Commenting on Blogs

I've been thinking about how I comment on blogs, about what sort of comments are helpful. I've tried thinking about the comments that I get that are helpful to me. (First, let me say that I have like 100 blogs in my Google Reader. I read all the posts. I click through and comment maybe four to six times a day. That means I don't comment nearly as much as I probably should.)

I think we all appreciate comments telling us that a post we wrote was good in some way. I know I like hearing that a post made someone laugh, or think about something in a different way, or just that they have found something I wrote helpful in some way. I assume I am not all that different from other people.

Comments of encouragement are great too. I've been exceptionally lucky in the past few months in that my children aren't putting me through the emotional wringer. Partly that is because they are making good decisions and partly it is because I am not letting myself get too worried about their less-than-good decisions. Still, when I have gone through tough times just hearing that someone is pulling for me, or has confidence that I am going to get through this, or something can be helpful.

BTDT (been there done that) comments are also often great. Sometimes just knowing that someone has lived through the same experience and come out the other side gives me hope. I leave those sometimes. I have absolutely nothing "helpful" to say to someone who is struggling, with a situation, but I remember being there. I got a response the other day to someone who said that my description of a similar situation made her laugh out loud. I don't think it was particularly funny, or wouldn't have been to anyone who hadn't lived through it. She was though, and my description made her laugh. I hope it helped her keep going, even if it didn't give her any idea of how precisely to do that.

I also appreciate, and sometimes leave, comments that I classify as "ideas, not advice." I TRY not to give people advice, particularly that advice that given with the tone that says, "this is what you SHOULD do." We only ever reveal part of ourselves on blogs. It is the nature of the beast. We certainly never give a complete picture in any one post, that would be impossible. I am a firm believer that the "right" approach is the one that works for this caretaker and this kid. Sometimes though what we are doing isn't working and getting a bunch of ideas can be very helpful. If someone tells me that I should absolutely do X, and if I don't do X I am a bad parent, i feel annoyed (or worse). I never feel annoyed when someone says that x worked for them and maybe it will work for me. Even when I think "nope, tried that, didn't work" I don't feel judged. So I try to leave those sorts of comments sometimes. I leave them more often with people who know me, or at least internet-me, fairly well.

Sometimes I have got, and sometimes I have given, comments that say, "I really think you are on the wrong track here." That is different from just offering up a suggestion. It is more direct. None of us LIKE those comments, but when they come from someone whom we really trust they are important. I try to take them seriously, though my insta-reaction is almost always, "well, she doesn't understand..." My second reaction is sometimes different. I don't think I leave those comments very often.

And there is one more sort of comment I appreciate, even need, sometimes. It is the "no, you are not a bad person" or "I understand this is what you need to do" comment. I needed those when I was writing about not being the parent Frankie needed. The only comment I ever got from Cindy was on a post like that. (The post title was "I'm not Cindy" which might have helped attract her attention.) During that time I got a lot of comments that helped me to forgive myself. I did get some comments expressing negative thoughts, but I don't remember any of them being mean. It probably helped that I had an established audience, had already parented a couple of kids from care. That I had met my limit in this kid, and knew that some other blogging parents would have been able to handle, was something that people accepted.

I've given the same sort of support to other people who have made the decision that they can't continue to parent a child. I think a lot of blogs end when people get there. Many bloggers have not been treated as well by their readers as I have been. (Most of the really negative comments I get are from people who clearly haven't been reading the blog. Those I can generally shake off. Fortunately I have never been targeted by the kind of troll that just keeps coming back.)

Though I am pretty free with the "here's an idea that might work" comment, I am very hesitant to tell people that I really think they are doing it wrong. Generally I figure there is more to the story than I am reading, or that they aren't likely to be receptive to comments that are based upon that premise. If they reject all my "just an idea" comments, they aren't likely to respond well to comments that are out and out critical. I've left them occasionally though. I've never been sure it was a good idea.

I'm thinking about this recently because I have been debating about what kinds of comments I should leave on blogs.

Generally if I think a blogger is making major parenting mistakes, I say nothing, but I am not sure where the limits are.

What sort of comments do you find helpful?

Do you ever feel like you SHOULD leave a comment on a blog even though you don't think the writer will be receptive?

I'm actually asking here.

Oh, and if you ever wanted to tell me that some comment or other that I left you was not helpful, now would be an appropriate time to say so.