed. If she wanted to punish her she could have sent her many other places. Instead she sent her to a place where she knew she was loved and comfortable. I could not resist pointing that out to Georgia. "Even when Mandy is pissed at you she was still thinking about what was best for you." Georgia agreed and after a couple of hours called Mandy. They agreed she would go home on Thursday.

All evening Georgia had watering eyes. She wasn't crying though...must have been dust in the air.

--

The boys called. They are visiting college campuses. The first scheduled visit is today. Yesterday they stopped at a wonderful liberal arts college just because it was on the way. They hadn't planned on it because that school is also on Spring break, but they changed their minds and just looked around. They happen to fall in with an official tour, so they got to see a dorm room and computer labs. Andrew was very, very impressed.

Not home alone

I wrote this last evening (Monday) but was interrupted by a phone call and did not get back to it.

****

I was looking forward to 4 days of time alone. I did have things planned: a dinner with a friend; a long phone call with my sponser; finally catching up on my grading; possibly an emotional breakdown; whatever I wanted. I was really looking forward to the emotional breakdown.

I just got a call from a friend who is a foster parent. I'll call her Mandy. She takes teenage girls in the Challenge program. These are girls who have need a high level of care for some sort of behavioral reason. They are chronic runaways or recovering addicts or...you name it. It is a level of care I could not provide. Every door inside the house has a keyed lock. Everything in the house that could possibly be dangerous (razors, kitchen knives, cleaning products) are kept locked in one room. Mandy is really good at running a very structured house. There is a clear system of earned privileges. She doesn't hold grudges. The girls act out, they loose privileges until they earn them back. Most of the girls are pretty motivated. Technically kids are only supposed to be there for 6 months, but some do better there than they have anywhere else and so they stay for a year or two.

They can't go anywhere as a family. There is always at least one girl who will use any public outing as an opportunity to act out. So the only way they can cope with this life is to take regular breaks. I do respite care for them about four times a year. She usually sets things up months in advance.

She also only gives me the easiest of her girls, who are typically also the long-term kids. I end up building a relationship with one or two over the course of a couple of years. I am just about always "auntie" to someone. Right now I am auntie to two girls: Miss E and Georgia. Miss E and I have failed to bond. I get along with her okay. She is not difficult while here, but we just don't connect. Georgia though I have always got along with very well.

Mandy just called. There was an edge in her voice...the sort of sound that is there when you are just barely holding on to sanity.

"Can you take Georgia for a couple of days?"

"You mean starting now."

"Yes."

So much communicated a couple of words. We talked for a little bit. I told her my schedule and asked how much I could leave Georgia alone. We worked it out.

So much for my scheduled emotional breakdown.

Girls & Tamales

We are doing respite care this weekend for Miss E and Georgia. Miss E can be difficult, but while she is here she is friendly and chats, although she never makes eye contact. Georgia's story I don't know...except that she graduated from three rehabs (alcohol, meth, then both together) before her 17th birthday. For the entire time I have known her she has clean & sober, thoughtful and helpful. Her presence has actually been helpful to Evan this weekend. She also has a real-life Mexican American grandmother with whom she has made tamales. Today she is going to help me make them.

We put the corn husks in water to soak last night. I have my first tip for the uninitiated -- those bags of dried husks hold ALOT more than they look. Each little dried up piece will expand to 4 or 5 good size pieces of husks. Currently we have enough husks for a couple hundred tamales. We are planning on making about 2 dozen. Maybe I should go by more pork, make some and freeze them.