Too Hard

I've been asked to read a list of questions to be asked foster care alumni.

The questions themselves are considered confidential, but I don't think the fact that it exists or will be used or anything like that is.

I'm halfway through and having a PTSD reaction.

This isn't an interview, it's an autoposy of one's soul.

In one section, one in which all my answers would have been "no," I thought, "Wow, this would be tough. I hope the interviewers are well trained."

Then I got the section where I would have had to answer "yes" to several. Some of them made me remember things I hadn't remembered for a long time. One of them made me recategorize an event. "That wasn't really abandonment, was it? My sister was afraid, but I knew the parent was coming back. Is it abandonment if they don't say anything and just walk out and you don't know for sure how long they will be gone? If you don't feel afraid? How about if you realize almost 40 years later that you weren't afraid because you couldn't let yourself be -- because your sister needed you not be afraid? What if it turned out to only be half an hour? Is that abandonment?"

How can I give any sort of approval to this survey? How can I tell them it is okay for them to go out and take inventory of someone's pain?

I feel so awful right now.

And I know what my counselor would say if she were here. She would tell me that I was finally ready to feel the fear I didn't let myself feel 30 some years ago.

I hate this.