Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Still haven't heard from David

The last time I saw him was the beginning of January. His birthday was in February and it is typical of him to call me a week before his birthday so that I don't forget. His cell phone number doesn't work. One of my students reported a month ago that he saw David somewhere and that his impression was that he had moved out of the apartment with the young woman, in with a boyfriend, and that that did not work out. It never does. I shamelessly asked my student to keep his eye open for him in the clubs and on-line and he reports not having heard from him.

I did tell the student that I understand why sometimes the boys want to deal with stuff in their lives and not tell me about it. I wouldn't want him to give me any information that David wants to keep private right now, but that I would really like to know that he is alive and healthy.

No word.

David doesn't have stable friendships. He is at some level the same little boy who needed to find friendly adults to take care of him and his brothers. He still judges people as good if they give him what he needs/wants and bad if they don't. He knows that people will only take care of his needs for a while and so he is always looking out for the next person to take care of him.

This of course creates havoc on any relationship. He does not give other people what they need. He does not perceive that their expectations of him are at all reasonable. There really isn't even much of a "honeymoon" in his relationship. Most of his energy is going into looking for the new one almost immediately.

So I have long since given up trying to keep track of his friendship. I don't really have people I know to call to track him down. The best I can do is what I have done -- ask people who don't know him very well but "see" him in on-line forums.

The girl with whom he was living works for one of those evil quick loan places. She was eligible for a promotion which would require her to move to another city. The last I heard she was thinking about going and he was thinking about going with her. That is possible. He may have moved.

The lack of on-line presence actually bothers me the most. MySp*ce used to be important to him, but he hasn't logged in for a year.

So it has been three months. I know in 20-year-old time that is not very long. I probably wouldn't have thought much about it if it hadn't been for his birthday.

It is a nagging worry, but it isn't a big worry. I know that I am an "as-needed" mom as far as he is concerned. I have long since accepted that. His relationship with me is what he needs. That I would have needs to know where he is and how he is just not something that would occur to him.

And I don't mean that in a bad way. I mean, if I was a friend, or trying to be, I might. I might feel angry that I was concerned about him and he wasn't concerned about me. But I'm the mom and I know that this really is who he is. It really doesn't occur to him that I might have a legitimate need for anything he could provide.

So I wait. I don't know when I will hear from him. It could be weeks or it could be months.

It even could be years, but I hope not.


  1. So frustrating and sounds frightening to me . . . hopefully he will pop up soon.

  2. Anonymous3:01 PM

    I hear you.

    Husband's daughter (SD) lives in the same city as we do. I saw her last year at her sister's baby shower. Hubby has not seen her in two years.
    She has made some very bad choices in her friends and in the person she married. My greatest fear is that we will pick up the phone some night and it will be the police and that she is dead.

    There is nothing we can do. We can just hope that someday she will call with other than a request for money (and we know that she is not calling as hubby cut of the money at the last contact).

    I know there is nothing we can do and still I worry.


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