The Difficulty of Fairness

Jody writes:

Hubby and I are "discussing" this issue right now. I was raised that each kid got (for example) $100 worth of presents. If that was 1 big thing or 10 little things, it really didn't matter. Value was always equal. Hubby was raised each kid gets the same # of gifts regardless of value.

Roland and I have actually worked to be equal in both senses. We found that kids count the presents before Christmas and expect that there should be an equal number. On the other hand, we have felt like we should spend the same amount of money on each. In order to make that happen we have sometimes wrapped two things up together or bought very inexpensive presents so that we have more things to wrap.

Once we started doing care we pulled Andrew and Brian aside to explain that we did not think that all the aunts and uncles would be giving Carl presents and so we would give him a few extra presents. The first year we over-shot and Carl had more things to open than anyone, but no one seemed to mind. We didn't usually spend (much) more on the foster boys. Sometimes we bought things that we knew the agency would reimburse, like clothing, and even labeled it from "Uncle John" (using the real first name of the man who founded our agency). We later did the same for David and Evan.

Andrew and Brian have generous spirits and never minded -- although I think it helped that we did not actually spend (much) more money on the other boys. We aren't worrying about it this year, at least I don't think we are. As the kids get older there are fewer extended family members who send gifts anyway. There may be a disparity in that I have always taken money out of my children's allowances for the buying of presents, so Andrew and Brian will buy for Evan and David as a matter of course. How much money they have for themselves will not be affected. Evan and David however are surviving on their own incomes and may or may not bring home presents for us, and if they do it might be a small gift to the whole family.

It gets complicated at we move from a small family to a big family, and we are not quite clear on how to do it. It has been a genuine part of our discussions about whether to continue to do care. In the past the budget has been about $100 per kid, but that gets more difficult as we add kids. I mean, we have five now.

A couple of things we agree on. One is that there is some point where a child has become an adult and it is no longer necessary to spend the same amount of money one them. We agree that Carl, at 24 and living far away and on his own, has reached that point. He will get a card and a check from us, but it won't be for the same amount.

I am not sure that we agree about what to do about Carl because Carl is 24 or if it is because he lives far away and isn't coming home. See, we also agree that it is awkward to have all the children home and have significantly disparate gift amounts. When I imagine myself in the position of a 20-year-old at home for Christmas getting far less than my 13-year-old sibling, I imagine that I would feel jealous. I might try to convince myself that I shouldn't, but I would. Roland definitely sees it that way. He wants, I think indefinitely, to have the same budget for any kid who gets his (or maybe someday her) butt home for Christmas.

And at $100 a butt, we need to give this some serious thought. (Pardon my language).

I only know what we have decided for this year. All the kids who are coming home are getting equal value from us. One issue is of course that all the kids who still live here full-time are bioboys. We may both be more comfortable spending less on older kids when Andrew is one of the "older kids."

Anyway, there isn't really a point to this, just a rambling about how difficult it is to be fair. And as long as I am rambling, I might as well point out one more issue: In my case I have felt the need to at least sometimes give more presents to foster kids to make up for their lack of extended family, but other families have the opposite problem. Sometimes the foster kids' families do send gifts, and sometimes, I am told, they are expensive gifts. Families, immediate and extended, who cannot provide care for the children sometimes try to make it up with presents.

I suppose this is a problem for all people who have blended families, whatever the sources which have added to that blend. If your kids have different extended families then they will probably get different numbers and value of presents. Trying to even things out when you are dealing with that can be impossible.

Like I said, this whole fairness thing can just suck all the fun out of the holiday -- if you let it.