Talking About Their Parents

It is difficult to know how, precisely, to talk about our children's parents, particularly when we are talking with our children. In general I know what to do: I need to talk respectfully and sympathetically while at the same time supporting the child/youth while he works through his own feelings about what is going on.

I'm having a hard time with that right now. I'm getting pretty angry with Gary's dad. I remind myself that I don't know the whole situation, but I am still angry.

I was irritated when Gary told me that he had spotted his dad's vehicles outside a house. See his dad had told him that the family had moved, but refused to tell him where. Gary isn't allowed to go there, you see, so why would he need the address? Also when he left his youngest siblings were babies and toddlers and they don't even remember him. It would just be confusing for them if, you know, his existence was evidenced by him sending a letter or calling the house.

But I remind myself, what Gary did, did hurt his step-sisters. I cannot and should not judge what boundaries they and their mother need to feel safe. I don't think that Gary is a threat to them, but my perception of reality and, again, wha they need to feel safe are not the same things.

It was irritating because Gary's dad also did not tell the state where he lived and so he never got notices about hearings. He also complained that no one ever told him anything except Gary. (I find this part confusing. Do the letters not get returned? How could social services really not have figured out that he moved?)

Anyway, all of this I could emotionally accept because they still had regular contact. Both had Verizon cell phones and Gary called his dad every other night or so. When his dad was working out of state, Gary knew what time he could expect his dad to be home, alone and awake. Sometimes they would talk for a few minutes. Sometimes for an hour.

And about two weeks ago, Gary's father's cell phone number stopped working. When Gary calls his dad now he gets a message saying that the number is no longer in service.

Which means that there is no way that he can get in touch.

It breaks my heart for him. Gary doesn't want to talk about it much, but when he does I try just to listen and sympathize. I try to communicate to him that what he feels is reasonable. It is okay to be angry. Being cut off like this is not something that he deserves. It shouldn't be this way.

At the same time though it just infuriates me. A couple of months ago he was promising to make a home for Gary. Now he has made it impossible for Gary to contact him.

I'm just angry.