Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Too Hard

I've been asked to read a list of questions to be asked foster care alumni.

The questions themselves are considered confidential, but I don't think the fact that it exists or will be used or anything like that is.

I'm halfway through and having a PTSD reaction.

This isn't an interview, it's an autoposy of one's soul.

In one section, one in which all my answers would have been "no," I thought, "Wow, this would be tough. I hope the interviewers are well trained."

Then I got the section where I would have had to answer "yes" to several. Some of them made me remember things I hadn't remembered for a long time. One of them made me recategorize an event. "That wasn't really abandonment, was it? My sister was afraid, but I knew the parent was coming back. Is it abandonment if they don't say anything and just walk out and you don't know for sure how long they will be gone? If you don't feel afraid? How about if you realize almost 40 years later that you weren't afraid because you couldn't let yourself be -- because your sister needed you not be afraid? What if it turned out to only be half an hour? Is that abandonment?"

How can I give any sort of approval to this survey? How can I tell them it is okay for them to go out and take inventory of someone's pain?

I feel so awful right now.

And I know what my counselor would say if she were here. She would tell me that I was finally ready to feel the fear I didn't let myself feel 30 some years ago.

I hate this.


  1. (((Hugs))) to you. It sounds to me like a good therapist familiar with foster children's issues should go over it, too.

  2. Thanks. I am feeling better. Took an hour or so.

    I didn't even eat compulsively.

    I will definitely be strongly recommending that they offer the alumni counseling/debriefing after this.

  3. and your counselor would be right! you've had a rough year, but at the end of the day it has brought you a fairly good place, and given you a new strength and insight. not bad for someone who was not coping so well 10 weeks ago.

  4. Wow. Amazing insight. Good for you in more ways than one.


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