In Between

It is an odd moment. In between placements and faced with tasks that pull me into two directions.

It is April, which means it it time to fill out my application to renew our foster care license. It has sat here for a couple of weeks, waiting my signature. I am supposed to list my training hours, get a copy of my driver's license, car and home insurance, and have my physician to send in letters stating that we are healthy enough to continue. I need to tell them that Andrew needs ANOTHER copy of the letter to get finger printed. It just hasn't been important since there is no kid in the house, but I have to get it done in order to have my license renewed. And Roland must up for CPR and First Aid.

A to-do list that must be accomplished so that we can remain a foster parents. So that we can invite chaos and frustration back into our home.

Right now I have time. I come home and read or even nap if I want to. I piddle away a Saturday afternoon surfing the web. I read your blogs and I consider not sending in the application at all, but I will. I have signed it. Roland has signed it. It sits where we put the out-going mail.

Part of me is very much inclined to not send it in. Another kid in the house feels overwhelming. It is peaceful now. It will be even more peaceful later.

****

It is April, which means I can cancel a line on the cell phone plan without paying a penalty. We added one for Frankie, and we have had an extra cell phone lying around since he left. I had imagined, when he left, that there would be a new kid here by now, but there is not. Now I can cancel it.

And, like the work for the application, I find myself disinclined. Canceling it seems to mean accepting or expecting that there will be no new kid for a while. Given the cost of starting a line, canceling it means that I am betting it will be at least four months. Any sooner and it is less expensive to keep the phone. So do I want to say that? It seems reasonable. How long has it been since Frankie left? More than six months. There is no reason to expect them to call soon.

It makes me sad to think that. I wonder what it will be like when Andrew leaves in the fall. I really have never imagined parenting just one child. I have imagined being child-free, but I expected to continue care until Brian moved out at least. Just one child. How strange. How wrong, somehow. Not my life.

Silly as it is, canceling the cell phone feels like giving up hope somehow. And I don't want to do that.

****

And so I sit here, preparing to send in the application for renewal and canceling the cell phone.

Both tasks I want to avoid thinking about.