Beyond Abstinence and Condoms

Okay, first, I know that sex education classes of whatever stripe cover more than just abstinence and/or condoms, but we don't talk about it much do we? I've been thinking about this as I've been writing about teens and sex, which I do just about every time I have a new teen making me confront the issues teens face about sex all over again.

Evan made me face it directly when he got into the car after a very comprehensive sex education program at the GLBT youth group. They had given him every piece of information he could possibly need. He knew about oral gonorrhea, syphilis rates in our county, Hep B and the use of heavy-duty plastic wrap. He knew that condoms would not protect him from genital warts or lice. I asked him how the class went and he said, "You know, what the people who teach those classes don't understand? They have no idea what it is like to be a teenager. They don't understand romance."

After I was done marveling at how each generation of teens seems to assume that the adults around them were born 30 years old, I explained that they did in fact remember being young and in love. We all did. We remembered that feeling. We knew how difficult it was, and we STILL expected them to use condoms every single time. Evan was surprised and countered that it really wasn't possible to do that. "Talking about condoms ruins the mood." I told him not to talk about it; he didn't need to say anything except maybe "wait a sec." Just grab one and use it. If his partner was the one who needed to wear it, he (Evan) could put it on his partner. Again, no conversation needed. Just put the thing on. I offered to buy him a box and cucumber to practice. I believe his response was, "Is there anything you are uncomfortable talking about?"

No…not anymore.

I've been talking with Gary a lot about consent and coercion. We've talked about how just believing your partner will eventually leave if you don't say yes eventually puts an unacceptable pressure on a young woman. We've disagreed about how a young man should act so as not to create that pressure. Gary points out that repeatedly stating, "it's okay if you don't want to" can create a sort of pressure itself. That wasn't exactly the behavior I wanted to encourage, but the conversation was good. I also told him that women who want sex initiate, or at least participate in initiation. They say they are ready. They take off YOUR clothes. He assured me he had plenty of experience with that. Still, it is something I tell my kids, even my college students. A woman lying quietly and barely moving is probably in shock. That is not what consent looks like.

In my college bioethics class we talked about some pharmacists not wanting to dispense emergency contraceptives. We talked about whether young women would use them monthly if they could. I asked them if a girl could carry condoms herself and not appear to be a slut. Turns out things haven't changed. Good girls don't carry condoms. One young woman told me that her doctor wanted to put her on birth control pills to control her symptoms. She said she argued against it. She was terrified that it would get out at school that she was taking birth control pills. She would be one of "those girls." It would destroy her reputation. She did not tell us what decision she made. I've not yet parented a girl, but I know that is an issue they need to talk about. How can they be prepared to ensure they have safe sex without damaging their reputation? How can they get through the moment that Evan worried about?

When Andrew and Brian were young, they each had a friend who got them into trouble. We had to talk about how to get out of the situation. Just saying no was not enough. They needed more tools to communicate with boys that were their friends. I learned that when Andrew at five kept telling me that just telling his friend no wouldn't work. In frustration I said, "Andrew, if you do those things again I won't let you play with him for a week. You can tell him that for me." Andrew brightened and said, "Can I tell him two weeks?" For Brian techniques like suggesting an alternative looked like it would be more helpful. I don't know that either of these approaches would be helpful for a girl who needed to strategies for asserting herself with a boy she loves, or thinks she loves, but doesn't want to have sex with. (I'm not opposed to the idea that boys may need this conversation. That just is one issue I haven't had to face.) I do know that girls, and probably boys too, need to be told that they don't have to have a reason to draw the line wherever they want to draw it. That you have been okay with a partner doing one thing doesn't mean that you are being silly to say you won't do one thing more.

This of course is just a beginning, but it is part of what teens need. They need to have conversations about how they feel, what they want, and yes, what they value. They need to be able to talk about how to get through the awkward moments, how to handle the pressure, how to extract themselves from situations in which they don't feel safe. And I think they need to know that it is safe to talk to us when it has all gone wrong, when something happened that they did not want to happen. If they were coerced, pressured, even (especially) if they are raped, they need to know we are there for them. They can talk to us and we will help, not judge.

It isn't easy, but it really does get easier. You just have to jump in, start talking. Don't expect them to say much back the first time. Don't be afraid to share your awkward teenage experiences with them. Be prepared to listen. I've found the car to be an excellent place to talk, as I believe I have said before. It allows for limited eye contact and limited means of escape. Of course the boys have figured that out too. They are more likely to bring up what they want to talk about in the car. I don't think I will ever forget talking with Evan about sex in inappropriate places while driving on the freeway in rush-hour traffic.

As I said, this is just a beginning. What can you add? What have your teens needed to know and how have you got the conversations going?