Not Done

I find myself "checking" to see how I feel about doing care. Sort of like pushing on a bruise to see if it still hurts. I imagine how I would feel if the social worker called today and asked me to consider a kid.

For a while imagining it was just impossible. Then it was overwhelming. Now I imagine myself just sighing heavily and saying, "He's safe right now, right? I mean, you want me to read about him and maybe meet him, but he wouldn't move in until after the holidays...right?" Hubby Roland is right behind me in emotional readiness. And Brian is somewhere behind him. Emotionally Andrew is already half way to college. As long as I don't give away his room, he's fine. Actually, he probably would feel the need to vet any new kid for Brian's sake, but that's about it.

I think though that the youth who needs us will come before the desire for a youth -- which is as it should be. When we are needed we will respond to that need. If no one needs us, we accept that as a good thing. But I do like feeling better, knowing that there is a good chance that by the time we are needed I will be ready to be needed.

I've accepted an invitation to spend another year on my agency's research review board. I will get to fly to the cool city where their headquarters are. I will spend the night in a hotel, and a day involved in reviewing the review board -- helping to train new members. I will be there as a foster parent. Accepting the invitation was, for me, an acceptance that I am still a foster parent. I am between placements, but I am not done.