Friday, February 15, 2008

It's impossible, right?

Someone sent me a profile of 15-year-old boy. He sounds like our kind of kid, and he lives several states away. They are looking for an adoptive home for him.

And I told Roland. Neither of us is energetic about it, but I can't stop thinking about him either. There are all these reasons not to follow up on it. Brian is doing well, and still debating which school he wants to go to. If he decides to go to the big high school, that will be a big transition and possibly anxiety-producing. Andrew will leave for college, which is another big transition. Evan might or might not come home for the summer. And I have been whining about doing car pool. I mean, if I don't have the time to joyfully meet the needs of the kids I have, then I shouldn't be considering more kids, right?

And yet if this kid were in The City we would be asking for his file. Unlike most foster parents, our agency makes available to us everything that they have, which is less than the state has. We would look carefully at his history, the reasons for his moves, what people had to say about him. We would almost certainly meet him, set up some visits.

If he lived near, he probably would be moving in in a month or two. Probably. Even with the uncertainty in our lives, we would just take it one step at a time and it would probably happen. We would be telling his social worker that we were willing to explore any plan that included the support of our agency. Given that our agency is trying to figure out what supporting adoption and legal guardianship would look like, it is possible it would go in that direction. But he isn't local. He is some distance away. And we are not adoption-approved. We have a foster care license from a private agency. We have no state license. We have not had an adoption homestudy. In other words, even if we were willing to take him, we can't.

But he stays on my mind, so I emailed the family developer. I said that I had to ask, but I didn't expect the answer to be yes. I told her about the boy and asked if they ever had or would consider an out-of-state placement. I expected her to email back and say, "No, sorry, our cooperative relationship with the state prevents that." I mean, I know that the agency gave up complete control over who gets in. There are no private referrals anymore. All the kids come through health & welfare and the committee that makes the decision includes both state people and agency people. I don't see the social workers from our state wanting to give up one of the spots to a kid from another state.

But she emailed back and said, "I don't know. That is an interesting question. I'll ask and get back to you!"

Huh. Still, the answer will almost certain be no. And even if they are willing, the social workers from the other state will probably say no. Wouldn't they? And I am not even certain that I want them to say yes. In fact I am pretty sure I WANT the answer to be no. But I am not certain how much of that is for good objective reasons and how much of it is being afraid to risk again after Frankie.

So I tell myself that it is impossible. I just need to ask so that I am certain. Then when they tell me that it can't be done I will move on with my life and wait for the next kid who will come at a better time. After all, I can't parent every currently parentless* gay boy in America. This one isn't mine. I will move on.

And I will not think about this 15-year-old gay boy who likes to make bead jewelry and does not have a home.

*Thanks Bacchus!


  1. You're right, it might well be impossible. But it might not, and, I think it's wonderful that you're open to that.

  2. Hello! I am sorry for taking so long to check my comments, but I just wanted to thank you for given up your time (from the looks of things, you don't seem to have much of it ^.^) to include me into your world of foster care. I regret only having two crudely worded posts, intended for my inner friends to read, for you to have made impressions about me. As for linking blogs together, I feel as though my subject material is much too detached from my experience in living in foster care to really seem feasible. If I ever change course, I'll be sure to let you know. I hope you have a splendid day!


  3. Good luck, whatever ends up happening.

  4. You know, sometimes the impossible, is impossible. And sometimes it is possible. Good luck no matter what happens.


  5. you know, this could be the closed door it looks like it is. But the again, it could turn into something wonderful. You just never can tell!

  6. You know that you have my wishes of luck on whatever comes about on this.

    As to whether or not you can parent every gay boy in America. How about just parenting the gay boys that need you. Some of us are lucky to have loving parents, for the rest I can only hope that they find someone.

    For now though I hope that the gay boys who are meant to find you do!

  7. Having been born in the wrong state shouldn't prevent a child from being "yours". You never know what will happen. How did you come to have the profile to begin with? Hmmm. Good things!

  8. But what if that no is a yes? Then what?

  9. There's something wrong with us. It's like a sickness.

    I passed a detention a few months back- police cars, social worker taking the kids... I had to stop myself from turning around and offering my home for those kids...

    I think the word your looking for is crazy- in a good way, of course!


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