How I am feeling

Feeling a bit drained...no emotion very strong but still lots of them...

1. Relieved. So relieved that apparently pushing for TPR is nobody's priority. I wasn't there for the discussion but I don't have any anxiety about that. Also relieved (especially after turning on the news this morning) that even though both agencies are facing budget cuts neither of them let that figure into the guardianship issue. If they had pushed for it I would not have known if they were considering budgets, but gently pushing us towards the most expensive (for them) option pretty clearly indicates that they were NOT worried about saving money.

2. Let down, slightly annoyed. This is minor, but it is there. When I first brought it up with the social worker I wasn't committed to doing anything, just wondering if it was a good idea. She seemed excited too, and now after talking to people she is shifting sides. Rationally, I don't blame her at all. I know she was always cautious and that I am very much responsible for my own emotions. It would have been easier though if she had somehow known the answers to the questions when I first asked them. If she had said in the beginning, "I know you've been hearing that the agency wants to move in that direction, but we really are not there now. If it is really important to you we can try to figure it out, but I'm not sure it is in Gary's best interests." Of course she didn't have that answer for lots of reasons...

3. Feeling peaceful with it, at least for myself. I like working with the agency. I certainly like the degree to which they support the kids and I like that they are there if I need them.

4. Disappointed, cause yeah, it would be exciting.

5. Worried about how to strike the right note with Gary. We can still do this if it is something that he wants. The social workers are striking cautionary notes, but they are not saying no. If it is important to us, we can do it. The thing is it is not so much important to me, and it is difficult for me to get a good read on how important it is to Gary. I think he wants it, but I know he recognizes down-sides. I think for him the biggest worry is that his father would have to be notified and would make trouble, which his father is capable of doing. Right now his dad is the proverbial sleeping dog. I mean no insult by the 'dog' language - I just mean that there are risks to stirring him up and making trouble, specifically making unsubstantiated allegations about us. Of course I think part of Gary is also worried that his dad would NOT get worked up and make trouble. What if he just said, "Yeah sure, take him, I don't care."

Gary also really does want not to be burden to us. I've been meaning to write a post just on this. It comes out in all sorts of little ways, but like I said, another post.

Anyway, we will just let that particular conversation go for a while.

I went into the kitchen last night and made him face me. I told him that he was NOT a burden to us. He said he knew. I hugged him and he hugged back hard.