I must be feeling better...

...because I am feeling worse.

What I mean is that just in the past couple of days I have started feeling again like I don't really have anything to write about. The blog is in danger of becoming either all about my non-foster care life, or a series of essays about care. There is no personal day-to-day journey related to foster care to write about.

I am beginning to feel like I am on the verge of running out of things to write about, although I have felt like that before and not actually hit that point. I find myself thinking that it would be good to get another kid for the sake of the blog, which is such an absurd thought I don't even know what to do with it. And I am beginning to have that empty, impatient, slightly-guilty feeling. If there really aren't kids who need me, that is a good thing, right? Certainly I do not want for some sort of disruption or any other bad thing to happen to a youth so that I can have the satisfaction of providing care. I certainly don't want it to happen so that I will have something to write about!

But I have stopped having that other thought/feeling. The anxious one where I think, "If they called I would say yes, but I hope they don't call."

Of course part of it is that a significant amount of time has passed. It is also that we got through the holidays. I really think a big part of it is Evan considering going to see his uncle this summer. When he was definitely planning on being here, it was really good to have that bedroom for him. Now though...

...I'm beginning to wonder when they will call.

And Andrew is going away to college next year. Of all the ways I imagined my life being, I never really thought about what it would be like to have just ONE kid in the house.