No Follow-up (udate, twice)

Friday evening Frankie expressed a strong desire to write to his father (with my help) and telephone his mother. I agreed to both of these, but so far neither of us has mentioned it again. I think I am making the right choice by not mentioning it, but I am not completely certain.

One thing I have noticed with kids who have been neglected is that they don't tend to ask for things more than once -- unless like Evan they don't stop asking for them at all. They have experienced so much disappointment that they protect themselves, usually by not letting themselves care too much. They tell you that they need a new coat but then don't say anything. Where the bioboys would remind me if they figure I've forgotten, the other boys will do without, not risking repeating the disappointment.

So I try to remember to follow up on commitments I've made to them. I do sometimes forget, but I try. Sometimes I tell them to please remind me the next time we are in The City that they need shoes, or school supplies, or whatever it is they have told me they need.

So there is part of me that thinks I should say, "Frankie, if you want to write a letter to your dad right now we can" or "Frankie, I'm programming your mother's phone number into your cell phone. You can call her whenever you like."

I am leaning towards doing the second (programming the phone), but not the first. But I am not certain.

Frankie's initial response to thinking about his dad is to want to contact him. But thinking about him also upsets him. I want to support Frankie in doing what he wants to do. But it is unclear to me what he really wants to do and what he feels that his is supposed to do and would rather not do.

He's a complicated kid. If he were developmentally closer to 15 I would feel more confident that I should just leave it in his hands. He seems like a much younger kid though so I am torn between feeling like I should facilitate what might be good for him and protecting him from what might be bad for him. Of course to do that, I first have to decide what is good and bad for him.

Anyone hearing the word "co-dependent" here?

I am sad, though not surprised or angry, that his mother has not called. It makes perfect sense to me that she would demand to know our number, and then not call us. Not knowing where her kid was was distressing. She was outraged that the people of the system would HIDE him from her. She needed to know where he is.

Now that she knows, the control and responsibility is in her hand. And even her lawyer, I am told, is telling her to relinquish her rights because she won't get them anyway. So she has a phone number for a son she has barely seen for more than five years. She has no relationship with him. She doesn't know what to say.

So I don't think she has decided not to call. I think she just can't make herself do it now. And it is possible that that won't change.

So I don't really know what to do. I suppose just being ready to help Frankie if he asks is best.

I suppose.

I wish I had taken more photos before he shaved his head.

Update One: I put his mother's number into his cell phone. He wanted me to label it "Mom2," which I did. He's now wandering around complaining about being bored.

Update Two: Following Process's recommendation I told him when he did not appear to have anything to do that if it was a good time for him, I could help him write a letter to his dad. He said it wasn't a good time and picked up the WoW manual. I'll try again another time.