No Friends for Frankie

Even though the previous post may have had a light tone to it, things are difficult for Frankie right now. He really doesn't have any friends.

At this moment Brian is downstairs with two of his friends. They are playing video games and have told Frankie that he may not play with them. I'm torn. There is the part of me that wants to tell Brian that that is rude, and that he must include Frankie. There is also the part that remembers how outraged I would be if I had been made to include my little sister in my games. And I know how I would have treated her if I had been made to.

But Frankie is hurt. Though he often accepts that he is annoying to others, and has left the other boys alone when he realizes he is getting on their nerves, he does not like being told he is not welcome. Who would?

[I am remembering seeing a documentary (or an episode on a news show?) about the book called "You can't say, 'You can't play.'" Is such a rule fair? Could I make it a rule in the house? Would it work if I did? Somehow it seems a better rule for a group of children the same age rather than for siblings at significantly different developmental ages.]

But Frankie really doesn't have friends of his own. He complains he can't make friends at school because he isn't given enough free time to interact with them. I suspect that is not true. I suspect that the time they can interact is very controlled, but that the making of friends would be possible if one had the skills for it. But I asked him if there were any kids from that school he would like to invite home to try to get to know better.

He said no. There are all too little. They are all little kids, under 10. (They aren't, but I am not quarreling with him.) I asked him what age he would like his friends to be. "An age where I could get along with them. My age. Like fourteen or fifteen."

And there is at least part of the problem. Frankie plays like a younger child. Merely by the fact that he says he wants friends to play with, we know he is not operating on a teen level. Most fifteen-year-olds want someone to hang out with. They would not want to make spears and hunt boxes in the back yard. I haven't taken him to the support group for GLBT teens because they are developmentally so much older than he is. They would be kind to him once, maybe even periodically, but they would want for an adult to take him away so that they could have important teenage conversations (and flirtations) without the little possibly-transkid saying, "Did you know..."

And so we have the problem. Frankie is fifteen, but developmentally much younger. He does not want to play with younger children, and their parents would probably be made nervous by it anyway.

And I don't know where to take him to meet developmentally delayed teenagers with whom to play and quarrel. I suppose there is some sort of organization for mentally retarded children and adults somewhere, but I think Frankie would respond the same way he does to the idea of playing with younger children.

Frankie is not mentally retarded. The last time his IQ was tested it was definitely below normal, but not low enough to qualify for any services based upon his IQ alone.

I feel badly for him, but I really don't know what to do for him.

I will ask his teachers if they have any ideas. If anyone would, it would be them.

But if you have ideas, please share.

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Update: Hubby and I talked about it, and we have no solutions. I asked Frankie if he wanted to go to the youth group for GLBT teens tomorrow. He said "maybe" in a voice that meant "no." Same thing when I asked him if he wanted for us to arrange for either of the kids his age at his school to come over to visit.

The sad truth is just that Frankie does not have the skills to make friends. He cannot maintain two-way conversations. He can only "play" with someone who is older and being indulgent. Just like he can only have conversations with people who are willing to listen to him talk.

But that doesn't mean that he isn't lonely, or that he doesn't feel hurt when Brian has friends over and says, "You can't be here. Go away."